callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
 So. 

Swancon 40. Easter 2015 at the Pan Pacific. 

Convenor: 
Kat Griffiths and Stephen Griffiths (no relation) 
Treasurer: Helen Dufill 
Programmer: Sarah Parker
International Guest of Honour: John Scalzi
National Guest of Honour: Kylie Chan 
Fan Guest of Honour: Anthony Peacey

So many people are involved in running a Swancon, and I want to thank every one for making my year awesome. 

Two years ago a couple of young women said to me "We'd like you on the committee, and we'd like you to be our Prky," which, while a high honour, was already taken by Prky anyway. I said "Actually, I want to program. I have been feeling the calling, and I want to be your programmer." To which they squeed because I believe they hadn't found a victim volunteer yet who wanted it! 

This little con report is, as always, a ramble. Welcome to the perambulations through my half arsed recollections and scattered memories. 

I spent the first two days in a tizzy. I was stressed and ready to leap onto any spot fires with my laptop, phone, and backup plans, but after two days of lugging around my laptop, and not really having anything to do, I had to learn how to relax instead. 

We had one cancelled Panel, and Damian Magee stepped admirably into the spot to cover it with one of two pre-prepared backup panels. Did I mention I was ready? I was also vaguely disappointed that my other back up plan, to show Gallavant if there was time and space never actually eventuated because... there were no other cancellations. 

Every one seemed to be on time for their panels. Every one seemed to know what I wanted, what they needed, and they just did it. Andy Hahn was absolutely tireless in his devotion to the AC equipment, and I stand in awe at his technical knowledge about all things AV. Most people picked up their panelist packs, which meant I met every one face to face, and said hi! 

We only had to change a few items around, but I had developed some rules in advance. I was happy to switch rooms on people, but there was no way I was moving times. If someone was too late for their panel, then thank you for your efforts, but everything and every one was so intensely tied into who was where when, there was no chance I could move things and update people properly. 

Venue changes happened because I had managed to put Guest of Honour stuff into the smaller rooms, which was... well, that was me. :) Ooops. Like I shouted at all couple of hundred people as they walked the twenty metres to the new, larger venue. 'SORRY! MY FAULT!"

So then I spent the next two hours combing through the remaining program and moving three other items, updating livecon, writing the official change sheets, notifying Facebook, and emailing the panelists. I figure that's my punishment, right? :p

I don't really know what else to add to this. I'm still in slow moving recovery mode. Lots of sleeping and quiet video games, crochet, movies. 
:) 

Hmmm, now the ramblier bits I guess LOL 
Thursday I was busy being stressy and super alert for spot fires, so John and I went to bed at a decent enough time. Managed breakfast on Friday morning, lurked ready to pounce on unsuspecting panelists by 9:10, which is 10 minutes later than I was intending and about 30 minutes before reception was ready! 

Friday night I drank a bit. There's a lovely picture of my hands braiding Dave's Cake beard, the hotel stole my wild tea vodka and I chased them down until they gave it back :) I was "hiding" it in their icecream freezer after all! 

Saturday was the masquerade, my friend is running a mobile beauticians' business, and so I was all done up. My eyelashes looked like I had baby birds glued to my eyes, which I didn't mind so much but the contact lenses I was wearing were giving me grief. I was done up like 

Sunday nights are often my favourite night of the con. Every one's sleep deprived, exhausted, funned out, but so determined to party that last night, so this is the night where things get amusing. I visited a few room parties, drank a bottle or two of wine, flirted outrageously for bit (Me, would I do that?), met new people who swear they will always come back, and had far too much fun. 

After the room party got shut down, we went down to the foyer but then Coman was talking about his plans for 2017 and I'm *done* for now, so I said good nights and headed off. 

I didn't cry at closing ceremony, which I thought I would. I felt like I had done the best I could for my committee, and that my program, and I,  ran beautifully. None of my public speaking this con was scripted other than a bunch of PPT slides, and I ran my first ever auction! 

Opening Ceremony
Ooo, I should talk about opening ceremony. Ok. Well, we got approval from WASFF about 9 days before the con started for Welcome to County. I take responsibility for raising this, it went something like "do we have a line for Welcome to Country?" and Helen going "Nope" and I was all "I am sure I saw that in a budget somewhere" and TBH it was probably 2016's budget line, but my awesome Convenor took it to WASFF and asked for it and they said yes! So, by the time we got word we had budget, I started contacting the leads I had been given. 

I had attended a Close the Gap celebration earlier in march that had an awesome Welcome to Country, and I thought Shaun would be awesome for Swancon, and really in fitting with our love affairs with narrative and meaning, however when I emailed my contact, it had a vacation bounce and said she wouldn't be back until 16th of April! Eep! 

So I tried the other details i had been given, ringing them on Thursday and then Friday, and they said they would email me a list but it never arrived, however it turns out the vacation bounce had also sent my email to another person in the department, who sent me the right contact details. 

So, now on the Tuesday before con... and Shaun said he was free, and we sorted out the details, and Swancon had it's first Welcome to Country. 

It's a bit hard to comment on it when you're sitting at the white table behind him but I found it moving and amazing and reaffirming. His story telling abilities and sense of presence were fantastic, and I felt safe in his story telling. And it turns out he knew people in the crowd! he had many people coming up to mention how amazing, how touching, his Welcome to Country had made them feel, and he caught up with some old workmates, and I said if he was free next year on the Thursday of Easter.... 

Which also gave rise to the thought that sometimes we need to invite people into our spaces better, and you know what might be fun? Perhaps we could have an Indigenous Guest of Honour, so we can learn more about some of the spec-fic that's coming out of Indigenous Writers. 

I had almost thirty people tell me how uplifting, amazing and awesome Shaun's Welcome had been, and one person felt uncomfortable in that the Welcome related to a religion, regardless of whether it had been any religion, they did feel the religious tones were unnecessary for a convention opening ceremony. 

I had asked Grant Stone to do the opening ceremony, and he said yes but then he wasn't around at the time, so in the end I opened Swancon. It's never hard doing public speaking at Swancon. Every one there is a friend. 

Coming from my pagan background, it made sense to me that since I had Opened Swancon, I should Close it too. A sacred five days of creation, narrative, genre, passionate people, discussions, personalities, and so much more, it has to be Closed so we can return to our every day selves, and start saving for the next one! 

