Callisto's Journey

Seriously? It's only day six?

Fuck.

I have a lot of days of just phone calls this week, so I am pushing myself. I'm brain dead after 8.5 hours of calls. :(

L3 795
L4 799(a)
L4 875(b)
L5 (D) 686

I think making a decision to really focus on the ones I have a chance on has really helped ease the stress.

Have been working on them even if I haven't posted.

To do list for today:

L5 (A) submitted
L5 (B) submitted (Like I said, not expecting to even get shortlisted, but useful to see how I go.)
L5 (C)
L3 (A)
Prizes for Swancon Quiz (are you guys coming or what?? I have one more space on my table!)
pocket money for spawn
Diwali if i feel like it
Shower and dress
Breakfast and journal
Vague out on FB
Minecraft a bit



Things have been pretty exciting at work. On top of all the jobs and the committees at work and the committees at home and the job at work I'm feeling a bit exhausted. The three L5s here I thought were due on Monday night seem to be due on Sunday. My plans on running them through the people who I know and who work in the departments has just fallen into a hole. It doesn't matter too much, I don't think I will get those roles anyway but the experience in writing and applying for them is valuable.

I am making spaces to have down time I'm just tired today. Had a lovely time last night, went to dinner with some Ingress friends and was flagging but then jagged a catch up with some Swancon friends and got my second wind. I am deaded today but did have some really great cocktails! One had dill pickle juice!

I am feeling alert and ready to start round 2. Current tally is 5 in various starts of Draft 1.

have has some unsubtle hints from management as to which ones I need to concentrate on, so after a couple of such comments, I now have three levels of management going over some of my job applications. These are going to fucking sparkle like diamonds after all this polishing.

:)

Tonight, aiming to work on L3. I also have a couple of new jobs to add to the pile as of 9am this morning. It's recruitment season!

I feel awful and sad. Did manage all day at work, but now I am tired and just want to cry again.

Looks like it's my annual log in time LOL

So who's still here?

You're getting a massage and you're thinking "What is she DOING??" and then your back goes *snicksnickcrickcrickcrack* and you're like OMGWTFPOLARBEAR

I have a new job! I have received the paperwork, and I start the Monday immediately after I finish the current job! This contracting bizzo is exhausting!

I am very sad to be leaving the current job. The people and the whole place really worked for me. I was given clearly set goals and KPIs, received excellent feedback, had managers who cared and supported me, encouraged me to apply for other jobs, space to grow and develop, and a job that would have provided never ending challenges.

There may have been a few tears lately.

Hoping the new job is just as awesome. There's always a chance I could end up back where I was, but oh it's so nice to have a career again. I lovelovelove it.

So it's been almost a full year of employment for me. A series of contracts, a trip to Brisbane, paid off a few things, bought bigger things... I am doing this wrong, aren't I? LOL

But this is also the first year where we haven't had to dip into savings to pay for something. We've lived honourably and well, and I still think I am a good money manager. V's orthodontist will require a SUBSTANTIAL deposit shortly, and then 16 monthly payments roughly equivalent to what we're paying on the Carnival. They are good people, and have been absolutely brilliant.

I had a nap today, and feel rejuvenated. I feel plump and relaxed. Off to a dinner party tonight, so excited! Hope every one is having a lovely Saturday. It feels weird to be warbling along like this without a point or a focus.

I am contemplating a few things for writing in the next year. The Month of Foods were pretty popular. I have been thinking about doing some of the Tasty videos that come around on Facebook. Oh for frozen pizza dough in a can! Why don't we have that here??? I may have bought some brie and Camembert but forgot the puff pastry!

Otherwise, I have started writing reviews of movies for Granty. This serves multiple purposes; it gets me thinking critically again, gets me writing again, and gets me used to being back in the public eye.

I feel like I've been hiding under a rock for a couple of years (which is true) and I feel like putting my head up again. So, time to start producing creative works, and for me, that's wordsmithing.
:D

Also, I have managed to log into Dreamwidth on my phone. I wonder if I can do videos here too. I really enjoyed doing them for Kitwardrobes, and getting back into that habit would be great!

 So. 

Swancon 40. Easter 2015 at the Pan Pacific. 

Convenor: 
Kat Griffiths and Stephen Griffiths (no relation) 
Treasurer: Helen Dufill 
Programmer: Sarah Parker
International Guest of Honour: John Scalzi
National Guest of Honour: Kylie Chan 
Fan Guest of Honour: Anthony Peacey

So many people are involved in running a Swancon, and I want to thank every one for making my year awesome. 

