callistra | Miserable

Last night and yesterday were going really well. I felt OK despite the exhaustion, and on top of things. I rang people and sounded competent. And that night the house was clean, we tried spring rolls for dinner, and I got some work done on my crafty hobby thing. (I am making draught stoppers for the doors in the house.) And then I started looking for a string/cord/ribbon to attach to the end of the draught stopper, cos I figure there will be about 8 months where we won't be using it, so if I sew in a loop then it can hang on the back of door handles until needed again and won't be in the way. And while reaching down to check out my box o' junk, my chair broke from under me.

This is the second bad fall I've had this pregnancy, and I just sat there and cried and cried. I still feel really low and miserable and weepy, and probably tired too, because V seems to be unwell, and was up between 12:30ish - 2:30ish last night, very unhappy and wanting to sleep but apparently unable to do so. We're off to the drs today for him.

The worst thing about the fall is that it sort of reminded me how much of my good cheer is from sheer force of will. Right now all I want to do is go back to bed, cry for a bit, and hide under my covers, but I can't. The fall made me feel small and damaged and alone and it's a feeling I have when I'm pregnant, and it's not me but it comes up and I have to find ways to deal with it when it does. I felt like Vinnie, sitting or standing and crying, tears running down my face and unable to explain or tell any one what's actually wrong. I was thinking of trying to ring the fridge people and see if they can get us a bigger drip tray, or a better fridge, which I think is a hopeless task, but before last night I felt that I could at least tackle it, where as right now I don't want to do anything but go back to bed.

Mum's here with vinnie, and I feel quite grateful and ungrateful at the same time, because when she said "You can do whatever you want, I'll look after vinnie," and I mentioned going back to bed and got a bad look for it. So instead, I've been stacking the dishwasher, cleaning up, sweeping, and general housework while she sits around and Vinnie sits on her lap and watches TV. I don't have the energy to do the housework!

I'm terrified that the next three months are going to be awful. I'm frightened that I'm going to lose another three months of my little boy's life to foggy memories from exhaustion, that I won't be here when he needs me, or if I've already failed him somehow. At three in the morning, listening to him cry again, all I can think is "this must be my fault, maybe he is having seperation anxieties from day care or something" which my rational mind says is bullshit, but my rational mind is buried in hormones right now and tiredness. And I'm bruised from my waist probably down to my knee. My knee was already hurting before I even hurt myself more. I'm cramping in almost every position when I try to get to sleep.

I'm thinking of making the femmeconne meeting on the thursday night purely so I can ask someone else to run the meeting, and I will just sit and take notes and listen. The meeting is so I can hear what people want/would like/expect, so there's no real need for me to be the chair person too. But one step at a time. And right now, I think the next step is to go and rest somewhere because this housework has floored me.

Current Mood: miserable

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*sends you lots of big fuzzy hugs*

Thanks hun. I have a pile of tupperware with your name on it.
Now what do we do? *grin*

Shhhh! Michael's not supposed to know! Can it wait until meeting night? Or do you desperately need the space?

If you desperately need the space, I am free(ish) Tuesday night... Unless you're coming along ot our Games Day thing tomorrow? :)

Let me know :) *huge hugs*

No, no hurry, and we're unlikely to be out and about tomorrow.
:-)
We have plenty of space, and stuff with other people's names on it gets favourable looks.
:-)
Mind you, I could come and give out heaps of stuff... every one will be at the one place LOL
Hee hee hee
well, no comments yet from Michael, and this post was *days* ago... and titled "whine", so I think we might be safe...
Maybe...

You poor bloody thing. *hug*

Pregnancy is weird and exhausting and a battle between the mother's body's instinct for survival and the fetus's needs. It ought not be taken lightly! Even so, sounds like you're having a rough run of it, and you're both running yourselves ragged trying to get two separate cons going...oh, man!

You are not failing anyone. Except maybe yourself - listen to your body, take the rest you need. Um. Multivitamins? *ducks and runs before Calli throws something hard and heavy*

Multivitamins *snort* Good thing you're on the other side of the world. Did you know I pretty much failed to take any folic acid with vinnie (and way late, when I did) and got a BRILLIANT score for him not having any neural tube defects... and this baby I completely skipped folic acid and got the same score!!

I am not good with multivitamins or supplements or anything.
:-/

*grin*
Thanks for your link too. I have been looking when I get a second and going "CORR! What??" :-)

I'll run the meeting if you like.

Take the time and rest you need - if i can help in any practical way, I will.

*love*

Cool. I'll start getting an agenda together though. I spose that means I should post something to femmeconne! Ah, later. Tomorrow perhaps.
:-)

:) All good ^_^

*love and more love*

Argh. This is your body saying that you need rest, and recharge, so you can all get through this.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the 'optimal' way of getting through a situation is not necessarily to be doing everything at peak efficiency. I am POSITIVE that you are doing a good job.

I have taken a rest day myself... exhausted from the trip with no time off, plus PMT. Time to recharge batteries.

Hugs

See, I completely agree. But no one tells Vinnie that!
:-)

I spent lots of the third trimester at my folks place, or lying on the floor in the lounge room while Puggle played around me. I'd read to him occasionally, but I'd watch from horizontal and fall asleep between conversations. He was _not_ always obliging! But anything was better than nothing!

LOL
Sounds like a plan but!
:-)
I'm much better now - thanks for you message
*hugs*

Oh you've got to be easier on yourself! And boo hiss to your mum for making you feel bad about needing more time in bed.

