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I went to a new play group the other day. I got on better with the women there than I think I did with the last group. Anyway, we're standing outside while the kids play on equipment (wet, damp equipment I might add. My house is full of white sand which is now, thankfully, dry white sand) and just talking about life in general. And the two ladies I was standing with both have husbands who work away from home. Larissa was saying that she likes it because he's away, and then he comes home and they're completely in love with each other for abotu a week before they start arguing about who's turn it is to take out the garbage. And I said "Well, John and I don't fight. We've never fought." And Larissa goes "Sounds kind of boring to me." I mentioned that the sex is great but that we just don't fight over things.
And this has made me wonder - to me, being yelled at and yelling at people is violence. I try not to do this precisely because it is violence. I don't usually raise my voice in anger (Do I? Or am I self delusional here?) although when I am angry I think it can be obvious. John has never raised his voice at me either, although there was this one time when Vinnie was very small and we hadn't slept well in a long time and we both growled at each other. That's about it, but it was caused by a lack of sleep. We have disagreements, but the last thought on our minds is yelling at each other. I mean, how rude! I don't quite understand how Larissa equated arguing with her husband over the garbage bin to a "more exciting" relationship. Are the two related? The funny thing is, as pretty much 100% of you know by now, I do enjoy bondage and BDSM, giving and receiving, which is of course violence. But the violence I condone is physical only; the people I play with and are played by are 100% respectful of me as a person. By yelling during an everyday event, I see that as violent and disrepectful. And if you're not respecting the person your with, why the hell should they respect you? Is it because she might enjoy not knowing if her husband is angry with her or not when she goes to bed at night? Uncertainty is fun? I don't think I get it.
I dreamt that i was working somewhere, and at this point I was in what seemed like a shopping centre type of thing in one of the departments. There was a very cute man there; I was flirting with him, and someone was there (John? Dad?) who wasn't 100% approving, but I'd known this guy before and there had been a zing there for a while. Anyway, while flirting and chatting and catching up, I dropped my chinese food container with some coins in it onto the floor. And while I go down to pick it all up, a guy walking past reaches down and grabs a handful of the coins! I was furious and yelling abuse and stuff at him. But he just laughed at me and kept walking. He was with a friend. He was also wearing a purple fluffy jacket with a fur trim collar. It looked like it was made for a man, despite the description. Later, I go outside the shop, and in the centre of the mall is Simon Stainsby, and he is on a walking stick and very shakey and apparently begging for money. I go to him, and the two guys were there, the one in the purple was fooling around with Simon's tin cup. I told Simon to be careful because this guy stole some of my money, and ask Simon if he needs food, because I can make some up for him but I had no money. I don't know what his answer was, because then I was at a different place, it was kind of like a back yard, grassy with asbestos fencing around it, but I think it was the back of the uni/shopping mall/building I was in, because at one point I am on the floor looking for stuff and it's like I aminside a tree stump with a flat floor, and I have a phone with me and I am trying to ring Tony Finch (my boss) but it's a new phone system and I don't know his new extension number. I'm in the back yard looking for whatever my boss wanted me to look for, and it's dark except for the patio type lights, and this huge guy comes from no where and is trying to rape me. I have Vinnie on my hip, and I'm tryiong to beat this guy with the handset of the phone (which was pretty hefty) but it didn't seem to be doing anything, he was unstoppable, but eventually I guess I hit him enough that he backed up and went around the corner, out of sight, but I knew he was still there, so I rang 000 and started begging for help but the woman on the line didn't believe me. She kept saying things like "You can't ring us *every time* you have a domestic, you know" and I'm going off because if he comes back and I don't get help then I'm in real trouble and she's going on about "So you were lonely and thought you'd give us a call?" and I'm screaming about the guy trying to rape me. I'd just realised that they weren't going to come, and that with Vinnie here I couldn't do anything that might get him hurt either when I woke up.
scary dream!
And this has made me wonder - to me, being yelled at and yelling at people is violence. I try not to do this precisely because it is violence. I don't usually raise my voice in anger (Do I? Or am I self delusional here?) although when I am angry I think it can be obvious. John has never raised his voice at me either, although there was this one time when Vinnie was very small and we hadn't slept well in a long time and we both growled at each other. That's about it, but it was caused by a lack of sleep. We have disagreements, but the last thought on our minds is yelling at each other. I mean, how rude! I don't quite understand how Larissa equated arguing with her husband over the garbage bin to a "more exciting" relationship. Are the two related? The funny thing is, as pretty much 100% of you know by now, I do enjoy bondage and BDSM, giving and receiving, which is of course violence. But the violence I condone is physical only; the people I play with and are played by are 100% respectful of me as a person. By yelling during an everyday event, I see that as violent and disrepectful. And if you're not respecting the person your with, why the hell should they respect you? Is it because she might enjoy not knowing if her husband is angry with her or not when she goes to bed at night? Uncertainty is fun? I don't think I get it.
