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I think for a true, honest connection to flourish a lot of factors need to be taken into consideration.
- safe space
- engagement
- forgiveness
To begin with, as always, I think I need to explain safe spaces. YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IN A SAFE SPACE. A safe space is not a protected space. In fact, a safe space is often uncomfortable, challenging, and hard work. It's a space in which you are free to be entirely yourself - but also every part of yourself is open for discussion.
A safe space is something developed between two or more people. You can have a safe space for one, but that's called introspection and self analysis. A safe space is a construction, built over time, in which people develop a trust with one another within which they can explore parts of themselves they like, dislike, or are afraid of. A safe space is a sacred trust. In a safe space, you will be challenged, upset, offended, but you can feel safe that your reactions will be engaged with, explored, valued, and the person with you will HELP you to regain your inner balance.
The space in which you are most free is sometimes also the space in which you are most confined. When you know the rules, and trust the rules will be upheld, then subconscious parts of ourselves can be allowed free reign, or even to be reigned in.
I can not stress enough the importance of trust. I think this will have to be another post though! It's a very big topic. If you can't trust the rules are going to be upheld, even if difficult situations, then you don't have a safe space. If the rules you and your safe space spartner develop between you are broken, then one party will be unsafe, and will not want to be fully honest. They may be hurting, and unsure what to do. If trust is broken, it needs to be rebuilt to form a NEW safe space. The old one is gone, and a new safe space will have to be developed.
Also, you need to trust yourself. That you can listen, and absorb, and ask intelligent questions, and not allow your primary, thoughtless thoughts, take precedence over your rational thought.
A part of safe spaces, and the way to develop a safe space, is engagement. Engagement means a steady back and forth, a dialectic. Both parties are listeners and speakers in this system. Questions are raised, points are noted, and a check and balance system is in effect. This is crucial for me. I need my connections to be a constant, ever evolving dalogue that can happen across months, days, hours, whatever but it has to happen.
I'm working on engaging more with the kids this week. I've been sick and self absorbed, and done the basic level of parenting I could get away with, but now I am feeling better and more engaged with the whole world, I can be more engaged with my kids. Questioning them, doing things together that involve give and take and discussion and smiles and safety and fear. I want them to feel confident that even when scared they will be OK - and that is something I get from safe spaces.
I have had conversations that frighten me. I have had chats that terrified me. And I have had safe spaces that went horribly, dreadfully wrong, for me, and for others.
So I guess the last leg of the connection has to be forgiveness. I didn't realise this until I wrote this post. I have to forgive myself when I stuff up. They have to forgive me when I stuff up. I have to forgive them when they stuff up. And they have to forgive themselves when they do too.
I'll tell you now - it's a lot easier for me to forgive other people anything. Forgiving myself, however, is a much harder task. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness is learning and growth. Forgetting is casting aside the lesson, only to repeat the problem again and again. I don't want to forget.
But a part of being prepared to forgive is an awareness that we're just human, groping around in the dark and hoping for something shiny, whether it be love, sex, desire, technology, spirituality, faith, belief, greater causes... and part of being human is walking around with one foot in your mouth.
I had cherish in the list above, but I think I covered cherishing in my previous post. I see cherishing as akin to polishing something, looking upon something fondly and with love, and valuing the existance of that item within the framework of my life. I think cherish is my new word, one for me to play with and examine in greater context as I work my way through these thoughts.
I cherish all of you, reading along with me, I cherish the fact you care about me, and my time, and my words. I cherish your existance in my life, the awesome discussions and the different points of view, and the fact I have so many people around me that can help me to be more than what I am. I hope that others out there feel the same way about me.
*loves*
- safe space
- engagement
- forgiveness
To begin with, as always, I think I need to explain safe spaces. YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IN A SAFE SPACE. A safe space is not a protected space. In fact, a safe space is often uncomfortable, challenging, and hard work. It's a space in which you are free to be entirely yourself - but also every part of yourself is open for discussion.
A safe space is something developed between two or more people. You can have a safe space for one, but that's called introspection and self analysis. A safe space is a construction, built over time, in which people develop a trust with one another within which they can explore parts of themselves they like, dislike, or are afraid of. A safe space is a sacred trust. In a safe space, you will be challenged, upset, offended, but you can feel safe that your reactions will be engaged with, explored, valued, and the person with you will HELP you to regain your inner balance.
The space in which you are most free is sometimes also the space in which you are most confined. When you know the rules, and trust the rules will be upheld, then subconscious parts of ourselves can be allowed free reign, or even to be reigned in.
I can not stress enough the importance of trust. I think this will have to be another post though! It's a very big topic. If you can't trust the rules are going to be upheld, even if difficult situations, then you don't have a safe space. If the rules you and your safe space spartner develop between you are broken, then one party will be unsafe, and will not want to be fully honest. They may be hurting, and unsure what to do. If trust is broken, it needs to be rebuilt to form a NEW safe space. The old one is gone, and a new safe space will have to be developed.
Also, you need to trust yourself. That you can listen, and absorb, and ask intelligent questions, and not allow your primary, thoughtless thoughts, take precedence over your rational thought.
A part of safe spaces, and the way to develop a safe space, is engagement. Engagement means a steady back and forth, a dialectic. Both parties are listeners and speakers in this system. Questions are raised, points are noted, and a check and balance system is in effect. This is crucial for me. I need my connections to be a constant, ever evolving dalogue that can happen across months, days, hours, whatever but it has to happen.
I'm working on engaging more with the kids this week. I've been sick and self absorbed, and done the basic level of parenting I could get away with, but now I am feeling better and more engaged with the whole world, I can be more engaged with my kids. Questioning them, doing things together that involve give and take and discussion and smiles and safety and fear. I want them to feel confident that even when scared they will be OK - and that is something I get from safe spaces.
I have had conversations that frighten me. I have had chats that terrified me. And I have had safe spaces that went horribly, dreadfully wrong, for me, and for others.
So I guess the last leg of the connection has to be forgiveness. I didn't realise this until I wrote this post. I have to forgive myself when I stuff up. They have to forgive me when I stuff up. I have to forgive them when they stuff up. And they have to forgive themselves when they do too.
I'll tell you now - it's a lot easier for me to forgive other people anything. Forgiving myself, however, is a much harder task. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness is learning and growth. Forgetting is casting aside the lesson, only to repeat the problem again and again. I don't want to forget.
But a part of being prepared to forgive is an awareness that we're just human, groping around in the dark and hoping for something shiny, whether it be love, sex, desire, technology, spirituality, faith, belief, greater causes... and part of being human is walking around with one foot in your mouth.
I had cherish in the list above, but I think I covered cherishing in my previous post. I see cherishing as akin to polishing something, looking upon something fondly and with love, and valuing the existance of that item within the framework of my life. I think cherish is my new word, one for me to play with and examine in greater context as I work my way through these thoughts.
I cherish all of you, reading along with me, I cherish the fact you care about me, and my time, and my words. I cherish your existance in my life, the awesome discussions and the different points of view, and the fact I have so many people around me that can help me to be more than what I am. I hope that others out there feel the same way about me.
*loves*