I didn't cry during the closing ceremony for closing, but I did cry for the Mikey Award, as I always do. I cried many times over the convention, it's my way of downloading too much emotion, and then picking up and carrying on. I don't think I have ever cried so many happy tears though, nor have I ever been so thanked so often for the program. I counted thirty odd people thanking me for the Welcome to Country, and I have had more than that thanking me for the program, people I hold very dear and high in my esteem. 

Changing Communities Panel (in which I waffle for far too long about emotional stuff) 
This was one of my babies. I was so excited when I heard John was coming, for his Ant Army stuff and his activism in changing some of the communities he has been a part of, and I kind of wanted to share some of his experiences and our experiences in trying to help keep our community open and as welcoming as possible. 

It was a little hard, because I was tired and overwrought, and it's something so close to my heart, but the community we have at Swancon is what will always bring people back. I have so many amazing friends and acquaintances from Swancon, and I've always tried hard to make sure that we get to be ourselves, even while we're being a rowdy and contentious lot. 

Swancon really is a rare thing in fandom, I hear this from international visitors, and that lies entirely with the people who come, and the community we have built. We have our problems, but we work on them, and we don't try to pretend that we are anything other than normal people doing the best we can.

A lot of the community change stuff is undercurrent stuff, and from my point of view, it's not so much been anything other than a gentle and continuous reminder to people to be the best we can be. And that's exactly what people do at Swancon. We try to be the best we can. I am so proud of us, all of us. 

Anyway, I'm not so much done in writing this as I got distracted and wandered off. 
:) 
There might be more later. 



callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
 I really need someone to talk to sometimes 

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
OMG how long has it been since I posted? You all know I only come here when I have time, right?? So.. have been a tad busy.

So, a bit of a run down for those who are curious.

I got a job! I can't remember if I posted here to mention that. I am now working for iiBorg, provisioning telephones and internet at a place near you. This week, i have dreamed about work every night. Last night, I dreamt about connecting phone lines, adsl, being on a headset and being on calls several times. In different dreams. *sigh*

So, my typical day looks a lot like this:

6:10 we get out of bed and I shower while john makes coffee and breakfast. I am having problems with food right now, so I eat as much as I can of one egg and a slice of bacon, and drink my coffee while brushing hair/getting dressed/trying to be presentable. If I have time, I will play about 5 minutes of farmville, but only if someone else has already turned on the PC. I just don't bother if the PC is not already on.

7:00 we drive me to the train, and I catch the train to Subi.

On the train, I check FB and this week, I rang people. Wow, me using the phone! Voluntarily! For longer than five seconds! Wow! I have been driven by desperation - time crunched and half my friends all moving to Melbourne... so yeah. I am learning to use the phone. And learning to use my phone credit LOL

8:10ish I am at work for an 8:30 start. I take calls and do tasks. I get one 15 minute break, one 30 minute lunch, and one 10 minute break. Finish at 5:00 and walk back to the train station and catch the train home. John catches up with me in Perth and we train home together.I check FB and he plays Civilisation.

6:00ish we get home, and on Mondays we still have our Family nights with willowgypsy and leachim. Willow picks up the kids from school and cooks us dinner, so I walk through to door to a loving family, which is just ... *awesome*. Tuesday Mum has the kids and it's just the four of us for dinner, and then Wednesday we have Doctor Who night, and leachim often walks through the door at the same time as we do, or else about ten minutes later. Thursdays it's usually just four of us, and Friday is Daycare day, and every couple of weeks I go out with leachim. Chesh goes to Artifactory most Wednesday nights except for once a month when it's Polymeet night, and I go to Polymeets.

Weekends are often spent trying to catch up. Throwing in Swancon and other stuff, we have been hell busy. Now Swancon is over, I am concentrating on my home life more. I am trying to retrain Vin's sleep habits so he stops getting outof bed five times and not sleeping until 9:30, and we have had some wins there - he is often asleep before 8:00 this week - yay!

He's been having 'sads' which i think have been a combination of a number of factors - lactose buildup when he is intolerant (an experiment gone wrong, really), low iron, sleep deprivation, and the changes going on around here. They are completely terrifying for me. It's sucha struggle, and I struggle with me, and my self, to do the best thing in his interest and mine. I want to scream and shout and make him stop, but I don't want to be that person, so I struggle and just try to be there for him while he's screaming at me to go away. It's a bit of a mess but the severity is dropping, to the point where I think the food and sleep is starting to have a good effect and it's more of a tantrum than a full on emotional storm. I have hopes that there will be no sad this weekend - they seem to happen a lot at five seconds to dinner time on Sunday nights.

The changes with working the re-distribution of my stresses has actually been going really well. There were going to be changes of course, but I was wondering if they would be difficult to incorporate mentally. It is odd and I miss the kids and my old life a lot, but at the same time, I get paid! And I'm not as exhausted as I thought I would be - I still walk outof there with the urge to create and play with colour and write. I just don't have much un-allocated time, and I am getting used to using what un-allocated time I do have. It's only been a couple of months, and it usually takes about 6 for things to really sort itself out. Then I am sure I will get back into editing/writing. It's so awesome to still have the urge, even if I don't get to actually *do* much. Painting my nails is both a creative outlet and some self care that brings me joy. :) I get to play with colours! And buying mini OPIs is my new hobby, and I am rather loving it.

Swancon was really lovely. I wanted a quiet con where I could just enjoy it, and not "work," and that happened. I had some very special moments with all my closest friends, and signed up for programming with John for 2015. Yes, that's how much extra energy one con "off" can give me LOL and I am really excited to be working with the committee.

Oddly enough, now I have no time and no interest in food, I want to have awesome dinner parties again. I want to spend time cooking as an art on the weekends. I made soup and stew yesterday, and have bought a new cooking mag and suggested a dinner party to some friends while imagining the stacked and layered chocolate desserts I could make for every one.

Ok, enough rambling for now. I should go clean something, but I have already done a bit of that... LOL
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
and, yeah, Ok, so it's a Fringe Festival event and all, so I was curious, plus I went with members of my constellation, so, you know, group experiences and all that... but TBh this post could be titled:

POLY: THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG

The play was well acted, music was lovely, lighting was great, it was a perfectly fine presentation. Most of my problems seem to stem from the story. It starts off with a scene where every one hates each other, and then they go back through a series of memories on how the couple turned into the triad and ended up all hating each other.

