callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
OMG how long has it been since I posted? You all know I only come here when I have time, right?? So.. have been a tad busy.

So, a bit of a run down for those who are curious.

I got a job! I can't remember if I posted here to mention that. I am now working for iiBorg, provisioning telephones and internet at a place near you. This week, i have dreamed about work every night. Last night, I dreamt about connecting phone lines, adsl, being on a headset and being on calls several times. In different dreams. *sigh*

So, my typical day looks a lot like this:

6:10 we get out of bed and I shower while john makes coffee and breakfast. I am having problems with food right now, so I eat as much as I can of one egg and a slice of bacon, and drink my coffee while brushing hair/getting dressed/trying to be presentable. If I have time, I will play about 5 minutes of farmville, but only if someone else has already turned on the PC. I just don't bother if the PC is not already on.

7:00 we drive me to the train, and I catch the train to Subi.

On the train, I check FB and this week, I rang people. Wow, me using the phone! Voluntarily! For longer than five seconds! Wow! I have been driven by desperation - time crunched and half my friends all moving to Melbourne... so yeah. I am learning to use the phone. And learning to use my phone credit LOL

8:10ish I am at work for an 8:30 start. I take calls and do tasks. I get one 15 minute break, one 30 minute lunch, and one 10 minute break. Finish at 5:00 and walk back to the train station and catch the train home. John catches up with me in Perth and we train home together.I check FB and he plays Civilisation.

6:00ish we get home, and on Mondays we still have our Family nights with willowgypsy and leachim. Willow picks up the kids from school and cooks us dinner, so I walk through to door to a loving family, which is just ... *awesome*. Tuesday Mum has the kids and it's just the four of us for dinner, and then Wednesday we have Doctor Who night, and leachim often walks through the door at the same time as we do, or else about ten minutes later. Thursdays it's usually just four of us, and Friday is Daycare day, and every couple of weeks I go out with leachim. Chesh goes to Artifactory most Wednesday nights except for once a month when it's Polymeet night, and I go to Polymeets.

Weekends are often spent trying to catch up. Throwing in Swancon and other stuff, we have been hell busy. Now Swancon is over, I am concentrating on my home life more. I am trying to retrain Vin's sleep habits so he stops getting outof bed five times and not sleeping until 9:30, and we have had some wins there - he is often asleep before 8:00 this week - yay!

He's been having 'sads' which i think have been a combination of a number of factors - lactose buildup when he is intolerant (an experiment gone wrong, really), low iron, sleep deprivation, and the changes going on around here. They are completely terrifying for me. It's sucha struggle, and I struggle with me, and my self, to do the best thing in his interest and mine. I want to scream and shout and make him stop, but I don't want to be that person, so I struggle and just try to be there for him while he's screaming at me to go away. It's a bit of a mess but the severity is dropping, to the point where I think the food and sleep is starting to have a good effect and it's more of a tantrum than a full on emotional storm. I have hopes that there will be no sad this weekend - they seem to happen a lot at five seconds to dinner time on Sunday nights.

The changes with working the re-distribution of my stresses has actually been going really well. There were going to be changes of course, but I was wondering if they would be difficult to incorporate mentally. It is odd and I miss the kids and my old life a lot, but at the same time, I get paid! And I'm not as exhausted as I thought I would be - I still walk outof there with the urge to create and play with colour and write. I just don't have much un-allocated time, and I am getting used to using what un-allocated time I do have. It's only been a couple of months, and it usually takes about 6 for things to really sort itself out. Then I am sure I will get back into editing/writing. It's so awesome to still have the urge, even if I don't get to actually *do* much. Painting my nails is both a creative outlet and some self care that brings me joy. :) I get to play with colours! And buying mini OPIs is my new hobby, and I am rather loving it.

Swancon was really lovely. I wanted a quiet con where I could just enjoy it, and not "work," and that happened. I had some very special moments with all my closest friends, and signed up for programming with John for 2015. Yes, that's how much extra energy one con "off" can give me LOL and I am really excited to be working with the committee.

Oddly enough, now I have no time and no interest in food, I want to have awesome dinner parties again. I want to spend time cooking as an art on the weekends. I made soup and stew yesterday, and have bought a new cooking mag and suggested a dinner party to some friends while imagining the stacked and layered chocolate desserts I could make for every one.

Ok, enough rambling for now. I should go clean something, but I have already done a bit of that... LOL
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
So, next year my family will have no income. Again. We did that earlier this year, and we've only just gotten back to the point where we don't owe any one money from that time, and we've paid off the debts and stuff that we accumulated. We were finally going to have a month without Christmas or Birthdays or door payments...

Except not, I guess.

The IT industry is a funny thing right now. We didn't feel the GFC so much at the time, but we certainly seem to be feeling the after effects. Not that it's actually over, as far as I remember it being reported. It's caused some real uncertainty in IT, and we've been working from contract to contract with the hope of a permanent position. The promise was lost, however when the mining companies started to take a hit too, and so no permanent job for us.

So now I am looking for a job too. Full time, interesting, stable... I can do a lot of stuff. I am flexible, self motivating, and a pleasure to work with. But I haven't worked for someone else for almost 8 years. It's not a black hole of time by any means. I have written novels, sold lingerie, run my own business, written manuals, developed an online home business, worked on the Board of WASFF for many years, volunteered at the school, seen some bits of America, sold short stories... I know all this because I have been writing job applications and going over my CV and wondering.... if I am enough.

I have to work out so much stuff. Do I want to try for a career? If so, what career? I have to start at the bottom again, and can I start in a way so I don't die of boredom while I learn from the ground up? Will anything I have done before be useful or valued? Am I hire-able? Can I get a stable job? Is any industry stable these days? What's the point in sorting out what *I* want when really, my family *needs* the stability over the possible career? If IT is as unstable as it appears to be, there has to be an income stream into the family that is constant and reliable. I would love to do temping for a while and do all sorts of things and see what's out there but maybe I just need something steady instead?

This is just the beginning of the job search. I have potentially months to go before I get hired. I struggle with the reversal of power in this situation; I want to be the one who does the research and picks the company to apply all my attention to, and when you're talking  career level stuff, that used to be the way to get your job. But these days I think I have to apply the scatter shot approach. Apply for as many low level jobs as possible in the hopes I get something. Anything. Whatever!

If Chesh manages to get his contract sorted out, there's going to be times when we're *both* working. And it's not even for the money, in that instance, that I need a job. It's the stability. I find this an odd position to be in. The last year has definitely had a lot of trust in it, that we'd find a suitable contract at a suitable rate and a suitable time, but the 9 weeks without pay earlier this year kind of destroyed that trust. This time when it was confirmed the permanent job would not be appearing, and that no contracts were being renewed (John had suspicions) we both hit the ground running. I bought half a cow. John started applying for a minimum of a job a day. I already remember the recipes and the meal plans to minimize food costs. I cried a bit, to be doing this again.

