callistra | Depression and Stuff

As most of you will know, I lost a baby in June. This is the second miscarriage I have had, and the first since I had Vincent. I knew that if I lost this baby, it would be so much harder, because the first time around, I didn't know what I had lost. And I was right. This time around, things were much, much, much harder.

Looking back, I can see I was depressed. I couldn't function on a day to day basis. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was crying all the time, and the big bad world just wanted to eat me up. I didn't want to leave the house. Seeing friends was hard. And people would say "So how are you? Are you OK?" And I would look them in the eye and say "No. I'm not OK." But this is a hard thing to do to friends, and none of them knew what to say. I know what I will say now, the next time someone tells me that. But I had to learn the hard way.

Words just can not describe what my life was like. I lost almost two whole months of my life. I was flailing wildly, I needed help, and I didn't know how to ask. And the people I hoped would know more than words could say ... just didn't. A friend asked me if I was OK, and I sobbed on him over the phone saying I didn't know whether to ring a help line, get John to come home, who to ask for help... and he just didn't know what to say. He couldn't really help, and I remember he didn't make any suggestions or tell me to do anything. I know what to do the next time someone says these things to me. I couldn't seem to get out of this place I was in. I was walking in a stranger's body, I didn't know her, and couldn't even guess what she might do next. I never wanted to get out of bed. I just wanted ... it all ... to stop.

I remember the moment something in me came alive again. It was late at night, and I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, and I was just so miserable and unhappy and hurting and I thought "It would be easier if..." and the spark that must be me stopped the conscious wording of the emotion I felt.

Honestly?
I can finish that sentence for me right now.

I thought maybe things would be easier for every one around me if I wasn't around here any more.

It was here that I started to heal. It was here that some part of me said "OK. Enough wallowing. Fuck up NOW." It still took forver, and I feel eternally dented. I'll never forget that I had that moment. I look back and wonder, what if any of the people who I had told I was not OK had said "OK, here are some help line details. I want you to ring them and I will ring you in a few days or tomorrow to see how you are." Being me, if someone had told me, and pressed the card into my hand, or emailed a helpline number, I would have spent a lot of time staring at the email, or fondling the card. I expect I would have rung them too, especially if someone had threatened to ring me in a day or two! :-)

We were talking about suicide on one of the feminist lists and I got a bit angry, enough so that people noticed. And thinking back, it was unreasonable anger. And this morning, when a friend posted something maybe he shouldn't have, and I feel OK mentioning because LJ picked it up and it's not exactly private now, I felt initially an anger that any one would dare put their family through this, or threaten to put their family through this. I think that mostly, however, my anger is at myself, for feeling the way I did, and for letting it happen to me, and for not being able to find the words to tell Liluri that I needed her before I arrived to find her with Claudine.

I'm always angriest with myself, and I need to stop this. I always expect Lil to know me better than she does, and it makes me angry at myself for not making it easier for her. I also wonder, even if I did tell Lil just how much I needed her, what could she have done anyway.

Reading a depression checklist today, it says if your depression goes for longer than 2 weeks, you should get help. I went through at least 6 weeks of hell. I woke up after two months, and my little boy had grown up so much in the time I was gone. I hate writing this. I'm crying again. Poor john said he would have gone through ten years of this because he loved me that much. I would never want to ask that of him. I only told him about the depths of this after we got back from melbourne. I was hoping telling Lil would open the gates and let me feel normal again. Thankfully, I had started to really feel like a human being again in the couple of days before Melbourne. Seeing a special person again was just fantastic, and I was trying so hard not to let him know about all the heavy sh*t going on around him. I don't know if I succeeded; but when I am with him I just want to enjoy the moment.

I don't know how this post is going to make any one else feel, but I have to talk about it. I know a lot of people read me, and if nothing else, please know that if you feel depressed for any length of time, get help. And if it is too hard, talk to your friends, and friends, please tell friends to get help! We have professionals who can help, or even people who know when to sound firm, and when to listen, can help get these things over and done with soon. I can't describe what it was like. I have phone lists, and yet I never thought of ringing a single person. I have the internet at my fingertips, and I never considered looking. It took too much mental effort. I just wasn't ready. It was easier to wallow and hurt.

