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A safe space is a construction. It's a part of creating a connection, but only a part. It is entirely possible to create a safe space without having a connection with the person you are sharing that safe space with.
A connection comes after developing and maintaining safe space. It's a dual effort from both sides of the discussion, a forging of ways.
Feeling safe is a different thing again. There's a multitude of reasons why people don't feel safe. Then when you examine safety a little closer, you realise that each person has their own interpretation of what safety is. I think a connection comes about when the safe space has been clearly delineated and upheld often enough that a part of it becomes habit; subconscious, or perhaps less consciously created. Greater conversations can happen. Greater and deeper conversations do happen.
Safe spaces and feelings of safety are not always hard work, or deep conversations. Safe spaces and safety can also allow for a greater feeling of play. We examine and explore the reasons why we think the way we do, and in doing so we critique them, shuck off the things that no longer fit and try on new coats of strange colours. Safe spaces mean you can try something weird and wonderful, and if it's not what we hoped, we know we have a safety net unique to our needs to help us cope with that. It means we can be free to make great mistakes, and fall flat on our faces. We can play and be silly, and be the self we want to be without paying service to the self we are supposed to be. It is also possible to fall into the safety net with little explanation, and have people caring for our needs as we form the ability to speak of our issues.
Safety and feelings of safe spaces are also a place of sanctuary. It's an intimately known quality, where so much discussion has already occured that the system can meet your needs. It means when you're miserable and need company to listen to, you have friends who can answer that need. Or if you're miserable and need to talk; you know you can have these needs met. It means if you need to sit quietly and absorb group energy, you can do so without worrying what others might think, say or do. I noticed this as being 'a place where you can exist without struggle of identity'.
Connections and safespaces allow for a different kind of honesty between friends. I can ask freely and be rejected freely. Now I think I need to explain the word freely in that sentence. I can ask without fear of offence. I can be rejected without fear of offence. I already trust the people I am asking that they will reject my requests for whatever their own reasons they might have. I don't need to soften people up, or engage them in dialogue to make them do what I want. I am in a place where I can ask for assistance, and know that it will be willingly met, and where I know that if the person can't meet my needs, THEY WILL LET ME KNOW.
I can not state often enough how important that last sentence is. I don't want resentment because I asked. I want a clear simple No, that doesn't work for me.
In part, this comes about because of the Ask vs Guess culture. I much prefer Ask, where I can ask questions and accept a No, then a Guess culture, where you don't ask, and you end up trying to maneouvre to get the things you want or need. My family life has been primarily Guess, and I never quite fitted in. My questions used to drive my Mum crazy! But I still would rather tread on toes, ask difficult questions, and then learn, than just never ask.
A connection comes after developing and maintaining safe space. It's a dual effort from both sides of the discussion, a forging of ways.
Feeling safe is a different thing again. There's a multitude of reasons why people don't feel safe. Then when you examine safety a little closer, you realise that each person has their own interpretation of what safety is. I think a connection comes about when the safe space has been clearly delineated and upheld often enough that a part of it becomes habit; subconscious, or perhaps less consciously created. Greater conversations can happen. Greater and deeper conversations do happen.
Safe spaces and feelings of safety are not always hard work, or deep conversations. Safe spaces and safety can also allow for a greater feeling of play. We examine and explore the reasons why we think the way we do, and in doing so we critique them, shuck off the things that no longer fit and try on new coats of strange colours. Safe spaces mean you can try something weird and wonderful, and if it's not what we hoped, we know we have a safety net unique to our needs to help us cope with that. It means we can be free to make great mistakes, and fall flat on our faces. We can play and be silly, and be the self we want to be without paying service to the self we are supposed to be. It is also possible to fall into the safety net with little explanation, and have people caring for our needs as we form the ability to speak of our issues.
Safety and feelings of safe spaces are also a place of sanctuary. It's an intimately known quality, where so much discussion has already occured that the system can meet your needs. It means when you're miserable and need company to listen to, you have friends who can answer that need. Or if you're miserable and need to talk; you know you can have these needs met. It means if you need to sit quietly and absorb group energy, you can do so without worrying what others might think, say or do. I noticed this as being 'a place where you can exist without struggle of identity'.
Connections and safespaces allow for a different kind of honesty between friends. I can ask freely and be rejected freely. Now I think I need to explain the word freely in that sentence. I can ask without fear of offence. I can be rejected without fear of offence. I already trust the people I am asking that they will reject my requests for whatever their own reasons they might have. I don't need to soften people up, or engage them in dialogue to make them do what I want. I am in a place where I can ask for assistance, and know that it will be willingly met, and where I know that if the person can't meet my needs, THEY WILL LET ME KNOW.
I can not state often enough how important that last sentence is. I don't want resentment because I asked. I want a clear simple No, that doesn't work for me.
In part, this comes about because of the Ask vs Guess culture. I much prefer Ask, where I can ask questions and accept a No, then a Guess culture, where you don't ask, and you end up trying to maneouvre to get the things you want or need. My family life has been primarily Guess, and I never quite fitted in. My questions used to drive my Mum crazy! But I still would rather tread on toes, ask difficult questions, and then learn, than just never ask.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-26 10:32 am (UTC)From: