Breast Feeding

[callistra]

The worst thing at the moment is not knowing what is going on. Sometimes, I try and make myself lactate a little, just to make sure I am still producing *something*. he keeps screaming when I try to feed him, and usually he is happy to take the top ups the doc recommend. It makes me feel low, because I feel mean making him scream and cry for all that time while I try and breast feed. I know, that sometime last night we had a perfect, 15 minutes on each side, sucking continuously, quiet and happy feed. But at the moment, I can't remember what it was like, and it makes me cry. We're sleep depriced, last night I got home late because of a scrapbooking thing, and couldn't sleep, so I got up and had a hot shower and then went and cleaned up the kitchen and then pawed through my packets (half asian, half maggi) to think about what I could cook for today. Then, at 4, we had the next feed - that must have been the good one. Half an hour, did not want any top up. I then spend the next half an hour in the kitchen with john making up little bottles to cover today. We're still getting the hang of this formula thing.
:-(
I have to go - I am sure he is hungry. I don't like the self doubt - is he crying because he is hungry? So I try to feed him, and he screams more. But is that because he doesn't want the breast, but does want formula? Why doesn't he feed like he used to? Why has it suddenly become too hard/not interesting/not wanted? I feel sad because he is crying and feel sad because he doesn't want me any more.
:-(
But he just doesn't seem to want it. He had so little from me sometimes last night that I felt engorged for the first time since in hospital.