callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Ketoing away!
Yay! I have started ketoing! I noticed yesterday that I was getting that taste in my mouth, and the ketostix are starting to go pink. This morning I got deep purple! This is good (yay, back into ketoing) but also means that my body is innefficient at burning ketones, which will come later. A keto spill now is good, it means my body is burning fats correctly. But soon the ketostix won't do anything because my body will burn more efficiently again. I'm really pleased with the diet, it's all going really well!

Thoughts on Boundaries, Happiness, and Poly Independance
Thinking about boundaries and independance today, and also reading articles and stuff about it too. This is an article on Reddit about being independant and poly, and also leachim posted this about the pursuit of happiness vs actual happiness. Boundary setting and awareness is such an important thing for happiness. I disagree with the pursuit vs actual happiness when they say that happy times have to go, as time passes. I think the pursuit of happiness is a skill we need to teach people how to develop; and this is why there's so many self help books out there. We all have our own waus of going about do it, but in the end, it's YOU and YOUR happiness that has to be figured out. Books can give you hints and suggestions, but rarely will it give you the answer. Happiness itself, I think, can be encouraged and developed but is also shaped by the things we bring into the happiness, and I don't see why a happy moment won't add to a general sense of happiness that persevers long beyond the sun is gone and the tea is drunk. But this, too is a skill that has to be developed.

The Reddit article was interesting for me in that it talks about the formation of a team in a relationship. IE, we're independant and self aware, and we know our boundaries and needs, but when we form a relationship, we are forming a team, and this is why we need to know when the other people in our teams are working in tandem with us, rather than in opposition. I am very much a proponent of Ask culture rather than Guess culture, and so these sorts of discussions are not as difficult for me as they can be for some but once again it's a skill that needs to be developed and committed to. Once we know what we want, we can then reach for it. Reaching as a team is a very different skill to reaching as a single, and reaching while in *any* poly relationship also has a different shape and form.

I was talking to someone once about his relationships and mine, and he was making jokes that the V shapes should meet, suggesting the F - F section should develop a poly relationship and have hot sex. He was joking, but at the same time it's a curious thing that he used the word 'should' in this discussion so often, but never the word 'allow.'

Back to the previous points raised in the Pursuit of Happiness vs Happiness article, it also talks about the search for meaning. I have been searching for meaning again for a few weeks now, which means that I am starting to feel stable enough, energetic enough, to start putting my head above water, and maybe daring to breath again. This means anaesthetizing myself through Casteville and Facebook no longer provides what I needed, and I am preparing once agan to engage with myself on a different level. This usually means it's writin' time! 

This is fantastic and difficult! Yay, my addiction is ending/ended. Boo, now I have to engage. (Ooo yuck it is so humid right now! Sorry, had to whine.) However, it's also planning time! (Yay!) so that I engage usefully with the things I wish to encourage/love/grow in my life. I feel like I am finally me again in some obscure way that I can't pin down. I have missed this clarity of thought and feeling, being lost in emotions and cycles lately. Some of the words I have been using lately have finally come home to be meaningful, perhaps, whereas before they were just words on the wind.

Methods of Care
I have also been talking about the ways people care, or show they care, in relation to me when I am upset or emotional. I distrust my emotions, something I think I picked up from my dad, especially when they are too great for me to think through. I need physical contact, i think, though if I don't want contact with you at the time, then it means I'm hurting/upset/angry. I'm pretty obvious, really, because then i will tell you. I think the problem is that when I am emo, my defenses are raised and I can be just as awful as any one else. I struggle to control it, and I struggle with my anger. It goes quickly - ask Ju. I was pretty ropable at lunch the other day, and once the damn was opened I vented and vented and vented until finally the flow of words slowed down, and then... of course... I suggested setting fire to every one who had upset me. Threatening to set fire to things is my way of being finished, and having that clarity begin to return. It doesn't mean that my clarity is back by a long shot LOL but it's coming back, and it's a way to inject a little levity into the situation. What, other people don't laugh while they're hurting? I do, I am always looking for the funny things, the little amusements that make me smile. This doesn't negate the importance of the situation, but laughing together helps me to feel connected to the person I am talking to.

Peppering Questions
I have been asking lots of people their thoughts and opinions about moving house. It seems lots of people are doing it right now! This is now your space - what do you suggest/recommend/story you wish to tell me? Good ones would be lovely LOL but I am also curious as to what you prioritise when it comes to a house, or mortgage, or even your life and how it is shaped by your choices in living arrangements. Have fun!

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callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
callistra

April 2015

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