But this is life. :)

And the food is the least of our worries, in a way. I can do things with 10 kilos of rice and 10 kilos of mince to feed us for a month if I had to. The food is not really an issue. It's the bigger things that are going to bounce and worry me. I should start making lists and if we don't have a contract organized by January, I should start ringing companies and asking for suspensions. I don't want to. It's so much fluffing around and so annoying and so... so... embarrassing. I will ring anyway, and I know my cheeks will burn with something which could just be labelled shame. But whatever. I am not ashamed that I need help. I think it's more that I know people make judgements, and that I can't help that and I am powerless and I have to ask the powerful for help. It frustrates me and makes me angry that I'm not the powerful one. It's easy to be benevolent when I have the power. :) less easy when i don't.

I'm not the most graceful of people, that's certainly been proven lately. At least my bratty behaviour seems to be under better control. Hurting the people who love you is never a good thing.

Hurting people trying to help is also never a good thing. This is all just temporary, and I am secure in a web of love and loving people and I know we will be fine. nothing really has changed - we have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Yet something indefinable has changed, and the future seems more uncertain. I'm working through the future and trying to shape what I can but the ground is shifty and difficult to rely on. I need to harden the underlying supports to my family, and that means I can't just pull the wagons close and wait it out this time. I need to get out there and attack the problem. :) I need a job.

I have many worries. Maybe I should stick to writing about one of them at a time.

I find the whole jump from feast to famine really also very disconcerting. We will go from zero income to potentially thousands a month, especially if we're both working at the same time. Such a huge difference! I have to incorporate that into any plans for next year too. Everything is so uncertain. It's weird that there will be so much money coming in, and that we won't *need* it all. I am hoping to save it, keep it, and do stuff... but what? London or new home? Bali with the kids? Brisbane, Melbourne, Tasmania?

This also affects our hopes and plans to move. We won't be able to get a houseloan while Chesh is between contracts, and we can't use any potential job I might have because the banks won't allow for it until i have had the job for 6 - 12 months. Apparently because John has been in the same industry for years and years, his contract work is ok to get a house loan with. We're sitting on 130K of equity that we can't use.

I have nothing else to add to this post yet. It's just random rambling as I think and process. At least I am now at the point where i can think and process. I don't feel too stressed yet, but that might come later. Right now I am seeking ways to plan, to envision and to be prepared for what's coming. This year (2012) I think had some underlying themes of TRUST and FAITH. I'm not sure if I have learnt the lesson yet or if it's still ongoing. The word REDEFINITION is coming up a lot. Maybe it's time I redefined my family and the way it functions. It's time I redefined the roles we all play. It's time to redefine who I am again in an external sense rather than internal. It's time to redefine what my kids do and how they function in the family.

Goodbye 2012. I won't miss you much. You sure had some highlights but you sure had some lowlights too. 2013 will be better. :)


callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Religion
Turns out I have Views about people feeding my children religion. Huh. Now there's a surprise! There's a group during lunch time called Splashzone, which I thought was supposed to be to help support kids with problems, and hve a counselling bent. I am aware it's sort of run by the chaplain last year, but this year we don't really have a chaplain, we have a community officer. Anyway, I don't know how it happened but last term Vin went to one, and brought home a permission slip. Interesting, since he's not supposed to go before the permission slip was signed, and I didn't sign the form. This term, he's gone to another one, and they let him in without a form, and now he's asking us if we believe in God because of various airy fairy reasons and Chesh and I are Not. Impressed. Have had a word with the teacher, now considering writing a letter about it. We chose a public school because we didn't like John Wollaston's churchy thing, and they're not actually as bad as most. Hmph.

Sweet thoughts
People are mostly really awesome. This October has been a complete whirlwind of pain and horribleness, then followed up with three awesome things coming my way - lunch with a friend who lives in America, my pumpkin corset, and a rather awesome present from a friend moving house. It's been an odd month all over. So glad there's only a few more days left. And extremely appreciative of kind, sweet, thoughtful, flirty comments from friends. :D

Transcendancing is evil
She likes causing me pain. One of her special abilities is to be able to hold the intentionality of a relationship within herself as a solid, reliable thing. I've always been a do-er kind of person. Can't see it, touch it, do it, breathe it, then I'm not so sure it's real. However Transcendancing sort of holds the intent within her like it's a real thing, so the intent or desire to be with her is 'enough.' It's a lesson I am working very hard on learning. This learning thing is hard work. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn enough, do enough, be enough... so I can stop this learning/self working cycle. I am re-reading SARK's book at the moment about Succulent Wild Women (thanks for it Lilysea, it's been instrumental this month) and her BF once made a comment to her that they always seem to be working on their relationship, but never spending much time just being in the relationship. A lot of the last few months have felt like that, and I'm hoping that period is now easing off a bit, and I can enjoy being who I am right now and just enjoy the awesome men and women in my life.

Writing
November is just days away. I'm not sure I have enough fire to do Nano. However, if I don't try, I won't know. Hoping to finish off Skintree this year. Just not entirely sure *how* to do this. The original text is in scrivener, which means it's already peicemeal, and since I want wordcounts of new words, there's a fair amount of fiddling and overhead. Otherwise I port it into word or Notetab and do the writing as a solid block, but then I later have to cut it up to put it into scrivener in a useful manner. Eh, whatever.

The Project
Liking the idea of building more and more. I don't care what the outside of a house looks like (which helps) but I do care about space inside, which seems to suit the ideas that come across in the building plans these days.


callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Health
Went to the gym today! Mostly because I am premenstrual and retaining water, and I wanted to zone out while walking. It is just easier to do that at the gym! walked for 25 minutes before I got too bored. Managed to put on 2 kilos this week! I expect it's water weight from period and a big weekend, but dammit! :)

I have no idea what I am going to write about this morning LOL I even had some worked out in my head with great titles and everything! Ah well! :)

Today is a Bit of an Odd Day
And I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Wasn't too cranky, given that some PMT days I am ragey, mostly I was just sort of ... inwards and slightly negative. Most of that seems to have lifted after the gym. I have taken three of the magnesium tablets and just had some cruskits with pate to increase my nutrition for the day. (The pate and carbs can help ease some of my symptoms as well as the magnesium tablets say to take 3 for PMT symptoms, and since I already take 2 a day it's not that much of a leap to take one more.) 

Ponderings
I have been pondering on a number of things lately, and I realise I have been feeling like I have let something go. I like conscious decisions about the important things in my life, but I feel like at some point my grasp on my life has slipped, and rather than me buffetting the world, the world is buffetting me. It's time for me to stop and think, and effectively regroup before I start any real work on any big projects. Still thinking very hard about the getting a job issue, as well as the moving house issue, and being PMTy on top of that has been... annoying. To put it mildly. I am still feeling out the shape of next year, I think, but having to do it in different terms from what I am used to.

