callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Randomly Rambling on a Saturday! Gosh, what will happen next? Masterplan: sort out health this month, Nanowrimo next month, Christmas the month after... dear gods.

So, it's time to clean up my act. I have been thinking on this for days, and I have been thinking about attack plans and preparation. I like a low carb, whole food kind of approach, as I am sure most people must know by now. :) So first, some thoughts. I have to be mentally ready, and part of this means not eating my feelings any more, being more in control when I am out and feeling good, and also being aware of my traps.

Anxiety and Eating My Feelings.
I have been very up and down mentally lately, with a whole slew of things draining my mental energy and distracting me from life in general. One of those things has been a huge rift between my Mum and I, which left me devastated but also left me feeling quite under seige in my own home. Things are starting to work out, but I've been feeling anxious and upset and miserable for most of a week, which has been annoying to say the least. Plus there was a miscommunication with a loved one, and some other general anxious moments. But as someone pointed out, I have had my three and everything should be fine from now on. 

I need to figure out a way to not eat my feelings any more. I have to re-pattern my comforts. :( This is the hardest part, I think, of trying to make this a permanent change. When I am upset of course I am going to reach for something to distract me or make me feel better. So how am I going to change this? What are my options? I can ring people, I guess. Ju might get tired of the sound of my voice, but there are other people I can go to for comfort. I guess. I'm still learning how to do that and not get hurt. I don't think it's been so successful yet. Also, I am planning on divorcing Castleville. How many addictions can I tackle in a week? Suggestions will be welcome!

Going Out and Feeling Good
I have been making bad food choices when I have been out and enjoying myself, and food is often a key part of self care and morale. I need to be more conscious of my choices, and frame the decisions as more 'enjoyment is also choosing healthy food for myself' and 'self care is ensure I make choices based on health rather than desire.' There's always options I can choose if I look hard enough, and treats of quality rather than quantity should be the idea. 

Don't Go Near That Trapdoor!
Oh dear gods the traps! My weaknesses... Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. *cries* Chiko Rolls. *cries* Noodles *cries* (though rice noodles do less damage to me wheat noodles do and I usually choose rice noodles these days.) Crusts of freshly baked bread. *cries* Take away. (No crying here, I hate takeaway but sometimes the efficiency in procurement means we get it.)

So. If I buy or any one gives me Buttercups, I shall.... um, stash them somewhere and use them as rewards? Except I want to get away from the rewards as food thing in my head.  Ask John to stash them somewhere? Eat them all in one go and then be happy? Save it for the cheat meal? Ooo, I like that idea. I shall save them for the cheat meal. Delayed gratification should be fine. The Buttercups don't have much or any wheat in them, the only problem with them is the sugar. So on the scale of bad things, it's bad on the sugar side but not the wheat side.

So. If I am out of the house and need to eat something, I shall... Try and make better choices about food. Less processed food, wheat free food, good, healthy food. Options include carrying a tin of tuna with me at all times (yuck but I usually don't need to snack after a while anyway, and it's OK with salads), buying water, or perhaps considering liquid meals, such as a fruit or vegie smoothie thing. That would also fall in line with the less wheat angle, and the processing angle isn't too bad, it's more the additives that come with processing that's the problem in other foods I am worried about. Restaurants often have salads, or lumps of meat with salads, and I can ask them to hold the potatoes/chips/whatever.

What I can do in the house to make sure my needs are met and my detoxing from carbs is successful.
- when I have the urge to snack, I can eat cheese, boiled eggs, tuna, drink water, have a coffee
- I will make sure my water bottle gets filled regularly as I know I drink it when I fill it
- Make sure there is cooked chicken or meatballs or protein foods handy
- make sure there is always salad ingredients handy
- if I am out of the house and at someone else's house and I am desperate, fruit is usually available and is wheat free and not processed
- I will buy a half a cow
- I will buy 12 kilos of chicken legs asap
- I will do a final edit of my shopping list to get rid of any processed foods that have snuck into my list.
- Breakfast ideas can include a boiled egg and V-8 if I can't stand bacon and eggs any more.
- No tomato sauce
- no packaged bernaise
- One week's chicken cooked and in the freezer at all times
- One cheat meal a week, or less.