Two years ago a couple of young women said to me "We'd like you on the committee, and we'd like you to be our Prky," which, while a high honour, was already taken by Prky anyway. I said "Actually, I want to program. I have been feeling the calling, and I want to be your programmer." To which they squeed because I believe they hadn't found a victim volunteer yet who wanted it! 

This little con report is, as always, a ramble. Welcome to the perambulations through my half arsed recollections and scattered memories. 

I spent the first two days in a tizzy. I was stressed and ready to leap onto any spot fires with my laptop, phone, and backup plans, but after two days of lugging around my laptop, and not really having anything to do, I had to learn how to relax instead. 

We had one cancelled Panel, and Damian Magee stepped admirably into the spot to cover it with one of two pre-prepared backup panels. Did I mention I was ready? I was also vaguely disappointed that my other back up plan, to show Gallavant if there was time and space never actually eventuated because... there were no other cancellations. 

Every one seemed to be on time for their panels. Every one seemed to know what I wanted, what they needed, and they just did it. Andy Hahn was absolutely tireless in his devotion to the AC equipment, and I stand in awe at his technical knowledge about all things AV. Most people picked up their panelist packs, which meant I met every one face to face, and said hi! 

We only had to change a few items around, but I had developed some rules in advance. I was happy to switch rooms on people, but there was no way I was moving times. If someone was too late for their panel, then thank you for your efforts, but everything and every one was so intensely tied into who was where when, there was no chance I could move things and update people properly. 

Venue changes happened because I had managed to put Guest of Honour stuff into the smaller rooms, which was... well, that was me. :) Ooops. Like I shouted at all couple of hundred people as they walked the twenty metres to the new, larger venue. 'SORRY! MY FAULT!"

So then I spent the next two hours combing through the remaining program and moving three other items, updating livecon, writing the official change sheets, notifying Facebook, and emailing the panelists. I figure that's my punishment, right? :p

I don't really know what else to add to this. I'm still in slow moving recovery mode. Lots of sleeping and quiet video games, crochet, movies. 
:) 

Hmmm, now the ramblier bits I guess LOL 
Thursday I was busy being stressy and super alert for spot fires, so John and I went to bed at a decent enough time. Managed breakfast on Friday morning, lurked ready to pounce on unsuspecting panelists by 9:10, which is 10 minutes later than I was intending and about 30 minutes before reception was ready! 

Friday night I drank a bit. There's a lovely picture of my hands braiding Dave's Cake beard, the hotel stole my wild tea vodka and I chased them down until they gave it back :) I was "hiding" it in their icecream freezer after all! 

Saturday was the masquerade, my friend is running a mobile beauticians' business, and so I was all done up. My eyelashes looked like I had baby birds glued to my eyes, which I didn't mind so much but the contact lenses I was wearing were giving me grief. I was done up like 

Sunday nights are often my favourite night of the con. Every one's sleep deprived, exhausted, funned out, but so determined to party that last night, so this is the night where things get amusing. I visited a few room parties, drank a bottle or two of wine, flirted outrageously for bit (Me, would I do that?), met new people who swear they will always come back, and had far too much fun. 

After the room party got shut down, we went down to the foyer but then Coman was talking about his plans for 2017 and I'm *done* for now, so I said good nights and headed off. 

I didn't cry at closing ceremony, which I thought I would. I felt like I had done the best I could for my committee, and that my program, and I,  ran beautifully. None of my public speaking this con was scripted other than a bunch of PPT slides, and I ran my first ever auction! 

Opening Ceremony
Ooo, I should talk about opening ceremony. Ok. Well, we got approval from WASFF about 9 days before the con started for Welcome to County. I take responsibility for raising this, it went something like "do we have a line for Welcome to Country?" and Helen going "Nope" and I was all "I am sure I saw that in a budget somewhere" and TBH it was probably 2016's budget line, but my awesome Convenor took it to WASFF and asked for it and they said yes! So, by the time we got word we had budget, I started contacting the leads I had been given. 

I had attended a Close the Gap celebration earlier in march that had an awesome Welcome to Country, and I thought Shaun would be awesome for Swancon, and really in fitting with our love affairs with narrative and meaning, however when I emailed my contact, it had a vacation bounce and said she wouldn't be back until 16th of April! Eep! 