Problems I had

- All discussions seemed to happen between two of the triad, and not three. I forsee problems already. This is crucial when being poly - communicate communicate communicate.
- They talked about compromise, as in, they used the word. But they never actually seemed to do so, or explore it, or do anything other than throw the words around occasionally.
- Discussions were very emotive and very little use. One thing I talk about a LOT is logistics. Who is where when, and does this meet every one's needs at the time? They just shouted a lot. It was irritating to see, and annoying to listen to.
- Unhappy ending. Cos that's just so rare it was new and interesting, right? Because just soooooo many relationships have happy endings, we should totally ignore the possibly interesting topics for something already done a thousand times before? (Sarcasm may have been engaged in the last sentence or two. I am not sorry.)
- There was *nothing* of interest in the story. Of all the things they could do, the author used tired tropes and issues that heteronormative couples face all the time, and our protags did *nothing* interesting, unusual, or challenging in response to those issues.
- I got a third of the way in and went "Oh god, there's going to be one big issue which breaks them all apart, right? It's either going to be X, or Z." I was right. There was one big issue that broke them apart. (See comment about "compromise").
- I started envisioning ways the story could have ended which would have been more interesting and more challenging. It wouldn't have been hard. IE.... so we get to the end, and then we see them sitting around a table and actually having a conversation and actually compromising and making space and allowances for each other... and actually being in a poly relationship, not in a series of interlinked monogamous relationship in which two parts of the triad run off and have emotive discussions which should have been done in their threesomes.
- "I want our relationship to progress!" That comment alone was annoying - they're in a fucking lesbian triad poly relationship. The very nature of that is doing their own thing, finding their own way, loving each other in ways that society is not built for. Progress to *what???*

So to a large degree, it kind of seemed like a play written by someone who is vaguely comfortable with poly relationships but not aware of them *in depth.* I keep thinking of ways they could have made it more interesting and challenging, such as what if the one who had wanted a baby had been the man? Then we have some rich fodder for a diverse discussion of the issues of poly vs heteronormative relationships. The play was called Poly, but it didn't feel like it was about Poly, it felt like it was about General Relationship Issues With Bonus Lesbian Sex Scene. The issues they faced could have been poly issues, but they weren't. If it was a true poly household (by my understanding) then the first discussions would have been about what issues the Big Issue was causing, how could we accomodate those issues/worries, what ways the family could grow and adapt to meet *everyone's* needs rather than just causing heartbreak and pain.

If the point of the play was that poly only work when every one wants the same thing, then I think the message was lost in the dross. And that's the same rule for any sort of relationship. Any relationship works when people want the same thing. So how is that message different from any other sort of relationship?
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
So, next year my family will have no income. Again. We did that earlier this year, and we've only just gotten back to the point where we don't owe any one money from that time, and we've paid off the debts and stuff that we accumulated. We were finally going to have a month without Christmas or Birthdays or door payments...

Except not, I guess.

The IT industry is a funny thing right now. We didn't feel the GFC so much at the time, but we certainly seem to be feeling the after effects. Not that it's actually over, as far as I remember it being reported. It's caused some real uncertainty in IT, and we've been working from contract to contract with the hope of a permanent position. The promise was lost, however when the mining companies started to take a hit too, and so no permanent job for us.

So now I am looking for a job too. Full time, interesting, stable... I can do a lot of stuff. I am flexible, self motivating, and a pleasure to work with. But I haven't worked for someone else for almost 8 years. It's not a black hole of time by any means. I have written novels, sold lingerie, run my own business, written manuals, developed an online home business, worked on the Board of WASFF for many years, volunteered at the school, seen some bits of America, sold short stories... I know all this because I have been writing job applications and going over my CV and wondering.... if I am enough.

I have to work out so much stuff. Do I want to try for a career? If so, what career? I have to start at the bottom again, and can I start in a way so I don't die of boredom while I learn from the ground up? Will anything I have done before be useful or valued? Am I hire-able? Can I get a stable job? Is any industry stable these days? What's the point in sorting out what *I* want when really, my family *needs* the stability over the possible career? If IT is as unstable as it appears to be, there has to be an income stream into the family that is constant and reliable. I would love to do temping for a while and do all sorts of things and see what's out there but maybe I just need something steady instead?

This is just the beginning of the job search. I have potentially months to go before I get hired. I struggle with the reversal of power in this situation; I want to be the one who does the research and picks the company to apply all my attention to, and when you're talking  career level stuff, that used to be the way to get your job. But these days I think I have to apply the scatter shot approach. Apply for as many low level jobs as possible in the hopes I get something. Anything. Whatever!

If Chesh manages to get his contract sorted out, there's going to be times when we're *both* working. And it's not even for the money, in that instance, that I need a job. It's the stability. I find this an odd position to be in. The last year has definitely had a lot of trust in it, that we'd find a suitable contract at a suitable rate and a suitable time, but the 9 weeks without pay earlier this year kind of destroyed that trust. This time when it was confirmed the permanent job would not be appearing, and that no contracts were being renewed (John had suspicions) we both hit the ground running. I bought half a cow. John started applying for a minimum of a job a day. I already remember the recipes and the meal plans to minimize food costs. I cried a bit, to be doing this again.

But this is life. :)

And the food is the least of our worries, in a way. I can do things with 10 kilos of rice and 10 kilos of mince to feed us for a month if I had to. The food is not really an issue. It's the bigger things that are going to bounce and worry me. I should start making lists and if we don't have a contract organized by January, I should start ringing companies and asking for suspensions. I don't want to. It's so much fluffing around and so annoying and so... so... embarrassing. I will ring anyway, and I know my cheeks will burn with something which could just be labelled shame. But whatever. I am not ashamed that I need help. I think it's more that I know people make judgements, and that I can't help that and I am powerless and I have to ask the powerful for help. It frustrates me and makes me angry that I'm not the powerful one. It's easy to be benevolent when I have the power. :) less easy when i don't.

I'm not the most graceful of people, that's certainly been proven lately. At least my bratty behaviour seems to be under better control. Hurting the people who love you is never a good thing.