I do wonder sometimes, what is my urgency? Why am I always in such a hurry? What do I think will happen if I don't hurry, or if I let things go? What could I let go? Is this the shape I want things to be?

I spent about twenty minutes sitting outside and just letting my thoughts ramble. I think I need to do this again and again until I find my central balance again. I need to find the magic words to bring the quietness in. I need to start creating again, rather than just being created.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Binders Full of Women
people have been having a great time with that little error of phrasing! We understand what he meant, but if you look at the whole discussion that quote is a part of, then you can see the systematic lack of understanding of how entrenched sexism works. He was trying to fix a problem with a band aid, and the main problem is his attitude, which has lead into the unfortunate phrase about the binders full of women.

Strength
I am starting to get the urge to do some strength training/row again. The urge is there but I still want to wait another week or so. I might kick off some push ups instead for now. My shoulders are going to kill me!

Doctor Who
We watched the end of season 4 last night. I didn't explode into a wall of rage this time around, but I may have been slightly distracted. Still pissed off about the way the writers handled Donna in the end, and watching it again also made me realise that they knew what they were doing. There's a theme running through the season with Donna about her struggles with obscurity. She has these awesome talents and skills and gets jobs with them, but then the problems that get her fired tend to not be her own problems - her boss in Turn Left with the wandering hands, her fiancee in the beginning... and she is brilliant. Just in the normal world she never quite fits in, and to give her that moment of glory, and then to whip it out from under her... it still really upsets me! And some of the cheap shots were unnecessary - her interest in Jack could have been handled so much better :( They're still my one true pairing though LOL

I relate so well to Donna because I think I am talented and maybe even a little brilliant at times. But I also struggle with obscurity, and make conscious choices about where to put my energies to ensure I get what I want from life. I want to shine, and I love working with people, and I love to teach/explore/learn... but there's so much stuff that *has* to be done. I want to shine, and be paid for shining! :D I don't want much LOL I'm still trying to get there...

Sleep!
Three days in a row! Oh gosh! Sleep! I was super productive yesterday even if I didn't get everything done. I should do some of those things today but it's my first kid free day! J and V are both in school today! Yay! 

The Project
I have some one coming out today to look at the property and someone coming out tomorrow. I am stunned with the sheer brilliance of customer service when you need to sell a house. Maybe I should look at selling houses for a job! And the sales rep coming out today is bringing his wife with him, who happens to be a mortgage broker. I am expecting these two will be a killer couple. I should run and hide now! So the Data is starting to flow. I was hoping to have al my info by the end of the month, not the end of the week! I am in a bit of shock!



callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Well, yesterday was a busy day!

People are Strange
So I posted on FB yesterday saying I didn't want to be alone, but that it was OK. Someone pinged me later and said "Ok, I'll bite, why are you feeling isolated?" and I was like WTF? Because, a) I didn't say I was feeling isolated, I said I was feeling alone, which are very different things. Isolation means I feel I can't access my friends or family at a time where I need to, whereas alone just means without the company I'd like. Mostly, I felt like I wanted to spend time with Chesh because there's some very large thoughts going down around here, and I wanted to talk to him about them. However, every one invited me over for lunch and coffee so I ended up spending a lot of time yesterday talking to people other than Chesh about my thoughts and ideas about the move, and that was awesome.

And B) You'll bite? Really? You think I post on FB just to bait people into talking to me? Really? *tries to look even more disblieving* How about you actually preface the comment with some words that might indicate you actually care, especially since you seem to think I was feeling isolated (which, on the scale of things, seemed to cause more worry in you than alone did) where as opening with "I'll bite" is just ... annoying.

Got another one today too.
"I was wondering how you're going with this..."
Really? It's so hard to say "Hey, where are you with this task?" I was wondering how you phrase your emails like that, but, you know, I'm not about to email back "Well, I was wondering about doing the task but then I started wondering about playing facebook games and before I knew it I was wondering about replying to your email and lo and behold nothing ever got done!" If I was seriously premenstrual (read: viewing the world through a haze of hate and anger) then I may have responded... but since I don't seem to be too premenstrual, I shall translate from passive aggressive into real communication and work from there.

>.>

Ok, maybe I am a leeetle premenstrual? But in a fun way? Maybe? LOL

The Project
Talked to lots of people yesterday, and also talked lots to Chesh yesterday. Yay talking! I have ideas. But first, the data collection. I need to start with how much is this house worth, to sell or rent, and get some info on that. Next stage will be info from the banks about how much we can potentially borrow, and the third stage of Data will be examining and critiquing our budget and starting a fitness regime for our spending habits. We're both pretty excited about this now, and so hoping there will be some real progress. :)

I Didn't Want To Be Alone
because I don't want to be the only one making all the decisions and home building that this is going to entail. It's going to take so much work, and I want Chesh to be on board and aware of the stuff we/I are going to need to look into and address. I bought this house here, Chesh didn't even see it until after we had put in an offer on it. He was OK with that - we just decided at the time that he didn't want to make the time/trusted me to do pick a good enough house. We still love the house and will be sad to see it go, but the original plan was to only be here until the kids were about 10 - 12, and then move. So we move it forward a few years. :) So, first step is Data. Then we need to start considering other issues, such as my getting a job, how much savings we will need to organize, picking a new suburb, listing the important, urgent, and wish-for lists for the new house, and also finding out what houses are like these days. There's will have been 13 years worth of new houses built since I last looked at house hunting, so I am pretty excited to see what is out there now. Chesh was pretty shocked to discover that most newish houses don't have double brick outer walls. I have no opinions on that!

Administrivia (List du Jour) )
Last word... thought some more about determined vs stubborn. Determined is where you choose your path, and it's difficult to sway you. Stubborn is where someone else chooses your path, and you choose not to be swayed.

Oooo, deep! LOL
*hugs* to every one!

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Weekly Weigh In!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0


Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :1
Current Weight: 112
Current Loss: 3.1
Cumulative Loss: 3.1


Water weight gone. Time for some serious weight loss now. I'm expecting about a pound a week, but that will vary depending on my period. I will lose a pound for the first three weeks, hold onto a pound on the fourth and then dump it all for a 2 or 3 pound loss after/during my period.

I am now the smallest I have been in probably two decades. I don't know. This is the smallest BMI, the smallest weight. It's both happy making and terrifying.

I have lost 9.8 kilos this year.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Ketoing away!
Yay! I have started ketoing! I noticed yesterday that I was getting that taste in my mouth, and the ketostix are starting to go pink. This morning I got deep purple! This is good (yay, back into ketoing) but also means that my body is innefficient at burning ketones, which will come later. A keto spill now is good, it means my body is burning fats correctly. But soon the ketostix won't do anything because my body will burn more efficiently again. I'm really pleased with the diet, it's all going really well!