So I tried the other details i had been given, ringing them on Thursday and then Friday, and they said they would email me a list but it never arrived, however it turns out the vacation bounce had also sent my email to another person in the department, who sent me the right contact details. 

So, now on the Tuesday before con... and Shaun said he was free, and we sorted out the details, and Swancon had it's first Welcome to Country. 

It's a bit hard to comment on it when you're sitting at the white table behind him but I found it moving and amazing and reaffirming. His story telling abilities and sense of presence were fantastic, and I felt safe in his story telling. And it turns out he knew people in the crowd! he had many people coming up to mention how amazing, how touching, his Welcome to Country had made them feel, and he caught up with some old workmates, and I said if he was free next year on the Thursday of Easter.... 

Which also gave rise to the thought that sometimes we need to invite people into our spaces better, and you know what might be fun? Perhaps we could have an Indigenous Guest of Honour, so we can learn more about some of the spec-fic that's coming out of Indigenous Writers. 

I had almost thirty people tell me how uplifting, amazing and awesome Shaun's Welcome had been, and one person felt uncomfortable in that the Welcome related to a religion, regardless of whether it had been any religion, they did feel the religious tones were unnecessary for a convention opening ceremony. 

I had asked Grant Stone to do the opening ceremony, and he said yes but then he wasn't around at the time, so in the end I opened Swancon. It's never hard doing public speaking at Swancon. Every one there is a friend. 

Coming from my pagan background, it made sense to me that since I had Opened Swancon, I should Close it too. A sacred five days of creation, narrative, genre, passionate people, discussions, personalities, and so much more, it has to be Closed so we can return to our every day selves, and start saving for the next one! 

I didn't cry during the closing ceremony for closing, but I did cry for the Mikey Award, as I always do. I cried many times over the convention, it's my way of downloading too much emotion, and then picking up and carrying on. I don't think I have ever cried so many happy tears though, nor have I ever been so thanked so often for the program. I counted thirty odd people thanking me for the Welcome to Country, and I have had more than that thanking me for the program, people I hold very dear and high in my esteem. 

Changing Communities Panel (in which I waffle for far too long about emotional stuff) 
This was one of my babies. I was so excited when I heard John was coming, for his Ant Army stuff and his activism in changing some of the communities he has been a part of, and I kind of wanted to share some of his experiences and our experiences in trying to help keep our community open and as welcoming as possible. 

It was a little hard, because I was tired and overwrought, and it's something so close to my heart, but the community we have at Swancon is what will always bring people back. I have so many amazing friends and acquaintances from Swancon, and I've always tried hard to make sure that we get to be ourselves, even while we're being a rowdy and contentious lot. 

Swancon really is a rare thing in fandom, I hear this from international visitors, and that lies entirely with the people who come, and the community we have built. We have our problems, but we work on them, and we don't try to pretend that we are anything other than normal people doing the best we can.

A lot of the community change stuff is undercurrent stuff, and from my point of view, it's not so much been anything other than a gentle and continuous reminder to people to be the best we can be. And that's exactly what people do at Swancon. We try to be the best we can. I am so proud of us, all of us. 

Anyway, I'm not so much done in writing this as I got distracted and wandered off. 
:) 
There might be more later. 

OMG how long has it been since I posted? You all know I only come here when I have time, right?? So.. have been a tad busy.

So, a bit of a run down for those who are curious.

I got a job! I can't remember if I posted here to mention that. I am now working for iiBorg, provisioning telephones and internet at a place near you. This week, i have dreamed about work every night. Last night, I dreamt about connecting phone lines, adsl, being on a headset and being on calls several times. In different dreams. *sigh*

So, my typical day looks a lot like this:

6:10 we get out of bed and I shower while john makes coffee and breakfast. I am having problems with food right now, so I eat as much as I can of one egg and a slice of bacon, and drink my coffee while brushing hair/getting dressed/trying to be presentable. If I have time, I will play about 5 minutes of farmville, but only if someone else has already turned on the PC. I just don't bother if the PC is not already on.

7:00 we drive me to the train, and I catch the train to Subi.