Hurting people trying to help is also never a good thing. This is all just temporary, and I am secure in a web of love and loving people and I know we will be fine. nothing really has changed - we have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Yet something indefinable has changed, and the future seems more uncertain. I'm working through the future and trying to shape what I can but the ground is shifty and difficult to rely on. I need to harden the underlying supports to my family, and that means I can't just pull the wagons close and wait it out this time. I need to get out there and attack the problem. :) I need a job.

I have many worries. Maybe I should stick to writing about one of them at a time.

I find the whole jump from feast to famine really also very disconcerting. We will go from zero income to potentially thousands a month, especially if we're both working at the same time. Such a huge difference! I have to incorporate that into any plans for next year too. Everything is so uncertain. It's weird that there will be so much money coming in, and that we won't *need* it all. I am hoping to save it, keep it, and do stuff... but what? London or new home? Bali with the kids? Brisbane, Melbourne, Tasmania?

This also affects our hopes and plans to move. We won't be able to get a houseloan while Chesh is between contracts, and we can't use any potential job I might have because the banks won't allow for it until i have had the job for 6 - 12 months. Apparently because John has been in the same industry for years and years, his contract work is ok to get a house loan with. We're sitting on 130K of equity that we can't use.

I have nothing else to add to this post yet. It's just random rambling as I think and process. At least I am now at the point where i can think and process. I don't feel too stressed yet, but that might come later. Right now I am seeking ways to plan, to envision and to be prepared for what's coming. This year (2012) I think had some underlying themes of TRUST and FAITH. I'm not sure if I have learnt the lesson yet or if it's still ongoing. The word REDEFINITION is coming up a lot. Maybe it's time I redefined my family and the way it functions. It's time I redefined the roles we all play. It's time to redefine who I am again in an external sense rather than internal. It's time to redefine what my kids do and how they function in the family.

Goodbye 2012. I won't miss you much. You sure had some highlights but you sure had some lowlights too. 2013 will be better. :)


callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Swancon is coming! yay! I am SO OMG EXCITED! more excited than I am about the German Sparkle Party i am going to, and *that* involved a LOT of screaming on chat! 

YAY!

This of course begs the question, and since this year Chesh and I are fan Guests of Honour (OMG yay!)) I can't avoid it LOL...

What would you like me to do for you in panels? What do you want me to talk about, show, learn, explore, do? There's a programming meeting on Sunday which i am hoping to get to - will I see you all there?

Also! Gynaecon stuffs! Let's get some thoughts happening! Maybe we should do a review/retroactive look at the safe spaces panel and what we've done with it, and the shape of it now as to how it was the first few  years? A retrospective on some of the changes Gynaecon has brought Swancon? No big fandom blow ups this year, though we still have a few months to go :)

Talk to me peoples! Now!
:D
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Religion
Turns out I have Views about people feeding my children religion. Huh. Now there's a surprise! There's a group during lunch time called Splashzone, which I thought was supposed to be to help support kids with problems, and hve a counselling bent. I am aware it's sort of run by the chaplain last year, but this year we don't really have a chaplain, we have a community officer. Anyway, I don't know how it happened but last term Vin went to one, and brought home a permission slip. Interesting, since he's not supposed to go before the permission slip was signed, and I didn't sign the form. This term, he's gone to another one, and they let him in without a form, and now he's asking us if we believe in God because of various airy fairy reasons and Chesh and I are Not. Impressed. Have had a word with the teacher, now considering writing a letter about it. We chose a public school because we didn't like John Wollaston's churchy thing, and they're not actually as bad as most. Hmph.

Sweet thoughts
People are mostly really awesome. This October has been a complete whirlwind of pain and horribleness, then followed up with three awesome things coming my way - lunch with a friend who lives in America, my pumpkin corset, and a rather awesome present from a friend moving house. It's been an odd month all over. So glad there's only a few more days left. And extremely appreciative of kind, sweet, thoughtful, flirty comments from friends. :D

Transcendancing is evil
She likes causing me pain. One of her special abilities is to be able to hold the intentionality of a relationship within herself as a solid, reliable thing. I've always been a do-er kind of person. Can't see it, touch it, do it, breathe it, then I'm not so sure it's real. However Transcendancing sort of holds the intent within her like it's a real thing, so the intent or desire to be with her is 'enough.' It's a lesson I am working very hard on learning. This learning thing is hard work. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn enough, do enough, be enough... so I can stop this learning/self working cycle. I am re-reading SARK's book at the moment about Succulent Wild Women (thanks for it Lilysea, it's been instrumental this month) and her BF once made a comment to her that they always seem to be working on their relationship, but never spending much time just being in the relationship. A lot of the last few months have felt like that, and I'm hoping that period is now easing off a bit, and I can enjoy being who I am right now and just enjoy the awesome men and women in my life.

Writing
November is just days away. I'm not sure I have enough fire to do Nano. However, if I don't try, I won't know. Hoping to finish off Skintree this year. Just not entirely sure *how* to do this. The original text is in scrivener, which means it's already peicemeal, and since I want wordcounts of new words, there's a fair amount of fiddling and overhead. Otherwise I port it into word or Notetab and do the writing as a solid block, but then I later have to cut it up to put it into scrivener in a useful manner. Eh, whatever.

The Project
Liking the idea of building more and more. I don't care what the outside of a house looks like (which helps) but I do care about space inside, which seems to suit the ideas that come across in the building plans these days.


callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
... and then everything felt normal again.
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Health
Went to the gym today! Mostly because I am premenstrual and retaining water, and I wanted to zone out while walking. It is just easier to do that at the gym! walked for 25 minutes before I got too bored. Managed to put on 2 kilos this week! I expect it's water weight from period and a big weekend, but dammit! :)

I have no idea what I am going to write about this morning LOL I even had some worked out in my head with great titles and everything! Ah well! :)

Today is a Bit of an Odd Day
And I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Wasn't too cranky, given that some PMT days I am ragey, mostly I was just sort of ... inwards and slightly negative. Most of that seems to have lifted after the gym. I have taken three of the magnesium tablets and just had some cruskits with pate to increase my nutrition for the day. (The pate and carbs can help ease some of my symptoms as well as the magnesium tablets say to take 3 for PMT symptoms, and since I already take 2 a day it's not that much of a leap to take one more.) 