:-)
It's cool, she's the sort who acts first and thinks later, and I am sure if she thought about it, she would have been fine. But, you know, she has her own life as well, and sometimes the whole communication thing is not so good with me right now.
:-)

And it's not like I'm doing a *lot* of housework. If I pay attention, it takes maybe 30 - 40 minutes. If not, then... several days... *grin*

*hugs* for you. Hormones suck and make everything more difficult. You know in your heart of hearts that you are an excellent mother, and Vinnie is well looked after. Don't let your mother, hormones or anxiety shake you! I haven't met you in person yet, but already I admire how much you do and what you stand for. Be proud of yourself, because from where I'm sitting you deserve to be! If you need to crawl into bed, do just that - there are worse things you could do.

Oh wow Thanks!
*grin*
Wow

damn, I wish I was there to help, I wouldn't give you dirty looks if you wanted to sleep while V, E and me played wii.

I read this after I read the next post about V's ear, but that is exactly what ellie was doing with hers, she seemed like she really wanted to sleep but just couldn't, and would even nod off, but then seconds later she would be awake again. She was having trouble getting to sleep tonight actually so I think it may be playing up again.

blah. *hugs* I hope you are sleeping instead of reading this.

I got a good rest today, I don't think I slept deeply, cos I woke up and wasn't all muzzy headed, but a decent rest. I should post a photo of my bum! The bruise has started to come up.

Yeah, tonight if it happens we'll baby pandol him straight away and then he can come to bed with us for a bit until it kicks in. Then we put him back to his own room.
:-)

He had the best time tonight with Lauranna and Kain. *grin*

p.s. forgot to say because I didn't think I needed to, but I think you are a totally awesome mother, I'd let you look after E any day. It sounds like V really likes day care and is not suffering at all - the opposite even - it sounds like it is good for both of you. Maybe a second day at day care would give you the rest you need with out having to justify it to anyone.

Yeah, I might ask about that... once I've sorted out the bill! LOL
:-)

Mum's OK, she is just a bit tired and stuff too. And she tends to act first and think second. You know that! *grin*

I'm with Karen, I think it's really mean of your mum to make you feel bad like that. Remember the line... can't do that sorry, busy gestating. Maybe you should remind her how tired pregnancy makes a women. She might be keeping a small child occupied but you're growing a whole new one! I know which one I think is harder!
You are not a bad mother. I aspire to be as competent as you are (I aspire to be as knocked up as you are, but that's a different thing altogether).

She's OK, it was just a quick look, and she was probably tired. I know she had a lot on today, and wasn't planning on spending a good chunk of the day here and ferrying me and vinnie to drs and stuff. :-)

I feel better now, it was great talking to Matt today, did he tell you I thought he sounded like a woman?? LOL. Even if he was spewing chips! :-)

And thanks for the compliments! Vinnie is such a happy, gorgeous child I bask in his existance, and he is so well mannered and sweet that even I have to admit Chesh and I are doing something right LOL

I have just been talking to my mum. She saw the picture of Vincent from his birthday and says he looks a lot like you :-)
She also says that it's a really good thing that he's in day care one day a week.
She sends love and hugs.

I've been thinking he might have had this ear infection for the past three weekish, hence the slight clinginess and the runny nose, which means that I think he will LOVE it if I put him in daycare for the occasional extra day. He gets such a kick out of playing with other kids. I think he must be an extrovert like me!

just *hug* and warm fuzzy thoughts

Thanks babe
:-)

the last three months of pregnancy are hell, and having another kid around makes it worse. One thing that i did that really helped was to have a mattress in the space where the toys are (in the bedroom at that point) and to lie on it to play. Then, when I fell asleep, it didn't matter - whichever child was of the appropriate age would play for a little while, then fuss, but I would have had enough rest to be functional for a while.

and as a possibility (if you have the energy) rather than stress about losing memories of V because your head is all in the wrong space, can you find a different way of keeping the memories? (after all, I have very little memory of any of my kids being that kind of age). I find that taking photos regularly is the best way - I would that i had a photo of every week, because i can dredge up lots of memories with one photo and yet claim to have no memory of the time.

and as for cramp - I took calcium and magnesium tablets through the ends of all of my pregnancies, which seemed to help the cramps. If I didn't, life was awful

Yeah, I have started drinking milk. It's only when I am pregnant I have the urge, but that's what I'm wanting. I also drank milk when I was pregnant with Vinnie, and that got rid of my calf muscle cramps. I must remember to do milk more regularly though, for it to really help me out more.

This lying in the toys thing sounds like a go. I might look around and start planning whether to do it out here or in his room.

I have found the camera, so I might try taking more photos too.
:-)

*hugs*
Glad you got a bit of extra rest. The various ideas about sleeping in toys sounds useful! Plus more daycare sounds like a gift for both you *and* V!

I have tupperware for you
:-)
Sleep and rest seems to improved everything heapses.

The worst thing about the fall is that it sort of reminded me how much of my good cheer is from sheer force of will.

Sorry to hear things have been a bit rough for you lately.

I know for me, if I'm having a blue day, it's usually down to one of two things: (a) I haven't been eating right lately and it's time to top up with a multivitamin, or, (b) I'm probably fighting the infection side of the flu and will start getting the symptoms side shortly.

Pregnancy may be about the equivalent of not eating right, in the sense that your body is probably using a lot of vitamins and minerals in the construction of your new little one. Try a multivitamin next time you're feeling like that and see if it helps (it probably can't hurt, anyhow).

Best of luck.

Do you think you are getting depressed again? Do you need help from a medical professional? If you do I will come back and poke you until you get some :) Turn up and drive you somewhere.

Well, you're welcome to come and poke me any time...*grin* I just had a rather lovely dream with mohindir and john and some female and a big block of ice...

Thanks for thinking of it, but no, this was just a once off thing. I have been chirpy apart from that day/night. Although this morning my muscles are reminding me that THIRD TRIMESTER is going to be .... awkward LOL