On the train, I check FB and this week, I rang people. Wow, me using the phone! Voluntarily! For longer than five seconds! Wow! I have been driven by desperation - time crunched and half my friends all moving to Melbourne... so yeah. I am learning to use the phone. And learning to use my phone credit LOL

8:10ish I am at work for an 8:30 start. I take calls and do tasks. I get one 15 minute break, one 30 minute lunch, and one 10 minute break. Finish at 5:00 and walk back to the train station and catch the train home. John catches up with me in Perth and we train home together.I check FB and he plays Civilisation.

6:00ish we get home, and on Mondays we still have our Family nights with willowgypsy and leachim. Willow picks up the kids from school and cooks us dinner, so I walk through to door to a loving family, which is just ... *awesome*. Tuesday Mum has the kids and it's just the four of us for dinner, and then Wednesday we have Doctor Who night, and leachim often walks through the door at the same time as we do, or else about ten minutes later. Thursdays it's usually just four of us, and Friday is Daycare day, and every couple of weeks I go out with leachim. Chesh goes to Artifactory most Wednesday nights except for once a month when it's Polymeet night, and I go to Polymeets.

Weekends are often spent trying to catch up. Throwing in Swancon and other stuff, we have been hell busy. Now Swancon is over, I am concentrating on my home life more. I am trying to retrain Vin's sleep habits so he stops getting outof bed five times and not sleeping until 9:30, and we have had some wins there - he is often asleep before 8:00 this week - yay!

He's been having 'sads' which i think have been a combination of a number of factors - lactose buildup when he is intolerant (an experiment gone wrong, really), low iron, sleep deprivation, and the changes going on around here. They are completely terrifying for me. It's sucha struggle, and I struggle with me, and my self, to do the best thing in his interest and mine. I want to scream and shout and make him stop, but I don't want to be that person, so I struggle and just try to be there for him while he's screaming at me to go away. It's a bit of a mess but the severity is dropping, to the point where I think the food and sleep is starting to have a good effect and it's more of a tantrum than a full on emotional storm. I have hopes that there will be no sad this weekend - they seem to happen a lot at five seconds to dinner time on Sunday nights.

The changes with working the re-distribution of my stresses has actually been going really well. There were going to be changes of course, but I was wondering if they would be difficult to incorporate mentally. It is odd and I miss the kids and my old life a lot, but at the same time, I get paid! And I'm not as exhausted as I thought I would be - I still walk outof there with the urge to create and play with colour and write. I just don't have much un-allocated time, and I am getting used to using what un-allocated time I do have. It's only been a couple of months, and it usually takes about 6 for things to really sort itself out. Then I am sure I will get back into editing/writing. It's so awesome to still have the urge, even if I don't get to actually *do* much. Painting my nails is both a creative outlet and some self care that brings me joy. :) I get to play with colours! And buying mini OPIs is my new hobby, and I am rather loving it.

Swancon was really lovely. I wanted a quiet con where I could just enjoy it, and not "work," and that happened. I had some very special moments with all my closest friends, and signed up for programming with John for 2015. Yes, that's how much extra energy one con "off" can give me LOL and I am really excited to be working with the committee.

Oddly enough, now I have no time and no interest in food, I want to have awesome dinner parties again. I want to spend time cooking as an art on the weekends. I made soup and stew yesterday, and have bought a new cooking mag and suggested a dinner party to some friends while imagining the stacked and layered chocolate desserts I could make for every one.

Ok, enough rambling for now. I should go clean something, but I have already done a bit of that... LOL

So, next year my family will have no income. Again. We did that earlier this year, and we've only just gotten back to the point where we don't owe any one money from that time, and we've paid off the debts and stuff that we accumulated. We were finally going to have a month without Christmas or Birthdays or door payments...

Except not, I guess.

The IT industry is a funny thing right now. We didn't feel the GFC so much at the time, but we certainly seem to be feeling the after effects. Not that it's actually over, as far as I remember it being reported. It's caused some real uncertainty in IT, and we've been working from contract to contract with the hope of a permanent position. The promise was lost, however when the mining companies started to take a hit too, and so no permanent job for us.

So now I am looking for a job too. Full time, interesting, stable... I can do a lot of stuff. I am flexible, self motivating, and a pleasure to work with. But I haven't worked for someone else for almost 8 years. It's not a black hole of time by any means. I have written novels, sold lingerie, run my own business, written manuals, developed an online home business, worked on the Board of WASFF for many years, volunteered at the school, seen some bits of America, sold short stories... I know all this because I have been writing job applications and going over my CV and wondering.... if I am enough.