Ponderings
I have been pondering on a number of things lately, and I realise I have been feeling like I have let something go. I like conscious decisions about the important things in my life, but I feel like at some point my grasp on my life has slipped, and rather than me buffetting the world, the world is buffetting me. It's time for me to stop and think, and effectively regroup before I start any real work on any big projects. Still thinking very hard about the getting a job issue, as well as the moving house issue, and being PMTy on top of that has been... annoying. To put it mildly. I am still feeling out the shape of next year, I think, but having to do it in different terms from what I am used to.

I do wonder sometimes, what is my urgency? Why am I always in such a hurry? What do I think will happen if I don't hurry, or if I let things go? What could I let go? Is this the shape I want things to be?

I spent about twenty minutes sitting outside and just letting my thoughts ramble. I think I need to do this again and again until I find my central balance again. I need to find the magic words to bring the quietness in. I need to start creating again, rather than just being created.

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Binders Full of Women
people have been having a great time with that little error of phrasing! We understand what he meant, but if you look at the whole discussion that quote is a part of, then you can see the systematic lack of understanding of how entrenched sexism works. He was trying to fix a problem with a band aid, and the main problem is his attitude, which has lead into the unfortunate phrase about the binders full of women.

Strength
I am starting to get the urge to do some strength training/row again. The urge is there but I still want to wait another week or so. I might kick off some push ups instead for now. My shoulders are going to kill me!

Doctor Who
We watched the end of season 4 last night. I didn't explode into a wall of rage this time around, but I may have been slightly distracted. Still pissed off about the way the writers handled Donna in the end, and watching it again also made me realise that they knew what they were doing. There's a theme running through the season with Donna about her struggles with obscurity. She has these awesome talents and skills and gets jobs with them, but then the problems that get her fired tend to not be her own problems - her boss in Turn Left with the wandering hands, her fiancee in the beginning... and she is brilliant. Just in the normal world she never quite fits in, and to give her that moment of glory, and then to whip it out from under her... it still really upsets me! And some of the cheap shots were unnecessary - her interest in Jack could have been handled so much better :( They're still my one true pairing though LOL

I relate so well to Donna because I think I am talented and maybe even a little brilliant at times. But I also struggle with obscurity, and make conscious choices about where to put my energies to ensure I get what I want from life. I want to shine, and I love working with people, and I love to teach/explore/learn... but there's so much stuff that *has* to be done. I want to shine, and be paid for shining! :D I don't want much LOL I'm still trying to get there...

Sleep!
Three days in a row! Oh gosh! Sleep! I was super productive yesterday even if I didn't get everything done. I should do some of those things today but it's my first kid free day! J and V are both in school today! Yay! 

The Project
I have some one coming out today to look at the property and someone coming out tomorrow. I am stunned with the sheer brilliance of customer service when you need to sell a house. Maybe I should look at selling houses for a job! And the sales rep coming out today is bringing his wife with him, who happens to be a mortgage broker. I am expecting these two will be a killer couple. I should run and hide now! So the Data is starting to flow. I was hoping to have al my info by the end of the month, not the end of the week! I am in a bit of shock!



callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Well, yesterday was a busy day!

People are Strange
So I posted on FB yesterday saying I didn't want to be alone, but that it was OK. Someone pinged me later and said "Ok, I'll bite, why are you feeling isolated?" and I was like WTF? Because, a) I didn't say I was feeling isolated, I said I was feeling alone, which are very different things. Isolation means I feel I can't access my friends or family at a time where I need to, whereas alone just means without the company I'd like. Mostly, I felt like I wanted to spend time with Chesh because there's some very large thoughts going down around here, and I wanted to talk to him about them. However, every one invited me over for lunch and coffee so I ended up spending a lot of time yesterday talking to people other than Chesh about my thoughts and ideas about the move, and that was awesome.

And B) You'll bite? Really? You think I post on FB just to bait people into talking to me? Really? *tries to look even more disblieving* How about you actually preface the comment with some words that might indicate you actually care, especially since you seem to think I was feeling isolated (which, on the scale of things, seemed to cause more worry in you than alone did) where as opening with "I'll bite" is just ... annoying.

Got another one today too.
"I was wondering how you're going with this..."
Really? It's so hard to say "Hey, where are you with this task?" I was wondering how you phrase your emails like that, but, you know, I'm not about to email back "Well, I was wondering about doing the task but then I started wondering about playing facebook games and before I knew it I was wondering about replying to your email and lo and behold nothing ever got done!" If I was seriously premenstrual (read: viewing the world through a haze of hate and anger) then I may have responded... but since I don't seem to be too premenstrual, I shall translate from passive aggressive into real communication and work from there.

>.>

Ok, maybe I am a leeetle premenstrual? But in a fun way? Maybe? LOL

The Project
Talked to lots of people yesterday, and also talked lots to Chesh yesterday. Yay talking! I have ideas. But first, the data collection. I need to start with how much is this house worth, to sell or rent, and get some info on that. Next stage will be info from the banks about how much we can potentially borrow, and the third stage of Data will be examining and critiquing our budget and starting a fitness regime for our spending habits. We're both pretty excited about this now, and so hoping there will be some real progress. :)

I Didn't Want To Be Alone
because I don't want to be the only one making all the decisions and home building that this is going to entail. It's going to take so much work, and I want Chesh to be on board and aware of the stuff we/I are going to need to look into and address. I bought this house here, Chesh didn't even see it until after we had put in an offer on it. He was OK with that - we just decided at the time that he didn't want to make the time/trusted me to do pick a good enough house. We still love the house and will be sad to see it go, but the original plan was to only be here until the kids were about 10 - 12, and then move. So we move it forward a few years. :) So, first step is Data. Then we need to start considering other issues, such as my getting a job, how much savings we will need to organize, picking a new suburb, listing the important, urgent, and wish-for lists for the new house, and also finding out what houses are like these days. There's will have been 13 years worth of new houses built since I last looked at house hunting, so I am pretty excited to see what is out there now. Chesh was pretty shocked to discover that most newish houses don't have double brick outer walls. I have no opinions on that!

Administrivia (List du Jour) )
Last word... thought some more about determined vs stubborn. Determined is where you choose your path, and it's difficult to sway you. Stubborn is where someone else chooses your path, and you choose not to be swayed.

Oooo, deep! LOL
*hugs* to every one!