Thoughts on Boundaries, Happiness, and Poly Independance
Thinking about boundaries and independance today, and also reading articles and stuff about it too. This is an article on Reddit about being independant and poly, and also leachim posted this about the pursuit of happiness vs actual happiness. Boundary setting and awareness is such an important thing for happiness. I disagree with the pursuit vs actual happiness when they say that happy times have to go, as time passes. I think the pursuit of happiness is a skill we need to teach people how to develop; and this is why there's so many self help books out there. We all have our own waus of going about do it, but in the end, it's YOU and YOUR happiness that has to be figured out. Books can give you hints and suggestions, but rarely will it give you the answer. Happiness itself, I think, can be encouraged and developed but is also shaped by the things we bring into the happiness, and I don't see why a happy moment won't add to a general sense of happiness that persevers long beyond the sun is gone and the tea is drunk. But this, too is a skill that has to be developed.

The Reddit article was interesting for me in that it talks about the formation of a team in a relationship. IE, we're independant and self aware, and we know our boundaries and needs, but when we form a relationship, we are forming a team, and this is why we need to know when the other people in our teams are working in tandem with us, rather than in opposition. I am very much a proponent of Ask culture rather than Guess culture, and so these sorts of discussions are not as difficult for me as they can be for some but once again it's a skill that needs to be developed and committed to. Once we know what we want, we can then reach for it. Reaching as a team is a very different skill to reaching as a single, and reaching while in *any* poly relationship also has a different shape and form.

I was talking to someone once about his relationships and mine, and he was making jokes that the V shapes should meet, suggesting the F - F section should develop a poly relationship and have hot sex. He was joking, but at the same time it's a curious thing that he used the word 'should' in this discussion so often, but never the word 'allow.'

Back to the previous points raised in the Pursuit of Happiness vs Happiness article, it also talks about the search for meaning. I have been searching for meaning again for a few weeks now, which means that I am starting to feel stable enough, energetic enough, to start putting my head above water, and maybe daring to breath again. This means anaesthetizing myself through Casteville and Facebook no longer provides what I needed, and I am preparing once agan to engage with myself on a different level. This usually means it's writin' time! 

This is fantastic and difficult! Yay, my addiction is ending/ended. Boo, now I have to engage. (Ooo yuck it is so humid right now! Sorry, had to whine.) However, it's also planning time! (Yay!) so that I engage usefully with the things I wish to encourage/love/grow in my life. I feel like I am finally me again in some obscure way that I can't pin down. I have missed this clarity of thought and feeling, being lost in emotions and cycles lately. Some of the words I have been using lately have finally come home to be meaningful, perhaps, whereas before they were just words on the wind.

Methods of Care
I have also been talking about the ways people care, or show they care, in relation to me when I am upset or emotional. I distrust my emotions, something I think I picked up from my dad, especially when they are too great for me to think through. I need physical contact, i think, though if I don't want contact with you at the time, then it means I'm hurting/upset/angry. I'm pretty obvious, really, because then i will tell you. I think the problem is that when I am emo, my defenses are raised and I can be just as awful as any one else. I struggle to control it, and I struggle with my anger. It goes quickly - ask Ju. I was pretty ropable at lunch the other day, and once the damn was opened I vented and vented and vented until finally the flow of words slowed down, and then... of course... I suggested setting fire to every one who had upset me. Threatening to set fire to things is my way of being finished, and having that clarity begin to return. It doesn't mean that my clarity is back by a long shot LOL but it's coming back, and it's a way to inject a little levity into the situation. What, other people don't laugh while they're hurting? I do, I am always looking for the funny things, the little amusements that make me smile. This doesn't negate the importance of the situation, but laughing together helps me to feel connected to the person I am talking to.

Peppering Questions
I have been asking lots of people their thoughts and opinions about moving house. It seems lots of people are doing it right now! This is now your space - what do you suggest/recommend/story you wish to tell me? Good ones would be lovely LOL but I am also curious as to what you prioritise when it comes to a house, or mortgage, or even your life and how it is shaped by your choices in living arrangements. Have fun!

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I am processing a lot of stuff right now, and the song that's helping me through is this one:



I have had it on repeat for two days now!

Health
Tooth has stopped hurting. I must not use this as an excuse to put off the dentists though. I really don't want to go. I don't need another 2 weeks of pain, drugs, and unwellness. Not right now. Eating has been good though, I am really happy with how my habits have just snapped back into place. Successfully navigated Han's Cafe yesterday. The meal was not the best of experiences, but the tom kha was meh but noodle free, and the satays were meh but once again carb free.

Running on Quicksand
I feel like I am running as hard as I can but there's somethng that just keeps sucking at my feet, making my work invisible or useless, and I never quite know what's going on under the sand. It's annoying and it's there and it's not going away and I an't slow down but I can't get any faster either. And it shifts; sometimes it's a hill or a mountain, sometimes I am running up or sometimes I am running down. This month sucks. I am totes ready for it to be over with. There's some pretty major discussion about life decisions going on around here. And changing the side of the bed has taken away something that often makes me feel better - comfort. I'm not sleeping well, there's all this emo stuff coming up, and it's coming from every one. I just sat on the bed for an hour this morning staring out the window and thinking, processing away. The big thing from last night is that John and I need to consider moving.

This scares me.

It scares me on the scale of the project. It scares me on the scale of the potential mortgage. It scares me because there's no right or wrong decision, there is only a decision, and we hold in our hands our kids' lives. The size of getting this house ready to sell actually terrifies me. The money we're going to need to spend to make it sellable to other people frightens me. The changes in our lives to do this frightens me. It frightens me because I might have to get a job, and then try to juggle everything I have, plus work. I don't want to give up anything. I don't want to give up the kid's after hours times, I don't want to give up my loves, I don't want to give up writing or Saucy Sarahs... and I cried last night, thinking of the guilt I will feel if there's no parent at home when the kids get home from school. No warm house. No one to say "Hi, how was your day?" And obviously this is a big thing for me because I am crying again!

Relationships
I have been spending a lot of energy on relationships around me lately, but oddly enough, not as much as I have previously. The fact my changes in eating plan are working is an awesome sign that I have *enough* right now to begin working again on my health issues, which means my resevoir must be, if not filled, at least at a comfortable level. There's going to be some drastic changes next year with people possibly moving away ...  ok, not so possibly moving away. Of my inner circle, pretty much every one except two people will be in new cities if things go well for them. yay them! But this does also mean my inner circle recharging is going to be ... hard. I draw on my inner circle for comfort and love and I'm so very happy that there's so much potential for them, but I am also aware that the next year will be very different for me and my home, and that the year after that my life is currently unimaginable.