I have to work out so much stuff. Do I want to try for a career? If so, what career? I have to start at the bottom again, and can I start in a way so I don't die of boredom while I learn from the ground up? Will anything I have done before be useful or valued? Am I hire-able? Can I get a stable job? Is any industry stable these days? What's the point in sorting out what *I* want when really, my family *needs* the stability over the possible career? If IT is as unstable as it appears to be, there has to be an income stream into the family that is constant and reliable. I would love to do temping for a while and do all sorts of things and see what's out there but maybe I just need something steady instead?

This is just the beginning of the job search. I have potentially months to go before I get hired. I struggle with the reversal of power in this situation; I want to be the one who does the research and picks the company to apply all my attention to, and when you're talking  career level stuff, that used to be the way to get your job. But these days I think I have to apply the scatter shot approach. Apply for as many low level jobs as possible in the hopes I get something. Anything. Whatever!

If Chesh manages to get his contract sorted out, there's going to be times when we're *both* working. And it's not even for the money, in that instance, that I need a job. It's the stability. I find this an odd position to be in. The last year has definitely had a lot of trust in it, that we'd find a suitable contract at a suitable rate and a suitable time, but the 9 weeks without pay earlier this year kind of destroyed that trust. This time when it was confirmed the permanent job would not be appearing, and that no contracts were being renewed (John had suspicions) we both hit the ground running. I bought half a cow. John started applying for a minimum of a job a day. I already remember the recipes and the meal plans to minimize food costs. I cried a bit, to be doing this again.

But this is life. :)

And the food is the least of our worries, in a way. I can do things with 10 kilos of rice and 10 kilos of mince to feed us for a month if I had to. The food is not really an issue. It's the bigger things that are going to bounce and worry me. I should start making lists and if we don't have a contract organized by January, I should start ringing companies and asking for suspensions. I don't want to. It's so much fluffing around and so annoying and so... so... embarrassing. I will ring anyway, and I know my cheeks will burn with something which could just be labelled shame. But whatever. I am not ashamed that I need help. I think it's more that I know people make judgements, and that I can't help that and I am powerless and I have to ask the powerful for help. It frustrates me and makes me angry that I'm not the powerful one. It's easy to be benevolent when I have the power. :) less easy when i don't.

I'm not the most graceful of people, that's certainly been proven lately. At least my bratty behaviour seems to be under better control. Hurting the people who love you is never a good thing.

Hurting people trying to help is also never a good thing. This is all just temporary, and I am secure in a web of love and loving people and I know we will be fine. nothing really has changed - we have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Yet something indefinable has changed, and the future seems more uncertain. I'm working through the future and trying to shape what I can but the ground is shifty and difficult to rely on. I need to harden the underlying supports to my family, and that means I can't just pull the wagons close and wait it out this time. I need to get out there and attack the problem. :) I need a job.

I have many worries. Maybe I should stick to writing about one of them at a time.

I find the whole jump from feast to famine really also very disconcerting. We will go from zero income to potentially thousands a month, especially if we're both working at the same time. Such a huge difference! I have to incorporate that into any plans for next year too. Everything is so uncertain. It's weird that there will be so much money coming in, and that we won't *need* it all. I am hoping to save it, keep it, and do stuff... but what? London or new home? Bali with the kids? Brisbane, Melbourne, Tasmania?

This also affects our hopes and plans to move. We won't be able to get a houseloan while Chesh is between contracts, and we can't use any potential job I might have because the banks won't allow for it until i have had the job for 6 - 12 months. Apparently because John has been in the same industry for years and years, his contract work is ok to get a house loan with. We're sitting on 130K of equity that we can't use.

I have nothing else to add to this post yet. It's just random rambling as I think and process. At least I am now at the point where i can think and process. I don't feel too stressed yet, but that might come later. Right now I am seeking ways to plan, to envision and to be prepared for what's coming. This year (2012) I think had some underlying themes of TRUST and FAITH. I'm not sure if I have learnt the lesson yet or if it's still ongoing. The word REDEFINITION is coming up a lot. Maybe it's time I redefined my family and the way it functions. It's time I redefined the roles we all play. It's time to redefine who I am again in an external sense rather than internal. It's time to redefine what my kids do and how they function in the family.

Goodbye 2012. I won't miss you much. You sure had some highlights but you sure had some lowlights too. 2013 will be better. :)