Oct. 10th, 2012

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I am processing a lot of stuff right now, and the song that's helping me through is this one:

I have had it on repeat for two days now!

Tooth has stopped hurting. I must not use this as an excuse to put off the dentists though. I really don't want to go. I don't need another 2 weeks of pain, drugs, and unwellness. Not right now. Eating has been good though, I am really happy with how my habits have just snapped back into place. Successfully navigated Han's Cafe yesterday. The meal was not the best of experiences, but the tom kha was meh but noodle free, and the satays were meh but once again carb free.

Running on Quicksand
I feel like I am running as hard as I can but there's somethng that just keeps sucking at my feet, making my work invisible or useless, and I never quite know what's going on under the sand. It's annoying and it's there and it's not going away and I an't slow down but I can't get any faster either. And it shifts; sometimes it's a hill or a mountain, sometimes I am running up or sometimes I am running down. This month sucks. I am totes ready for it to be over with. There's some pretty major discussion about life decisions going on around here. And changing the side of the bed has taken away something that often makes me feel better - comfort. I'm not sleeping well, there's all this emo stuff coming up, and it's coming from every one. I just sat on the bed for an hour this morning staring out the window and thinking, processing away. The big thing from last night is that John and I need to consider moving.

This scares me.

It scares me on the scale of the project. It scares me on the scale of the potential mortgage. It scares me because there's no right or wrong decision, there is only a decision, and we hold in our hands our kids' lives. The size of getting this house ready to sell actually terrifies me. The money we're going to need to spend to make it sellable to other people frightens me. The changes in our lives to do this frightens me. It frightens me because I might have to get a job, and then try to juggle everything I have, plus work. I don't want to give up anything. I don't want to give up the kid's after hours times, I don't want to give up my loves, I don't want to give up writing or Saucy Sarahs... and I cried last night, thinking of the guilt I will feel if there's no parent at home when the kids get home from school. No warm house. No one to say "Hi, how was your day?" And obviously this is a big thing for me because I am crying again!

I have been spending a lot of energy on relationships around me lately, but oddly enough, not as much as I have previously. The fact my changes in eating plan are working is an awesome sign that I have *enough* right now to begin working again on my health issues, which means my resevoir must be, if not filled, at least at a comfortable level. There's going to be some drastic changes next year with people possibly moving away ...  ok, not so possibly moving away. Of my inner circle, pretty much every one except two people will be in new cities if things go well for them. yay them! But this does also mean my inner circle recharging is going to be ... hard. I draw on my inner circle for comfort and love and I'm so very happy that there's so much potential for them, but I am also aware that the next year will be very different for me and my home, and that the year after that my life is currently unimaginable.

Also, you can't all leave before I ask for help to fix my house!! LOL Oh my, will that be a gardening day to see! Should we have it in winter so we can burn all the sticks and leaves from the front garden? Bonfire, miniskip, naked dancing around the flames?? (Ok, so now I am excited already LOL)

I think my big problem right now is the sense of being in flux. I am used to visualising the future and making it happen, and one of the things I haven't put too much attention into is the home. I'm stable and happy, after all, so why would I? Though I have been demanding an 8 bedroom 4 bathroom house with a granny flat, I've also been allowing myself to anaesthetize myself through CV and FB, and this has to stop. The end result is that I need to start working harder other sources of income, I think. I have started to get paid for writing this year, which is what I wanted in year 4 of my five year plan, but I need to work this a bit harder.

Future Thoughts
I think I have written this out enough that I can feel a bit calmer. I always planned for us to move, but not until the boys were older. We might not even move. There's some research ahead to do, and then I can move forward. No project is insurmountable. I just need to make sure we get what we need when we make decisions and then act upon them. I also needed this wake up call, I think. I know I have been pissing my time away. Time to start work again. :)


callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)

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