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Weekly Weigh In!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0


Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :1
Current Weight: 112
Current Loss: 3.1
Cumulative Loss: 3.1


Water weight gone. Time for some serious weight loss now. I'm expecting about a pound a week, but that will vary depending on my period. I will lose a pound for the first three weeks, hold onto a pound on the fourth and then dump it all for a 2 or 3 pound loss after/during my period.

I am now the smallest I have been in probably two decades. I don't know. This is the smallest BMI, the smallest weight. It's both happy making and terrifying.

I have lost 9.8 kilos this year.

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Reddit is a veritable minefield for interesting things this week! Today it's a post about the sneaky little things people do to help make their partner's lives a little bit better. It really sweet!



callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Ketoing away!
Yay! I have started ketoing! I noticed yesterday that I was getting that taste in my mouth, and the ketostix are starting to go pink. This morning I got deep purple! This is good (yay, back into ketoing) but also means that my body is innefficient at burning ketones, which will come later. A keto spill now is good, it means my body is burning fats correctly. But soon the ketostix won't do anything because my body will burn more efficiently again. I'm really pleased with the diet, it's all going really well!

Thoughts on Boundaries, Happiness, and Poly Independance
Thinking about boundaries and independance today, and also reading articles and stuff about it too. This is an article on Reddit about being independant and poly, and also leachim posted this about the pursuit of happiness vs actual happiness. Boundary setting and awareness is such an important thing for happiness. I disagree with the pursuit vs actual happiness when they say that happy times have to go, as time passes. I think the pursuit of happiness is a skill we need to teach people how to develop; and this is why there's so many self help books out there. We all have our own waus of going about do it, but in the end, it's YOU and YOUR happiness that has to be figured out. Books can give you hints and suggestions, but rarely will it give you the answer. Happiness itself, I think, can be encouraged and developed but is also shaped by the things we bring into the happiness, and I don't see why a happy moment won't add to a general sense of happiness that persevers long beyond the sun is gone and the tea is drunk. But this, too is a skill that has to be developed.

The Reddit article was interesting for me in that it talks about the formation of a team in a relationship. IE, we're independant and self aware, and we know our boundaries and needs, but when we form a relationship, we are forming a team, and this is why we need to know when the other people in our teams are working in tandem with us, rather than in opposition. I am very much a proponent of Ask culture rather than Guess culture, and so these sorts of discussions are not as difficult for me as they can be for some but once again it's a skill that needs to be developed and committed to. Once we know what we want, we can then reach for it. Reaching as a team is a very different skill to reaching as a single, and reaching while in *any* poly relationship also has a different shape and form.

I was talking to someone once about his relationships and mine, and he was making jokes that the V shapes should meet, suggesting the F - F section should develop a poly relationship and have hot sex. He was joking, but at the same time it's a curious thing that he used the word 'should' in this discussion so often, but never the word 'allow.'

Back to the previous points raised in the Pursuit of Happiness vs Happiness article, it also talks about the search for meaning. I have been searching for meaning again for a few weeks now, which means that I am starting to feel stable enough, energetic enough, to start putting my head above water, and maybe daring to breath again. This means anaesthetizing myself through Casteville and Facebook no longer provides what I needed, and I am preparing once agan to engage with myself on a different level. This usually means it's writin' time! 

This is fantastic and difficult! Yay, my addiction is ending/ended. Boo, now I have to engage. (Ooo yuck it is so humid right now! Sorry, had to whine.) However, it's also planning time! (Yay!) so that I engage usefully with the things I wish to encourage/love/grow in my life. I feel like I am finally me again in some obscure way that I can't pin down. I have missed this clarity of thought and feeling, being lost in emotions and cycles lately. Some of the words I have been using lately have finally come home to be meaningful, perhaps, whereas before they were just words on the wind.

Methods of Care
I have also been talking about the ways people care, or show they care, in relation to me when I am upset or emotional. I distrust my emotions, something I think I picked up from my dad, especially when they are too great for me to think through. I need physical contact, i think, though if I don't want contact with you at the time, then it means I'm hurting/upset/angry. I'm pretty obvious, really, because then i will tell you. I think the problem is that when I am emo, my defenses are raised and I can be just as awful as any one else. I struggle to control it, and I struggle with my anger. It goes quickly - ask Ju. I was pretty ropable at lunch the other day, and once the damn was opened I vented and vented and vented until finally the flow of words slowed down, and then... of course... I suggested setting fire to every one who had upset me. Threatening to set fire to things is my way of being finished, and having that clarity begin to return. It doesn't mean that my clarity is back by a long shot LOL but it's coming back, and it's a way to inject a little levity into the situation. What, other people don't laugh while they're hurting? I do, I am always looking for the funny things, the little amusements that make me smile. This doesn't negate the importance of the situation, but laughing together helps me to feel connected to the person I am talking to.

Peppering Questions
I have been asking lots of people their thoughts and opinions about moving house. It seems lots of people are doing it right now! This is now your space - what do you suggest/recommend/story you wish to tell me? Good ones would be lovely LOL but I am also curious as to what you prioritise when it comes to a house, or mortgage, or even your life and how it is shaped by your choices in living arrangements. Have fun!

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
I am processing a lot of stuff right now, and the song that's helping me through is this one:



I have had it on repeat for two days now!

Health
Tooth has stopped hurting. I must not use this as an excuse to put off the dentists though. I really don't want to go. I don't need another 2 weeks of pain, drugs, and unwellness. Not right now. Eating has been good though, I am really happy with how my habits have just snapped back into place. Successfully navigated Han's Cafe yesterday. The meal was not the best of experiences, but the tom kha was meh but noodle free, and the satays were meh but once again carb free.

Running on Quicksand
I feel like I am running as hard as I can but there's somethng that just keeps sucking at my feet, making my work invisible or useless, and I never quite know what's going on under the sand. It's annoying and it's there and it's not going away and I an't slow down but I can't get any faster either. And it shifts; sometimes it's a hill or a mountain, sometimes I am running up or sometimes I am running down. This month sucks. I am totes ready for it to be over with. There's some pretty major discussion about life decisions going on around here. And changing the side of the bed has taken away something that often makes me feel better - comfort. I'm not sleeping well, there's all this emo stuff coming up, and it's coming from every one. I just sat on the bed for an hour this morning staring out the window and thinking, processing away. The big thing from last night is that John and I need to consider moving.