Final Notes
I will start on Monday I guess. I am going to get my monthly shop delivered on Monday, and I have no idea what food is already in the house. I was a bit out of it when I did last month's shop, so I bought heaps of condiments and a couple of packaged stuff. I am more alert this month, so I will go over it and make sure I get rid of the stuff that might be tempting to me. We need to do a weigh in as I found that not weighing in did not help me at all when I tried to clean up during August or whenever it was that I got so sick I ended up on 2 types of antibiotics.. I am looking forward to having everything under comtrol again. I can't believe how often we eat when we're eating crap. I can't wait to stop snacking, and I can't wait to stop feeling cramped and bloated in the tummy when I know I can fix that. Maybe I should just take measurements rather than weigh in. Also, once the initial week or two is over, I will be going back to the gym. Yay gym! Firm decision required - weigh ins plus measurements I think.

Suggestions or comments welcome but I reserve the right to ignore any trolling or unhelpful comments.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Ok, so I managed to avoid inviting the whole class. And I also managed to avoid going to the bowling alley. (Would have required the staff to appear and talk to me during the 15 minutes I wandered folornly around their open venue.) And I forgot to get the giant blow up bowling ball etc, not that I am terribly upset about that.

And allwas good with the world. And then I had a phone call. M and R were coming to the party (twins) and I made mention of the after party BBQ and their parent said "Cool, do you want me to bring anything?" and I was like 'Nah, it should be fine.." and anyway, end result I eventually said 'meat.'

I felt like I lost some of her confidence in me as I hemmed and hawed. I had everything sorted for goodness sake. I doubt I have let any one leave here hungry before. But this isn't the focus of my post.

The focus of my post is the feeling of "oh dear gods, now I have to do a good job of a kids party. There's outsiders coming. I have to get softdrink and more party food and make sure there's a new candle OMG this sucks" which was certainly an unusual series of thoughts for me. But every one else is already trained to how I work. I don't think any of you expect me to have softdrinks anymore. It's just something I always forget! (Which reminds me, I have wine ready for mulling! Yay!) Plus I drink water! Or booze! And I got lots of junk food. I did buy the softdrink.  And I had to buy meat. I was planning on buying meat, but now I had to make sure it was delicious meat. :) So there's chicken wings marinating, rump steak marinating, and chicken legs to be roasted. Plus I had to buy extra salad ingredients to up the level a little. I was just going to make every one eat bread, but now there's strangers coming so I'm making 2 salads. I also bought ice and wood, too.

This is amusing me even as I see it as a bit of social anxiety. I don't have much luck making friends in my own suburb. I just hope this goes well. :)
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I have been so busy lately that I have been jumping around all over the place in Biggest Loser, trying to not watch everything and yet stay in the loop (but seriously, wtf happened to Lydia?) and so last night I managed to catch a couple of eps. They're now in Switzerland, tramping through the snow and having a fabulous, fit and energetic time. It looks awesome, and has made me wonder if I should go throw myself off a cliff for my 40th in a couple of years. Or out of an aeroplane. They both look like fun, and I'd have to be a certain size to do it. Multiple goals covered at once!

But this post is actually about their walk back in time episode. They set up a 4 km walk with a series of gates on it, 13 to be precise, one gate for each week of their weightloss journey with Biggest Loser. So in addition to walking through the snow, they would then come to their gate, and the weight they lost for that week would be added to their backpack, all the way through to the last gate where they have to carry their original weights to the finish line.

Some of these people have lost 50 plus kilos. Can you imagine how heavy that would be? And not just in the physical weight - the emotional resonance for each of those losses and weighins would be a killer. I cried. They cried. Every one cried, and it was really interesting to consider doing this sort of thing for myself.