Also, you can't all leave before I ask for help to fix my house!! LOL Oh my, will that be a gardening day to see! Should we have it in winter so we can burn all the sticks and leaves from the front garden? Bonfire, miniskip, naked dancing around the flames?? (Ok, so now I am excited already LOL)

Unimaginable
I think my big problem right now is the sense of being in flux. I am used to visualising the future and making it happen, and one of the things I haven't put too much attention into is the home. I'm stable and happy, after all, so why would I? Though I have been demanding an 8 bedroom 4 bathroom house with a granny flat, I've also been allowing myself to anaesthetize myself through CV and FB, and this has to stop. The end result is that I need to start working harder other sources of income, I think. I have started to get paid for writing this year, which is what I wanted in year 4 of my five year plan, but I need to work this a bit harder.

Future Thoughts
I think I have written this out enough that I can feel a bit calmer. I always planned for us to move, but not until the boys were older. We might not even move. There's some research ahead to do, and then I can move forward. No project is insurmountable. I just need to make sure we get what we need when we make decisions and then act upon them. I also needed this wake up call, I think. I know I have been pissing my time away. Time to start work again. :)
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Health
I think I have a tooth abcess. It would explain my constant getting infections, so hopefully once this is rectified there will be no more infections in my body at all! Yay! 

Detox
Yep, day two, still detoxing. I bought some ketostix, and these ones have sugar monitors on them! Awesomefun! I also bought myself a blood sugar monitor but won't be playing with that just yet. No cravings today, and I found it surprisingly easy to switch back into the diet. It's not so much a detox as just the way I intend to eat for the rest of my life, barring special occasions. So, I am using MyFitnessPal for a giggle, and trying to log my food. It involves some random wild guesses, but for the first two days I have eaten around 1400 calories a day. Apparently I need 2200 or something, but even last time when I was logging I noticed I tend to sit naturally at 1400. It is surprising how much food 1400 calories can be. This includes bacon and eggs, coffee with cream, tom kha gai, satay sticks, my V-8, cheese, pork scotch fillet... I couldn't finish my scotch fillet as I was still too full from a late lunch and the V-8 and cheese I ate after my nap. I am also back into the 2 - 3 litres of water a day thing, which leads into...

Crampy crampy
When I drink so much water, my already delicate salts/sodium/electrolyte balance gets even more fucked up. So I have been drinking one V-8 (250mL with a little extra macrobiotic salt) plus taking the magnesium tablets to try and offset the loss through urine. Last night I woke up at 4:45 with MEGACRAMPS down the front of my calves. I did my usual electrolyte drink (1/2 teaspoon macrobiotic salt, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 250 mls water) and had a hot shower, and then I couldn's sleep because I have muscle pains elsewhere... I think now due to the infection in my system to the abcess! What a complex PITA I can be!

Stats
I suppose you all wanna know the goss, right?
Ok then! Weigh day is actually Sunday. I've just been busy!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0


Movies
Saw Hotel Transylvania today. It's a bromance. It was Ok but I didn't like the gender stuff. Sidelining, demeaning, annoying, horrible gender stuff. Other than that it was a pretty standard movie. Definitely a bromance though. It's all about Drac and Johnnie.
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Mmmm

Headache
Still going on. :( Need to see physio(today, yay!) and also stop eating wheat and sugar. It's a crutch right now, and I don't know if I can let go just yet.

Narratives
I have been thinking a lot about narratives and the construction of narratives. We make meaning from the stories in our lives, and narrative flow is as important as real events are. Our brains construct narratives at all times, ways of deepening understanding and learning lessons and seeing the world as a cohesive place. I wonder if the desire for narrative is what gave birth to the original religions, and is what keeps religions going. We all want to be part of a great work, a narrative that is bigger than us and also meaningful. We see smaller narratives in the way we interact with other people and understand feelings and responses to those narratives. Changing those narratives takes so much work, and I want to be sure it's worth the work.

Big Brother
Ooo, I don't like Michael burning Layla's limited edition Burberry bag that was a gift from a friend. Limited. Edition. Gift. Burberry. Wow. I am glad Michael is thoroughly pissed off with himself, I think he deserves it!



callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Gosh it's been a while! I've been putting all of my energies into the house and getting ready for the party, so I haven't been blogging. I have missed you all!

Part-ay!
The NAFF fundraising Wine and Cheese and Corsetry party went really well! We raised $250, plus ate lots of awesome cheeses and drank some lovely wine. Great turn out, and perfect numbers to fit into my little house! Every one dressed up and looked great for the occasion, and I really enjoyed running around and playing hostess. People have told me they had a great time, so I am now tempted to do it all again... Also have made more friends, and deepening relationships at the party too. I had a great time! I have just finished the handwashing and cleanup today LOL

Headache!
I had a migraine last week, and now I seem to still have the same headache across the last few days. Maybe I will go see my physio soon, but it's a mild headache and it's just in the back of my neck/head... I can put this off more...

Wedding!
Went to the most beautiful wedding on Sunday! The bride and groom were both radiant and lovely, and their families also looked so very happy to be there. I was so honoured to be invited! Speeches were very heartfelt and made me cry, and I cried during the ceremony too as every one just looked so happy. Wonderful!

Exhausted!
After finishing at 2ish on Saturday, then 11:30ish on Sunday, I'm dead on my feet! Slept well last night... except for that hour in the middle which was most annoying. Hoping for a good night's sleep today, then I should be most perky. I like being perky.

Friendships
I am putting a lot of energy into new relationships at the moment. This kind of scotches my plans to hide under my rock! Lots of new people around, which is both daunting and invigorating. Have managed to get out of my inner social groups and met more people. It's funny to go from no one and nothing new for so long and then suddenly meet so many new people and have so many new conversations and new ideas. It highlights my willingness to hermit, and I find myself being aware of how much energy I spend where. I'm trying to be  careful to ensure that every one gets what they need from me, and also to ensure I get what I need in return. A bit of a delicate balancing act. :)




callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
NAFF Party
It's coming! It's coming! I am started to get really excited! I have made a list of things to do, and already checked off three of them! Woohoo! Really impressed with that since it's the first day of my period and I am vague/distant/moon-driven to sit quietly and be creative rather than actually clean things. Haven't dared the planning side of things, save that for tomorrow when I will be more alert!

B1 and the Febrile Convulsions
Round fifty seven million? Eh, whatever. So he had a couple last night, and the 2nd one was quite extended. Dr checked him out and found nothing wrong, and write up a referal to a specialist to get him checked out again. Yay?

Little Bit of Racism On The Side
Bit surprised to walk into one of those "they move here, they should learn to speak the language!" kind of discussions. I was so surprised I just sort of stared for a bit. I thik it's unfair to make any sort of comment like that, since we can never know the pressures and reasons for anything, and I know what *I* would do. I can't speak for any one else, and I think it's unfair to make those sorts of general comments when you don't know shit about the topic.