This scares me.

It scares me on the scale of the project. It scares me on the scale of the potential mortgage. It scares me because there's no right or wrong decision, there is only a decision, and we hold in our hands our kids' lives. The size of getting this house ready to sell actually terrifies me. The money we're going to need to spend to make it sellable to other people frightens me. The changes in our lives to do this frightens me. It frightens me because I might have to get a job, and then try to juggle everything I have, plus work. I don't want to give up anything. I don't want to give up the kid's after hours times, I don't want to give up my loves, I don't want to give up writing or Saucy Sarahs... and I cried last night, thinking of the guilt I will feel if there's no parent at home when the kids get home from school. No warm house. No one to say "Hi, how was your day?" And obviously this is a big thing for me because I am crying again!

Relationships
I have been spending a lot of energy on relationships around me lately, but oddly enough, not as much as I have previously. The fact my changes in eating plan are working is an awesome sign that I have *enough* right now to begin working again on my health issues, which means my resevoir must be, if not filled, at least at a comfortable level. There's going to be some drastic changes next year with people possibly moving away ...  ok, not so possibly moving away. Of my inner circle, pretty much every one except two people will be in new cities if things go well for them. yay them! But this does also mean my inner circle recharging is going to be ... hard. I draw on my inner circle for comfort and love and I'm so very happy that there's so much potential for them, but I am also aware that the next year will be very different for me and my home, and that the year after that my life is currently unimaginable.

Also, you can't all leave before I ask for help to fix my house!! LOL Oh my, will that be a gardening day to see! Should we have it in winter so we can burn all the sticks and leaves from the front garden? Bonfire, miniskip, naked dancing around the flames?? (Ok, so now I am excited already LOL)

Unimaginable
I think my big problem right now is the sense of being in flux. I am used to visualising the future and making it happen, and one of the things I haven't put too much attention into is the home. I'm stable and happy, after all, so why would I? Though I have been demanding an 8 bedroom 4 bathroom house with a granny flat, I've also been allowing myself to anaesthetize myself through CV and FB, and this has to stop. The end result is that I need to start working harder other sources of income, I think. I have started to get paid for writing this year, which is what I wanted in year 4 of my five year plan, but I need to work this a bit harder.

Future Thoughts
I think I have written this out enough that I can feel a bit calmer. I always planned for us to move, but not until the boys were older. We might not even move. There's some research ahead to do, and then I can move forward. No project is insurmountable. I just need to make sure we get what we need when we make decisions and then act upon them. I also needed this wake up call, I think. I know I have been pissing my time away. Time to start work again. :)
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Health
I think I have a tooth abcess. It would explain my constant getting infections, so hopefully once this is rectified there will be no more infections in my body at all! Yay! 

Detox
Yep, day two, still detoxing. I bought some ketostix, and these ones have sugar monitors on them! Awesomefun! I also bought myself a blood sugar monitor but won't be playing with that just yet. No cravings today, and I found it surprisingly easy to switch back into the diet. It's not so much a detox as just the way I intend to eat for the rest of my life, barring special occasions. So, I am using MyFitnessPal for a giggle, and trying to log my food. It involves some random wild guesses, but for the first two days I have eaten around 1400 calories a day. Apparently I need 2200 or something, but even last time when I was logging I noticed I tend to sit naturally at 1400. It is surprising how much food 1400 calories can be. This includes bacon and eggs, coffee with cream, tom kha gai, satay sticks, my V-8, cheese, pork scotch fillet... I couldn't finish my scotch fillet as I was still too full from a late lunch and the V-8 and cheese I ate after my nap. I am also back into the 2 - 3 litres of water a day thing, which leads into...

Crampy crampy
When I drink so much water, my already delicate salts/sodium/electrolyte balance gets even more fucked up. So I have been drinking one V-8 (250mL with a little extra macrobiotic salt) plus taking the magnesium tablets to try and offset the loss through urine. Last night I woke up at 4:45 with MEGACRAMPS down the front of my calves. I did my usual electrolyte drink (1/2 teaspoon macrobiotic salt, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 250 mls water) and had a hot shower, and then I couldn's sleep because I have muscle pains elsewhere... I think now due to the infection in my system to the abcess! What a complex PITA I can be!

Stats
I suppose you all wanna know the goss, right?
Ok then! Weigh day is actually Sunday. I've just been busy!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0


Movies
Saw Hotel Transylvania today. It's a bromance. It was Ok but I didn't like the gender stuff. Sidelining, demeaning, annoying, horrible gender stuff. Other than that it was a pretty standard movie. Definitely a bromance though. It's all about Drac and Johnnie.
callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Randomly Rambling on a Saturday! Gosh, what will happen next? Masterplan: sort out health this month, Nanowrimo next month, Christmas the month after... dear gods.

Food
So, it's time to clean up my act. I have been thinking on this for days, and I have been thinking about attack plans and preparation. I like a low carb, whole food kind of approach, as I am sure most people must know by now. :) So first, some thoughts. I have to be mentally ready, and part of this means not eating my feelings any more, being more in control when I am out and feeling good, and also being aware of my traps.

Anxiety and Eating My Feelings.
I have been very up and down mentally lately, with a whole slew of things draining my mental energy and distracting me from life in general. One of those things has been a huge rift between my Mum and I, which left me devastated but also left me feeling quite under seige in my own home. Things are starting to work out, but I've been feeling anxious and upset and miserable for most of a week, which has been annoying to say the least. Plus there was a miscommunication with a loved one, and some other general anxious moments. But as someone pointed out, I have had my three and everything should be fine from now on. 

I need to figure out a way to not eat my feelings any more. I have to re-pattern my comforts. :( This is the hardest part, I think, of trying to make this a permanent change. When I am upset of course I am going to reach for something to distract me or make me feel better. So how am I going to change this? What are my options? I can ring people, I guess. Ju might get tired of the sound of my voice, but there are other people I can go to for comfort. I guess. I'm still learning how to do that and not get hurt. I don't think it's been so successful yet. Also, I am planning on divorcing Castleville. How many addictions can I tackle in a week? Suggestions will be welcome!