I sometimes watch Biggest Loser and wish *I* had someone to fly me around the world to make a point about how much my body has changed. Instead, I get to cry in a change room stall while Ju pats me on theb ack and hands me another sized top I thought I would never fit into. I wish *I* had someone to give me an expensive haircut and make over and show me how beautiful I am (though to be honest, I don't think I have any problems in that arena, I think I just like being primped and preened over) and I wish I had someone who could show me how much my face and body have changed as I continue to lose weight.

Of course, people also don't notice. I have a friend who lost 20 odd kilos, and no one even noticed. Shethinks it's because it was a gradual loss, but I am thinking it's also because people just don't actually look at other people. They sort of look into the other person's eyes occasionally and then wait for their turn to speak. Or else they just don't register the physical form so much - it's not their bodies they are engaging with, it's the mind and the conversation is so absorbing the physical is forgotten.

The weight loss side of things is nice, but I'm more getting a kick out of the physical side of things. I am getting deeply into the rowing, perhaps because it is a physical activity where I am pitted against my favourite play partner - me. I'm fitter and healthier than I have ever been, and I have stamina like I've never had before. I am having to relearn the way I move and act, the way my body hangs together and the small things as I shift into a different style of living. My comforts have changed - my tastes in food have changed. It's terrifying, that the little things that supported me no longer do - but they were destructive support structures. I feel a bit like I am flailing to find more beneficial support structures. Having said that though, my friends are the most awesome support structure any one could ever have. I am constantly stunned and star struck  and so very grateful that I have so many amazing people enriching my life.

So I have lost about 18 kilos. I could do a walk, adding one kilo every time I go around the block here, because I'll tell you now, my journey has been a damn sight longer than 13 weeks. Or I could pick up one of my kids and give them a piggy back for a 4 kilometre walk.

I could. But I'm kind of impatient. Walk how fucking far? Can I do it in 45 - an hour? Can we do it at the gym? Can i read while I do it? Can I... can I... can I...? I would never consider Biggest Loser to be overly useful for any one trying to lose weight. Their menus are shockingly light (Under a thousand calories, which makes it a Very Low Calorie Diet) plus from what I saw they aren't eating enough fats to help their bodies recover from the work. They're working 4 - 8 hours a day in the gym. They have nothing else to do except exercize, eat, and work on their emotional problems. But regardless, I still watch, and I still empathize, and I remain much happier that I am doing this *my* way, and not being yelled at by some annoying git in lyrcra.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I am starting to get excited about Swancon! It's only about five and a bit weeks away and yay! I'm starting to get that pre-Swancon excitement going! Yay!

I have been hell busy around here, and it's been absolutely AWESOME. There's going to be some announcements soon about stuff I have been working on, plus there will be stuff, stuff, and more stuff! I don't have much to say right now, except to just burble excitedly for a bit. Expect more interesting updates when things come to hand!
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Copied from my food log  )
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
- submit! submit!
- wasff minutes (fix up of previous meeting)
- wasff minutes (current meeting)
- wasff todo list (previous version, email Doug for copy)
- wasff todo list, current version

- think about project and email people
- think about villiancon and maybe email people?
- work on scriverner (feeling the major love here!)
- load of dishes
- physio
- raise child.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I have long had a love/hate relationship with fanfic. There's a lot of paddling going on under the surface of this little black duck's pond.


I think for a bit.  )So, in summary, gosh. I've learnt, and I am learning alot, and I am still getting a kick out of this ride.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Kids have been disposed of thoughtfully, what shall I do with my remaining 5 hours?

Stuff wot needz to be dun )
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Happy Birthday Michael!
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Hmmm. What shall we do today? Vin's going into school (Yay!) as he is feeling a bit better but Jack is still unwell. When we get back from dropping Vin off, I need to put drops in his ears.

So I think I need a list to stay on track. It's been a lovely list free couple of days, and now onto the productivity again!

List du Jour )

I am on fire! Turns out today is cleaning day, not reading/writing day! Silly me! 