If I lose another baby, I think I will put Vinnie into day care for a few weeks, full time, so I can devote proper energy into healing and sleeping. I also didn't expect the huge cost to my body. I was flat on my back for a week, and Sarah came and looked after me every day that John wasn't here. I was left along for a day, someone who was supposed to come and I needed her didn't come, and I just sat there and sobbed for 45 minutes until my mum came over from work.

And it's only afterwards that every one says "You should have rung someone!" But I didn't have the strength of will to even think of who to ring, let along go and get a phone and actually ring someone. The fear that they might answer! Sarah and I have made a pact to write out a list of emergency phone numbers for each other, so that if this happens again, she can ring people if I'm incapacitated, and vice versa. Either we're terribly slack, or else confident that the universe won't send us something bad, cos we still haven't done them! :-)

So please; every one, if someone says to you "No, I'm not OK," and you're not capable of handling the situation, ask them: "Have you rung a help line? Do you have someone who can help? I can get you the phone numbers you need." And if you can, check up on them. One person did mention an Australian help line, but I didn't know them very well, and it was more of an FYI thing rather than a full frontal person to person communication. And I figured, I had a good reason to be depressed. It will go away. It did, but quite simply, if there was anything I could have done to make it shorter, I should have done it. The follow up call, I think for me, would be necessary. Given me something to focus on. A reason to do anything other than lie in bed and cry some more.

Australian Depression Help
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

Depression Checklist
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=1.3&gclid=CM242-WS34cCFREBGAodYUnxow

Lifeline
13 11 14

Befrienders
http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=Australia

Current Mood: relieved

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Dear Sarah

I've had three pregnancies end too soon. I'll never stop grieving for the babies that were lost, especially the baby I carried to 16 weeks. I don't think of that baby every day now, or even every month, but I still have tears for my lost babies, and there is an empty place in my heart because of them.

I'm crying now, telling you about this.

Please accept my deepest condolences for your's and John's loss.

I'm so sorry, no one ever talks about how often it happens, do they.
Now I'm crying again too!
:-(

I am constantly terrified of carrying to term and losing the baby during the birth or just after. Absolfuckinglutely terrified.

Sometimes, there is just so much sorrow in being a woman.

the most amazing, joyous, life-affirming process in existence is the conception, carrying, birth and raising of a child. And right next to that is the knowledge that the process is fraught with difficulties and the potential for loss. That knowledge is not enough to stop us from going ahead and starting the process again, but each infant we bear is a treasure that could have slipped away from us at any moment.

Yes, but it gets better with time, and with the knowledge of knowing Who You Are and your place and purpose in the universe.

The worst thing when feeling depressed is going through it alone. Too many people think they have to spare others their pain or hide it, and don't reach out for help.

That's the dementors talking. Never listen to them, and never dwell on the past.

Never forget you're not alone, not in your trials, nor your joys, but only in the lies of the dementors.

*big hug*

I love you... and I cannot understand the loss, but I am so deeply sorry for what happened, and moreso, because I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to help. Through your courage in writing this, I now have a place to start if someone around me is depressed and hurting the way you have been.

*hug* You are brave to write what you wrote.

You're very brave to have written all of this.

The worst thing about depression is that when it's serious, one of the symptoms is that you are unable to seek the help you need - you either don't realise or you're just not capable, or both.

I can't imagine going through what you've gone through, but I have had serious depression, which came about when I had to stop work because of my back. It was a few months on and I didn't know whether I was ever going to get better, or even worse, I had ongoing pain, was trying to deal with the round of medical appointments, I couldn't socialise or even drive much, play music, it was affecting my marriage etc etc.

Later on I was angry that my GP didn't say to me "you've had pain now for more than 3 months, it'd be a good idea to see a psychologist who will help you deal with the profound changes that have happened in your life, and by the way depression usually goes hand in hand with chronic pain".

Something that has helped me when I have had a couple of lapses since then, is that my mum rang me every single day. Even if it was just to check in briefly, the regularity and the meaning behind it was a great source of support.

Thanks for the links, I'll save them in case someone I know might need them in the future.

*nods*
Mum would come over as soon as she finished work. I would spend the whole day just waiting for the hours to pass so she could be here. It was something I could anchor onto.