Very Full On Week
Followed by a quiet weekend. WASFF meeting didn't make me want to strangle any one, yay! Got lots of sleep and loves from the kids. I think I'm a bit more refreshed and recharged. Time to take over the world again!

BB
No BB today. I just haven't watched it yet. Yay Ray's gone, can't wait to see the snippests they give him of his time in the house. I bet they saved the bitchiest comments for him. I already feel sorry for Estelle, when she comes out she's going to be so upset about how mean every one was to her, and how often.

Friday
Friday was some dedicated alone time, and it's been a very long time since I put some work into myself. Time to make it a little bit more of a habit, I think. I did a bit of meditation and cleansing and released some old emotions and thoughts, and moved into a more accepting phase of some things in my life. I'm pretty happy with it, thought it's never quite like how you imagine things to be. I also brought in a wand of jasmine, which perfumed the shower and bedroom and even the entire house. It was just beautiful.

Porn and Sex and Stuff Randomly Rambling
Thoughts on Sex, Porn, and I don't know, other random thoughts that people might not wish to know  )

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Random Ramble - The Sunburnt Edition!

Sports Carnival today!
Had a great time! Exhausting though, sitting around talking all day. :) Met the ... i don't know what she is, but she is at the school to counsel kids and I think she works for Communicare or something and Communicare has been given a lot of money to help set up support stuff in our suburb, so she was out and about garnering opinions and stuff. It was... interesting. Most of the people I was hanging out with were a tad fortified for a day of kid sports, and so were pretty chatty but it's funny listening to each of us navigate the past few years of school politics without actually explaining any of it. It's also hard to explain, and there's a certain level of trust required before people will really open up honestly. After all, no one wants to bitch about someone and then have a listener run off to tell the person all about it, now do they? However, what is interesting for me is that they are looking for volunteers to run stuff, ie cooking classes and budgeting classes and so forth, and I am thinking this might be a useful vehicle for me to practice running that sort of thing, writing the plans and documentation and do some IRL work for Saucy Sarahs. However then she started staring into my eyes and talking about the new steering committee they are developing and how that needs volunteers too and... GAH. Who's NOT looking for volunteers, lady? Every one wants people to work for free right now. I also don't think I am a representative of the local demographic, so why would listening to my needs be of use to any one?

Plans
Such a beautiful day today. Really did enjoy the weather and the chatting all day. Just a lovely way to spend the day. So, I am working on ideas for the school holidays, and much planning has been accomplished. Hoping to pack in 2 movies, 2 picnics, a trip to the pool and a trip to the beach into it. Plus it's clothes and shoes audit time. Yay? Lucky us? *sigh* Anyway, here's a special kind of link for geeks out there thinking about going on picnics. :D

Articles
Haven't heard yet so I am still hopeful. Fingers crossed! 

Jurien Bay Fishing
If you're in Jurien Bay and would like to go fishing, here's a link to some friends of mine that way setting up their own business. Good luck to them!

Time to go watch BB!
:)



callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Hmmm, having a little trouble focusing today. Maybe it's a motivational problem! I drank all my coffee and I hadn't even started today's ramble! 

CHEESE WINE AND CORSETRY NAFF FUNDRAISING PARTY!
It's coming! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! So, time to do some planning and some buying and some writing things down and OMG it's coming! I need to choose what corset to wear! What skirt, what outfit, what bra! Hope you're all coming, it's only a week and a couple of days away! Tell me what cheese you want me to get, and what cheesey accoutrements??

AFP, Money, and Musicians
To start with, OMG what awesome eyebrows she has in this pic! Ok, now that's out of the way I can see this issue is very much a point of view issue. (Short version for those who don't want to click the link is that AFP has put out the word that on her up and coming tour, she would like any professional-ish horns and strings to play with them for for love and hugs. Or publicity.) The issue is one that is a judgement call, really. She's a performer, she can do what she likes, but of course any one can comment and bring their own issues to the party. It is unfair that she's asking people to perform for free, but that's life. No one said anything was fair! And if they did, they were trying to sell you something! But it does kind of ring bells about how writers are often expected to work for free too, and the little FB meme going around where a musician is asked to work for publicity by a resturaunt and their response was to ask would the chef would come out to work in his kitchen for a dinner party for publicity, so why would they? I already work for free here, and I'm pretty happy to be paid in comments and chatter, but at some point I really need to start earning an income. I'd probably consider doing the AFP style thing for free if it was fun, or people I liked and admired, or maybe some huge step forwards that was obvious and useful. AFP seems to me like an indie musician who is neither big enough for it to be a massive boost for any one, nor small enough for this sort of issue to just fall off the radar, so I wonder if there's a bit of "Oooo, let's pick on the famous person since she won at Kickstarter, is married to another famous person and is an easy target." On the other hand, though,. it would be hard to cherish and love each individual band and/or musician who put in the effort and love and time and training to be a part of this, since she needs a new group for every city. It's a bit ballsy to ask for this for every city. It kind of changes the tone of "this is fun, we'll jam and make art" to "I need some suckers to do the work for me." 

Food
Still less than enthused about it. Can't wait to get my tastebuds back properly! At a good chunk of normal chocolate last night, with sugar and crap in it, and enjoyed it too LOL even though there was a constant rain of tiny chocolate shards whenever leachim broke more chocolate off the block. I rather liked it, I thought it was sweet. (Geddit? Geddit? Sweet? As in, the chocolate was sweet? And so was leachim breaking chocolate over me? Geddit?? ..... Remember, not only do I ramble, but I have a terrible sense of humour... LOL) Hee, the main reason I started this section was that I was reading an article linked to by tikiwanderer about deliveries of fruit and veg boxes, and in the article they say they liked getting weird stuff and then having to google "Yotam Ottolenghi + (insert vegetable here)" Now, despite the millions of jokes I could make about that phrase, what really struck me was WTF was a Yotam Ottolenghi when it was home, and wouldn't you just google words you could remember? Like "parsnip recipe" or "turnip delight recipe" or something much less complex. It turns out Yotam is a chef, so I guess he has recipes that must be pretty stunning. I'd misspell a name like that every time I tried! I guess Mozilla/Google's pre-typed search window terms would mean you'd only need to get as far as YOT though. Whatever.

Boy am I rambly today!

Programming
cheshirenoir sent me a link to a kid's programming language! I might try and learn it along with the kids. It might be good for a giggle LOL

Printable Blog Planner
I have had this link open for so long it's got dust on it. Metaphorical dust of course, but I am sure you know what I mean! So anyway, it's a free printable blog planner for creatives. Like me. Hmmm. i have had it open for ages because I haven't had time to sit down and think about how I would want this planner to work for me. I think I will just have to print out one page of everything and then see how it all fits together and then figure out the binding stuff at the end. Just one more project to chuck on the pile.