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Today was lovely and odd all at the same time. I went to the pool to do some wading, but felt sick after about four minutes. I did twenty anyway, and then vagued out for the rest of the day until about 2ish. Note to self: you were sick Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday!

Had lunch with friends yesterday, which miraculously was a daycare day! How I forgot it was a DCD I have no idea! Also did some very quick shopping too, saw some gorgeous dresses. Have decided I need a new Awards dress, since I have worn the same one for the last five years! I still get compliments and stuff, and I love it, but yeah. Time for a new dress! Maybe one with less sparkles...

I did some reading about the net today, learned what a Little Black Dress character is. What else did I learn... still doing more crochet than housework, which is surpringly productive. I sat in the sun and Jackie bundled about as small kids do, getting dirty and having a great time. He also seems to enjoy the NO TV thing going on at the moment. I'm weaning Vin off slowly... it's only just gone on today after he helped me do the dishes. Jack keeps saying 'No, No," when Vin was suggesting turning it on, which is pretty awesome I think!

J seems to be coming out of the dark spot he was in. He seems to have deeper moods than V, and be more entrenched in physical responses to frustration than V was (ie, he hits and punches, or even kicks when frustrated or doesn't like what you're saying.) We started a programme of hugs - whenever he said "no" and was being pouty, we glomped him with hugs. This plus my attempts to engage more and listen more seem to be working. :-)

The kids seem to get a kick out of my crochet jag. I bought a little french knitting kit that suggested it was good for kids, but neither of them were even remotely interested. I'm not exactly sure what else we can do with french knitting other than make cords. *shrug* Whatevs, dude, whatevs!

Writing is on hold for a day or two. Not sure why. We'll see how I feel at 7:15 tonight when J and I do a half hour min of project time and see if I do writing or more crochet. Despite no fiction output, I have however been blogging all over the internet. Ooo. Maybe we should wipe that off...

Thinking I'd like to have fire soon. Maybe a party with some mulled wine and soup and the first fire of the season. That would be kind of awesome.
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
OK, so I am reading about the internt, as one is wont to do, and then I was reading about this... "The Backbone Project. Help me become less wishy washy." (Yanno, I am kind of over every one using the word project for ... every new project they start. Ok, fine, I will shut up then...)

Ferrett says, “If you’re a conciliatory person by nature, writing a pleasant essay that excuses whatever it is that bugs you with a “But I guess that’s how people are” will not get comments either, because you’ll be so wishy-washy that nobody will be able to disagree with you.”

This post is from someone who wants to increase her readership, which I find interesting but not that exciting. However, bit of it had me squirming uncomfortably in my seat! I would say *I* am a wishy washy blog poster! I tend not to have 'stances' or welcome 'discussion' as 'discussion' for too many people is actually 'argument' in disguise. (If there's a winner, then every one just lost.)

Did I ever have blog posts with Opinions in them? Six and a half years ago... when I started this blog... gosh a lot of my first posts were long! I definitely had some opinions, but none of them seemed hardline or firm or... hang on. Back to being wishy washy again LOL

And you know what? Really not phased, I guess. There's definitely times where I wish I could post what I was really thinking, but, you know. Somethings I speak about, some things I write about. Sometimes they even meet. I'm pretty happy being a positively wishy washy person on the net. Yay me! 

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
GAH! Awake! Oh my EYES! Not the best of nights sleep last night. *sigh*

However, the markets should be open and I can buy the wool to finish my projects! Yay! 

Listy List List List )
Eh, that should do for now. Eeep, it's 7 already. Ah well, did get the first item done already! 
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
List of stuffs. Hopefully for today, but possible for the week LOL

Listy list list list  )

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Think I am finally through the worst of this cold and well onto the way to health. I have been crocheting this cold away, which has been brilliant, and also given rise to some writing ideas! Yay me!

I bought a whole bunch of writing books last night at Adrian Bedford's suggestion, plus a couple of others I have wanted. Finally getting a copy of No Plot No Problem and Nick Mamasta's Starve Better, which should be an amusing read.