I dreamt that i was working somewhere, and at this point I was in what seemed like a shopping centre type of thing in one of the departments. There was a very cute man there; I was flirting with him, and someone was there (John? Dad?) who wasn't 100% approving, but I'd known this guy before and there had been a zing there for a while. Anyway, while flirting and chatting and catching up, I dropped my chinese food container with some coins in it onto the floor. And while I go down to pick it all up, a guy walking past reaches down and grabs a handful of the coins! I was furious and yelling abuse and stuff at him. But he just laughed at me and kept walking. He was with a friend. He was also wearing a purple fluffy jacket with a fur trim collar. It looked like it was made for a man, despite the description. Later, I go outside the shop, and in the centre of the mall is Simon Stainsby, and he is on a walking stick and very shakey and apparently begging for money. I go to him, and the two guys were there, the one in the purple was fooling around with Simon's tin cup. I told Simon to be careful because this guy stole some of my money, and ask Simon if he needs food, because I can make some up for him but I had no money. I don't know what his answer was, because then I was at a different place, it was kind of like a back yard, grassy with asbestos fencing around it, but I think it was the back of the uni/shopping mall/building I was in, because at one point I am on the floor looking for stuff and it's like I aminside a tree stump with a flat floor, and I have a phone with me and I am trying to ring Tony Finch (my boss) but it's a new phone system and I don't know his new extension number. I'm in the back yard looking for whatever my boss wanted me to look for, and it's dark except for the patio type lights, and this huge guy comes from no where and is trying to rape me. I have Vinnie on my hip, and I'm tryiong to beat this guy with the handset of the phone (which was pretty hefty) but it didn't seem to be doing anything, he was unstoppable, but eventually I guess I hit him enough that he backed up and went around the corner, out of sight, but I knew he was still there, so I rang 000 and started begging for help but the woman on the line didn't believe me. She kept saying things like "You can't ring us *every time* you have a domestic, you know" and I'm going off because if he comes back and I don't get help then I'm in real trouble and she's going on about "So you were lonely and thought you'd give us a call?" and I'm screaming about the guy trying to rape me. I'd just realised that they weren't going to come, and that with Vinnie here I couldn't do anything that might get him hurt either when I woke up.
scary dream!
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no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 01:37 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 02:04 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 03:21 am (UTC)From:We only tend to yell at other when we are really annoyed with each other , if I missed taking my happy pills , we haven't slept well or we yell from one end of the house to the next to tell each other something(I blame my parents for that).
I've read somewhere that couples that don't argue don't communicate well but I think there is an exception to that rule in some couples .
I think most couples are use to arguing with each other and yelling especially if they have grown up in household with parents that argue all the time .
I had a rape dream once but I never thought of ringing the police in the dream , which is similiar to what I would have done years ago in real life .
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 03:27 am (UTC)From:I don't think one way is any healthier than the other - people either have shouty personalities or indoor voice personalities, I guess.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:04 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:13 am (UTC)From:I don't see the point.
On the train coming back from Canberra on Sunday, there was a young couple with a small boy about 4 or 5, and they were noisy the whole time they were on the train! It alternated between 'ahhh honey, love you' ::cuddle:: ::cuddle:: to 'don't do that!' 'I hate the way you '.
it annoyed me actually.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:15 am (UTC)From:People satisfy these urges in different ways. You do so in the bedroom. Others might do so verbally or in social situations.
Your inherent, subconscious desire for conflict also finds an outlet in the mailing lists/forums you subscribe to, if your posts in here are any indication. ;)
As a result, you don't carry pent up aggression into other aspects of your personal life.
On a slightly related note to the above - I've always believed that if someone actually achieves or obtains everything they want in life, and they can't think of anything else to reach for, they'll find a way to get rid of some of it, consciously or not, to create purpose in their life again.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:17 am (UTC)From:Which confused the living bejesus out of me (I thought it might be some fiction project he was writing) until I read the username. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:18 am (UTC)From:It's not the worst stress dream I had.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:19 am (UTC)From:sorry
:-)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:21 am (UTC)From:And yes, it's annoying! I get some of the angry nervous energy when people are like that in public. I'm not sure if their violence is going to end up directed at me I guess. And I hate public transport.
:-)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 04:26 am (UTC)From::-)
I have to remember sometimes that really, we are just animals that can look to the skies. I have the urge to yell in anger occasionally. And I get violent urges. (For example with Splankey's recent thefts) but I don't like to feel that way, and I expect that the people who do like to feel that way have a different hormonal make up. If I think I am too emotionally involved in a fight, and just out to "win" and not resolve, then I have to take myself away because I expect I can get horrible.
I love my mailing lists. I just whine about them, I don't usually reply to the list *grin*