OMG it's Sport Carnival at the school!
And OMG this means school holidays is not far away! Eeep! *hides under a rock* We should organize some meets peeps. preferably somewhere no other parents in Perth know about. Yeah, like that's going to happen. We should go to Belmont Volcano park and stake out some section for Swancon peeps. We'd probably need to get there at about 6am though :( B1 has his sports day all day tomorrow, so I shall be outside in the sun, enjoying the weather and eating terrible food and drinking bad coffee. B2's sports day is today, from 2 - 3 this afternoon, and should be just gorgeous. Hope it warms up a bit though, it's cold enough this morning that my fingers are a bit stiff. As evidenced by my obvious problems typing...

Articles
I have been having some awesome fun writing corsetry articles. I am stiffening my spine today, or is that swallowing my writerly anxieties and sending in the first two to see if what I have written is what they want. I have another 18 titles to write, and at the moment each one is taking about an hour, but I expect I will get quicker as I practice the writing of articles. I did the Jeff Goins blogging course, and that was seriously good, and I really enjoying using his system to write. It's the system I am hoping to work with for the Saucy Sarah blog, and to hopefully keep things interesting and have people come back time and time again. If the articles don't sell, then I might just stick them up on SS anyway. I haven't put any energy into SS since before I got sick. I am looking forward to when I am well enough to do ALL the things! Maybe this afternoon..

Anthology
Also, don't forget you can buy my story for just $5.99 USD and you get a whole bunch of related stories with it! I can promise that it's very silly and lots of fun!

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Ooo, a late one today! It's been busy, and in an awesome way!

Corsets
A friend mentioned a friend who works for a certain company who might be interested (could I put any more hedging into a sentence?) in some blog articles on corsetry, so I have been in a whirlwind of enthusiasm writing writing writing! Yay! I workshopped some ideas today, and then wrote two suitable articles, and i shall wrte a couple more and then see if they're what the friend of a friend is looking for. So excited! I knew I was pretty passionate about corsetry, but it turns out I am REALLY passionate about corsetry! 

Big Brother
They all seem to be having fun still. I enjoyed the jungle documentary they are playing with, and they seem to be having a great time with it. Michael as the lion is funny, and his lionesses make ma laugh too. Ray the ever popular hyena gets to eat ALL THE THINGS!

Question!
Would you describe me as curious or impatient?

Health
Throat is only a tiny bit swollen. Teensy tiny bit. *crosses fingers* however I walked to school and back and didn't need to lie down, so yay! Things are improving! Plus I had enough energy to do creative writing stuff, which actually takes a surprising amount. I forgot today was an early pickup for the kids, and bought an icecream to sit in the sun and eat while reading the new cake decorating magazine. Driving past the school I noticed an awful lot of cars ... oops! Ate the icecream in the carpark while reading the magazine... close enough! It's just such a gorgeous day today! The icecream means today is NOT the first day of a healthier eating plan LOL I will probably start on Monday. I'm still firming up my ideas on this.

Lawyers
Finally contacted lawyers about car accident. I was kind of avoiding that and getting stressy every time I remembered. And now it is done! Just hoping it will all be over soon. I don't want to think about this any more.

Playdate and OMG SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!

Kids had a bonus playdate today, plus I came home after the playdate and finished adding some expert advice (Thanks Kundra!) to my corset article. Gosh I feel productive! Oh and I realised school holidays must be coming up... only a few weeks away. I should maybe thinking about possibly having a plan or something. Now why would I do that??




callistra: Captain Jack Harkness with the caption 'Brace Yourself' (jack brace yourself)
Oh my gosh! I missed yesterday's Ramble! To try and make up for it, I am writing today's Ramble with my full attention, ie, I'm not watching BB while I write... which means it will be longer and ramblier! How awesome! lucky are you!! great!

Monday Night Crew
I fucking NAILED that standing rib roast! OMG it was so divine! I have always had terrible luck with roast beef. I don't seem to be able to get the roasts to the right sort of done-ness for the quality, so I gave up on roast beef years ago. This was am $80 cut of meat, and I followed the instructions pretty well LOL and let it rest for half the cooking time and it just melted in the mouth. Oh my. I wanted to spoil every one a little, so we had antipasto, slowcooked smokey garlic beef ribs, sorbet, standing rib roast with asparagus in butter, cheeses and chocolate, and then icecream. Plus a couple of bottles of lovely wine. It was perfect! Well... I still would have preferred prawn cocktails for the entree LOL

Big Brother
Wow are they a bitchy bunch! So many mean things said. I feel a little bit sorry for Estelle, since every one seems to be hacking on her. I don't feel too sorry though, since it's all a construct of what BB wants to show us of what's going on in the house. I am wondering how the Resent Ray campaign is going, now that every thing is back to normal, do any of the housemates still have a vague resentment against him.

Health
Yay, it's not number one any more! Woo! So my throat still feels a little swollen, and I'm still doing the ABs but I am feeling pretty good. Had tired moments yesterday that I wasn't expecting, but that's life. :) I am thinking of joining the Primal Blueprint 21 Day Challenge, since it's about time I cleaned up my act. Yesterday we ate lollies. Today, Jack is still feral. *sigh* My own fault. :) I had the urge to go to the gym again because I have started my gymnastic programme... hahahahaha

Meme!
So I hope you're all putting your name on the meme thing! I am going to answer some of them and read others while I watch BB this morning. Yay BB! Yay memes! I should go through my archive and look for some of the old ones that were cool and kick them off again.

Food
So, votes on doing my food diary here? Or should I stick with my old one over on A Pinch Of Health? Thoughts, people, thoughts???

Plans
Having trouble sorting out my social life LOL I am trying to sort out what I want/need from this week *and* next week, but there's just too much stuff on and also, I don't know if I will get peopled out on a certain day or time or GAH *dies* I shall hide under my rock instead, perhaps, it's all too hard. :) Someone else can make decisions for a bit.

Castleville Thoughts
OHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD THE ZYNGA INTERFACE IS A GIANT PYRAMID SCHEME!!!!

Zynga have set up their own interface outside but linked into Facebook. If you log into the Zynga interface, you can help other people by clicking on their "please give me stuff" links, and they can click on yours. This is an interesting step up from Facebook, where we post to our walls and our friends can click on those links (or whine about them, whatevs) as you suddenly have access to an unlimited pool of people who are all awake at the same time as I am, playing the same game. The feed streams constantly, and every time I help someone, I also get one of that item.

The big thing that I am looking at is a helpful little window that pops up and says "You have helped 150 people! Friend them all?" with a giant OK button. Um. Why... er... sure...? And suddenly I have 350ish people accepting my friend request on Zynga, who I don't have to actually interact with, and who aren't my FB friends (and hence less whining...) and suddenly it's so much easier to ask 100 people for an item, the next hundred for something else, 50 people for ... etc etc etc. And then during the day I get literally hundreds of items sent back to me as the gift exchanged continue.