Going Out and Feeling Good
I have been making bad food choices when I have been out and enjoying myself, and food is often a key part of self care and morale. I need to be more conscious of my choices, and frame the decisions as more 'enjoyment is also choosing healthy food for myself' and 'self care is ensure I make choices based on health rather than desire.' There's always options I can choose if I look hard enough, and treats of quality rather than quantity should be the idea. 

Don't Go Near That Trapdoor!
Oh dear gods the traps! My weaknesses... Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. *cries* Chiko Rolls. *cries* Noodles *cries* (though rice noodles do less damage to me wheat noodles do and I usually choose rice noodles these days.) Crusts of freshly baked bread. *cries* Take away. (No crying here, I hate takeaway but sometimes the efficiency in procurement means we get it.)

So. If I buy or any one gives me Buttercups, I shall.... um, stash them somewhere and use them as rewards? Except I want to get away from the rewards as food thing in my head.  Ask John to stash them somewhere? Eat them all in one go and then be happy? Save it for the cheat meal? Ooo, I like that idea. I shall save them for the cheat meal. Delayed gratification should be fine. The Buttercups don't have much or any wheat in them, the only problem with them is the sugar. So on the scale of bad things, it's bad on the sugar side but not the wheat side.

So. If I am out of the house and need to eat something, I shall... Try and make better choices about food. Less processed food, wheat free food, good, healthy food. Options include carrying a tin of tuna with me at all times (yuck but I usually don't need to snack after a while anyway, and it's OK with salads), buying water, or perhaps considering liquid meals, such as a fruit or vegie smoothie thing. That would also fall in line with the less wheat angle, and the processing angle isn't too bad, it's more the additives that come with processing that's the problem in other foods I am worried about. Restaurants often have salads, or lumps of meat with salads, and I can ask them to hold the potatoes/chips/whatever.

Practicalities
What I can do in the house to make sure my needs are met and my detoxing from carbs is successful.
- when I have the urge to snack, I can eat cheese, boiled eggs, tuna, drink water, have a coffee
- I will make sure my water bottle gets filled regularly as I know I drink it when I fill it
- Make sure there is cooked chicken or meatballs or protein foods handy
- make sure there is always salad ingredients handy
- if I am out of the house and at someone else's house and I am desperate, fruit is usually available and is wheat free and not processed
- I will buy a half a cow
- I will buy 12 kilos of chicken legs asap
- I will do a final edit of my shopping list to get rid of any processed foods that have snuck into my list.
- Breakfast ideas can include a boiled egg and V-8 if I can't stand bacon and eggs any more.
- No tomato sauce
- no packaged bernaise
- One week's chicken cooked and in the freezer at all times
- One cheat meal a week, or less.

Final Notes
I will start on Monday I guess. I am going to get my monthly shop delivered on Monday, and I have no idea what food is already in the house. I was a bit out of it when I did last month's shop, so I bought heaps of condiments and a couple of packaged stuff. I am more alert this month, so I will go over it and make sure I get rid of the stuff that might be tempting to me. We need to do a weigh in as I found that not weighing in did not help me at all when I tried to clean up during August or whenever it was that I got so sick I ended up on 2 types of antibiotics.. I am looking forward to having everything under comtrol again. I can't believe how often we eat when we're eating crap. I can't wait to stop snacking, and I can't wait to stop feeling cramped and bloated in the tummy when I know I can fix that. Maybe I should just take measurements rather than weigh in. Also, once the initial week or two is over, I will be going back to the gym. Yay gym! Firm decision required - weigh ins plus measurements I think.

Suggestions or comments welcome but I reserve the right to ignore any trolling or unhelpful comments.

callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Mmmm

Headache
Still going on. :( Need to see physio(today, yay!) and also stop eating wheat and sugar. It's a crutch right now, and I don't know if I can let go just yet.

Narratives
I have been thinking a lot about narratives and the construction of narratives. We make meaning from the stories in our lives, and narrative flow is as important as real events are. Our brains construct narratives at all times, ways of deepening understanding and learning lessons and seeing the world as a cohesive place. I wonder if the desire for narrative is what gave birth to the original religions, and is what keeps religions going. We all want to be part of a great work, a narrative that is bigger than us and also meaningful. We see smaller narratives in the way we interact with other people and understand feelings and responses to those narratives. Changing those narratives takes so much work, and I want to be sure it's worth the work.

Big Brother
Ooo, I don't like Michael burning Layla's limited edition Burberry bag that was a gift from a friend. Limited. Edition. Gift. Burberry. Wow. I am glad Michael is thoroughly pissed off with himself, I think he deserves it!



callistra: Eric Carles' Very Hungry Caterpillar (Default)
Gosh it's been a while! I've been putting all of my energies into the house and getting ready for the party, so I haven't been blogging. I have missed you all!

Part-ay!
The NAFF fundraising Wine and Cheese and Corsetry party went really well! We raised $250, plus ate lots of awesome cheeses and drank some lovely wine. Great turn out, and perfect numbers to fit into my little house! Every one dressed up and looked great for the occasion, and I really enjoyed running around and playing hostess. People have told me they had a great time, so I am now tempted to do it all again... Also have made more friends, and deepening relationships at the party too. I had a great time! I have just finished the handwashing and cleanup today LOL

Headache!
I had a migraine last week, and now I seem to still have the same headache across the last few days. Maybe I will go see my physio soon, but it's a mild headache and it's just in the back of my neck/head... I can put this off more...

Wedding!
Went to the most beautiful wedding on Sunday! The bride and groom were both radiant and lovely, and their families also looked so very happy to be there. I was so honoured to be invited! Speeches were very heartfelt and made me cry, and I cried during the ceremony too as every one just looked so happy. Wonderful!

Exhausted!
After finishing at 2ish on Saturday, then 11:30ish on Sunday, I'm dead on my feet! Slept well last night... except for that hour in the middle which was most annoying. Hoping for a good night's sleep today, then I should be most perky. I like being perky.

Friendships
I am putting a lot of energy into new relationships at the moment. This kind of scotches my plans to hide under my rock! Lots of new people around, which is both daunting and invigorating. Have managed to get out of my inner social groups and met more people. It's funny to go from no one and nothing new for so long and then suddenly meet so many new people and have so many new conversations and new ideas. It highlights my willingness to hermit, and I find myself being aware of how much energy I spend where. I'm trying to be  careful to ensure that every one gets what they need from me, and also to ensure I get what I need in return. A bit of a delicate balancing act. :)




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