I have a co-conspirator! Yay! I have someone to write with again! Oh how I miss that! Anyway, that won't start until next week, though I shall do my stuff regardless. Had a good chat about what stops people from writing and what keeps people going and ways to keep yourself going last night. In my first attempt at a novel, my characters had a dinner party every time I ran out of plot and ideas. Boy did they have a lot of dinner parties LOL 

Anyway, I have had yet more ideas for writing and stuff. I want to get back into reading again too, and have been sidling up to LSS again. I'm still not entirely sure what my method is. I seem to find it a small stumbling blocvk to log what I read. I am sure I have forgotten an anthology or two, but I haven't sat down to work it out. My gosh, what exactly do I do with my time LOL? 

I was sick on a daycare day this week, which sucks as it's my thinking/processing/development time, as well as all the fiddly bits that gets blog posts done and decent and etc, bt these things happen. The other problem was I was going to be helping Mel at the school and it didn't eventuate. Ah well, later. Looks like I will be helping at breakfast club tomorrow morning again. The kids keep asking when we are going next!

So anyway, one of the things I did last night was read a few pages of this:

which is a really, really, fabulous blog by a woman with Aspergers. A lot of the things she says makes sense to me and has crystallised some thoughts I have had. When I was doing the baby forums, I joined a writer's group on there, and was dismayed to discover that the other five or six women writing were all working on peices about miscarriages, still births, or autism. And every one of the autism ones were depressing. OMG depressing.

Reading Bev's blog sort of made me realise that one of the reasons I didn't like any of the articles about autism and the spectrum stuff is that they were always from the parent's point of view, and they came bundled in with these whole piles of issues and assumptions and some of it I just didn't like. And that's OK, but... it's still interesting, and in a real life way, kind of depressing too. We all just have to do the best we can.

I have also been thinking about power and relationships. I have had some interesting ideas to play with the Rumpelstiltskin fairy tale, and just playing around. I am always fascinated by this sort of stuff though. I have so many projects I am excited about, it's kind of hard to be excited without telling the whole story! 

Also: I hate Blinky Bill. I think it's an absolutely DREADFUL kids show, and would rather subject J to pretty much any other show under the sun when it's on. I hate the way the 'friends' interact with each other, the way the 'enemies' interact with each other, how all of them interact, the fact the main character is an absolute idiot and that this is somehow encouraged... GAH!

So, where was I up to...

It's payday today, so hoping we get paid LOL Prky and Tori are not coming to San Diego with me after all, so it's Carol and me at this point. Still hoping Alisa can make it, but not holding my breath. :-) I wonder if I can take crochet hooks on the plane. I have plastic ones after all.

Anyway, I have forgotten all the other deep stuff I was thinking about, so probably time to sign off! Gosh what a busy morning. Have made lunches, done cleaning, washed my hair, journalled, and now posted on DW/LJ. Soon I take V to school, and then J and I will be left staring at each other and wondering what we're supposed to do next...


Have a great day!

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
Went to visist huckle08 yesterday, and had the most awesome delightful cake evah... oh gods it was solid as a brick but so moist and flavourful and it wasn't actually solid it was more... dense.

Mmmmmm... this one....

So anyway. Back to my overflowing creativity.

I have long bemoaned my lack of use for my hands. I could type, and that was it. I guess I can cook too, but the results diseappear so fast... though I am very pleased with my cakes. I have been rushing around for the last two years working on my 'craft', believing it meant I was working on my ability to write better... and now, today, five seconds ago, despite the urge to write this post for days, I had the Moment.

I have been working on Craft - but not just in writing. But everything! I can crochet! Yesterday I learnt I can knit! I can make rather awesome cakes! I can write too, dammit, and it's time to stop playing with the minuitae and start working on the big things! OMGYAY!