I accepted 89 requests this morning after the initial 30 something and then accepted friend requests from a couple of people and then I realised... it's a pyramid scheme based on the reciprocal gifting FB has trained us to do. My empire grows everytime I friend more people... as does theirs.

Hmm, I am not longer sure that pyramid is the right shape for this story... but the amount of crap I receive daily is expanding at a phenomal rate. Which also brings me into the bottle necks designed into the game to keep us on our toes and provide some level of difficulty...

Which I will talk about later. But oh my gosh, wow. GIANT PYRAMID SCHEME. Hmm, maybe it's more like a chain letter? But wow, I was pretty impressed when I thought of the way the scope has changed from just my FB friends to randoms across the world. There's no real sense of friendship, kinship or relationship. We just play the same game, and it seems that it's enough. Maybe I need a t-shirt that says "I clicked on your damn gift request, that's enough social interaction for today!

Corsets
It turns out the pretty blue one  (that I swear was going to be the last!) was sold out in my size. *sigh* Ah well, there's always a new corset somewhere that needs buying. That's blue. And that one will be my last... for a while at least!

Have a great day, peeps!

Oh, and bonus links. I want this. Or this.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Health
Yeah, it's up here again. I seem to be getting some low level infections, which are VERY uncomfortable and annoying. Anyway, since starting this post, the entire day has passed and I have been to the doctor. He thinks it's a kidney infection, so he's given me trimethoprim. My throat is still sore/horrible and I forgot to gargle this morning, so I think it's a touch worse than it was. Apparently my tonsils are a bit enlarged. Gosh.

Phoning It In
Another really quick post today. I have been so busy, I just haven't had time to sit down and think. I have been processing a lot of stuff from all the meetings I have been having, and needing some downtime to cope. I cancelled going to the gym mostly because I just didn't want to talk for 45 minutes while on a treadmill. I could have seen Mel with a coffee, perhaps, but knowing how mentally exhausted I am, I wanted to keep my energy for lunch with Willowgypsy. And of course the doorbell rang! Dammit! :) It was Mum!

And Then She Asked...
We had a really lovely coffee, lots of laughter and I let her harrangue me about the thing she wanted to harrangue me about and then she asked if I had found out what I had said to leahcim when I rang him, and so I told her - I had been going on about how my Mum made me who I was and then Mum stole the phone or I gave it to her and she said if he ever hurt me she was going to kill him! She was mortified and said she would never be able to look him in the eye again! LOL!  I told her he thought it was sweet, and she laughed and seemed a bit less embarrassed.

Circles and Circles
I have been thinking again of drawing up my relationship diagram. Mine would be concentric rings, showing the mix of mental/physical closeness I share with my friends/family. It just seems like it might be a fun idea.

Lines and Lines and Lines and Lines!
Despite the mental exhaustion and anxieties, I have had some really lovely quality chats with some friends over the last few days. I have enjoyed all of them, and also enjoyed getting out of the house! It's so very easy for me to get so over busy that I forget everything else, and I've not been concentrating on my house (it's a mess) or my health as best I could. But I still wouldn't change anything for the world right now.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Health
The sore throat is still here. Trying to handle it with mouth wash etc. I am peopled out, to the point where I'm anxious and overwhelmed, and not looking forward to the train trip this afternoon. Hoping to hide under a rock tonight and will feel better soon. I have eaten something, despite the fact I don't want to, and hoping the food will help me feel less anxious.

Pubmeet
Had a lovely time at the pubmeet last night, but it was pretty huge. Lots of people there. I had moments of exhaustion coupled with moments of hyperness, picked up from every one else. Had some nice bloody marys. It was fun though, and hoping to go more often in future.

Big Brother
Playing chess by committee is a baaaaaad idea.
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Good god, what is it with today?

Health
Don't tell any one. I have a sore throat. :(

Facebook
Dear gods, not *that* discussion again. I know people mean well, but seriously, do they think before they spout the whole "if women were more aware of their surroundings and wore decent clothes, they'd get raped less!" REALLY? I don't know any one who doesn't already do their best to keep their heads above water in rape culture. From holding your keys in your hand when walking to your car (so you can fight back better) through to any number of miniscule ways, does he REALLY think that what we wear and where we go makes that much difference? Especially when a comment or two before he completely agrees that most rapes are by acquaintances? I've asked him to stop this line of discussion, or else go away and learn more before he continues it. I hope that's enough. I don't want to delete or shut down the whole discussion as my friends have done a very good job at poking holes in his points, but this is making my Flist a little bit unsafe, which I don't like. I know a lot of my friends have different ideas and thoughts to me (which is why they are my friends!) but the one thing I need from every one is the ability to either actively listen, or just not engage. I hope he doesn't get cranky at me about it, but tough. I do wonder if I've waited too long before I said anything, but every one else seemed to be handling the discussion well. I also wanted to point out that it's not my or my friends' jobs to educate him about this sort of thing, and that there's heaps of resources on the net if he wants to try and figure out why we're arguing with him, but I didn't. Can only say so much on FB after all.

Livejournal
I got an interesting comment on my Random Ramble the other day. Here it is:

I don't understand why people are sending you *hugs*. You drank to excess while responsible for children. Even worse, your mother put them in the bath while she too was heavily under the influence. What if your children had suddenly become ill - or even worse. You are an adult - your problems don't matter when you have children. That's just how it is.

Well, that's true. That is just how it is. However, I expect my friends are sending me hugs because my post was more about my feelings about unexpectedly losing control. Also, I think most of my friends are aware of my control freak nature, and know that when I do usually lose control, it's in a carefully controlled situation! I am feeling unsettled and surprised and uncomfortable with what happened. That is why they are sending me hugs.

Your comments are changing the focus of my post from me to my kids, and that's OK. If you're really that worried, Dad wasn't drinking and was there with me and Mum the whole day, and my husband was also there for most of it, and he was drinking much much much less. (He had about 2 glasses of champagne, and then stopped.) Not that it's any of your business though I thank you for your concern.

Also, my problems aren't your concern either, this is my blog. It's biased, one sided, self absorbed, and mine. If my children suddenly become ill, then depending on the nature of the problem, we will respond as we see fit. Dad is more than capable of making decisions when Mum is unwell, and all the other adults in our life are also more than capable of ensuring I, and my children, survive their childhood.

Also, I sometimes need to experience something before I actually learn from it. I don't know why you think the words "I have never had a three hour black out before" equates to "I totally drink to excess all the time and I blacked out once again for a solid three hour block!" but I hope my response has answered all your concerns.



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callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
callistra

April 2015

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