I want to play with *everything!* I want to take [personal profile] transcendancing 's essay from yesterday and record it and release it for people to mess with! I want to write fanfic until my eyes fall out! I want to play with the next scene in the novel(s). I want wo make fanvids for LoTS. (Seriously, we need one to Wreath of Barbs by Wumpscutt) and I want to crochet shiny things with exciting yarn and read short stories and and and....

This is probably why the house is a mess. I feel so excited and alive when I am doing all this other stuff. The house isn't too bad though. :D I think I shall allocate a pomodor to writing and a pomodoro to cleaning before I go down to the school for my volunteering.

I feel like I now have a balance, and it's creating the overflow feeling. I am balancing my mental craft with a physical craft. I can crochet while I daydream my nextscene, planning each word and each action with care and love and excitement, and then the words flow. And I can use the crochet to give my brain time to refresh as well as reflect.


We also talked about many things yesterday, ranging from our current society's belief in co-dependancy as opposed to love, the five types of oppression (silence, violence, powerlessness, financial, and something else) and this morning I was reading about Knitta, Please, which I am far more interested in the racial issues involved than the actual art LOL. I find these sorts of things really, really interesting, and illuminates some interesting stuff all over the place. I didn't even guess the racism in Knitta, Please until I read the article, and my own blindness on that is something I think about and explore. I do live under my rock, and while I am quite happy here I do like to explore, like to try and understand other things. My writing group has been having this HUGE discussion about cultural appropriation, and eventually Satima made a comment about all writing being an exploration of the human condition. I guess I missed the reference because I'm not American, and I'm not entirely conversant with the American history behind it. I still sort of think that I should have realised though, because we are a 'western' society and we do have a relationship with the culture as provided through various media forms.


Anyway, [personal profile] transcendancing  tells me that it's actually these five forms of oppression: exploitation, marginalisation, powerlessness, cultural imperialism, violence.

I have more half formed thoughts about the Knitta, Please thing, but they are half formed, after all, and I don't think it's the sort of conversation I can have online without ending up more confused than I currently am. I shall continue to read articles and stuff instead.

callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
What an odd little day! 

I walked to school this morning and did my hour at Breakfast Club and got my stamp, then walked home, took Jack to daycare. I went to the shops and bought some stuff and then as soon as I got home, Mum rang to suggest I take a jacket to school for V, since he is doing swimming lessons at the moment. Since he has NO BODY FAT AT ALL I thought yeah, that's a good idea. Walked back to deliver it., got back, did some stuff for Swancon, did some planning, and then did an hour and half of editing. Now I am about to walk down to get V and when we get back, at some point we shall go and get J.

Plus we had rain and an earthquake in all that! 

Life is pretty awesome right now LOL 
callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)
I am alive! Still! Yay!

Last night I harvested! I got some broad beans, some swiss chard in red and yellow, and eyed off some lovely looking beetroots. My eggplants are growing, and I bet the f^%$ing snails are growing fat. The celery is disgustingly happy, which it would be since I don't like it a lot! LOL! Great in cooking (ie stocks and stews and casseroles) but not just for eating by itself. Yecch. But I have my swiss chard and greens down pat. I followed Jamie Oliver's instructions in Italy, but in the end I just use french dressing these days. :-)

Chesh's mum has come to pat us and help us out. She is a whirling dirvish of activity, which has been wonderful and frustrating. Frustrating because I can't help in the garden, or int he kitchen, or chasing the kids as much as I would like. Wonderful because she has helped ease some of the workload on Chesh, which has been brilliant, as well as eased some of the workload on Mum too.

Last night was another drug free night. I'm having more drug free nights than non-drug free nights, which is great. I'm pleased with how I'm staying positive. I haven't had many down moments, and those I did sort of resulted in a vague wish that I was still in the hospital. :-)

I am already wishing November was over! OMG the workload ahead! Thankfully it's all stuff that has me in front of the PC, but OMG I do this to MYSELF! I have been looking at projects for christmas presents. Like I need another project.


callistra: Fuschia from Sinfest crying her heart out next to Hell's flames (Default)

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