Anchor. That's a great word, and that's really what my mum is in my life.

Like when I had a really really bad flu once, and she came over after work and just sit in the room with me. (my ex wasn't so good at the looking after people stuff). I felt awful when she caught it off me!

And after my back op, for the first few days in hospital she spent all her spare time there, just sitting with me, reading a book or something. I slept most of the time, but I'd open my eyes for a little bit... and she'd be there.

She didn't have that, her mum died when she was about 13 :(

I have started and restarted this comment about four times and I still don't know what to say. And it sure as hell doesn't even begin to touch what I should say - and for that I apologise.

I live with the breath of the Black Dog in my ear every day and sometimes if I am lucky I can forget it's waiting for me.

All I can say is that if you are blessed with the chance to get help, to get rid of the depression, to climb back out of the pit, don't let it go. In the end, everyone will need and hope and love to see you be you again, no matter how much they have to do to see it done.

Remember that we never want to lose you, and we never want you to lose you.

Keep well. Take care of yourself.

Had trouble following the Befrienders link. In Australia, they link to the Samaritans:
Helpline: 08 9381 5555
Youthline: 08 9388 2500
Freecall Countryline: 1800 198 313
TTY: 08 9382 8822 (for the hearing impaired)
Website: www.thesamaritans.org.au
24 Hour phone service.
During the day, they offer face to face support as a drop-in service at 60 Bagot road, Subiaco.

Another option is the Psychiatric Emergency Team/Mental health Emergency Response Line:
1300 555 788

Don't know if this is something you have/would like to explore, but Centrecare runs a program for "Women affected by a difficult or unexpected pregnancy, termination or other pregnancy loss and their partners, friends and families; includes support for postnatal depression."

It's a free service, called the 'footprints' program. Contact is 9325 6644.

Thanks for the info. If I lose another baby or anything, I know the signs now, and will come back to this post!
:-)

I'm glad you wrote that, hard as it was. It was so thoughtful and helpful. I have a friend who miscarried and is now pregnant again. Hopefully she'll be okay but if not, I'm grateful to have this post to help me know what to do. Take care. :)

Thank you so much for sharing all of that, and my condolences to both of you for your loss.

Thanks also for mentioning the elephant (http://syndicated.livejournal.com/battersblog/49895.html) in the corner of the room. I was feeling a bit Emperors New Clothesey about it. But then, I've been doing a pretty poor job of judging peoples tone online this week..

I frequently suffer from not knowing what to say, and this is indeed one of those situations where people just don't know how to show support without making things worse. I've been lucky in that I've never had quite so wrenching an experience, nor quite so bad a depression, but I do know to a small extent the feeling of at the same time needing to reach out to people, but also the urge to crawl under something and hide away. The cry for help is often a silent scream. I was lucky and got some help and knowing that I was depressed at least gave me the hope that I just needed to hang on until the worst of it passed. And hope is a precious thing when you are in the pit.

Thank you for those links. While I hope that I won't need them again, it's good to know that they are there for whoever needs them.

Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

A very dear friend of mine has just recently miscarried a second time. She seems to be coping OK at the moment, but I will be keeping a close eye on her and these links close to hand.

I remember what it was like to have someone else take me in hand and make things happen when I was debilitated with depression. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be there without that support.

Thanks for this, Calli. It's good to know that you're healed enough now to be able to put it into words so succinctly. Sharing experiences like this is so important, because you never know when it will help someone in the future.

You're beautiful and brave.

I'm sorry I wasn't there in the flesh for you. I don't know if I would have done much good :(

Thankyou for writing about depression and how hard it is and how it feels to be in the middle of it. I think it is great that it is said with ideas on where to get help. I didn't know what to do when I was depressed. Nothing I tried seemed to work. And I was _already_ in counselling. Useless counsellor.

It's strange looking back on the times when I was depressed. I can remember how I felt but I can't really _feel_ it. I can't imagine me feeling that bad when I am feeling ok. I can't imagine it will happen again. But it probably will - women who have had depression in the past are good candidates for getting post natal depression. Your post and the responses have given me some avenues for help if it does happen.

Thank you for this. And I hope you never go through anything that bad again.

I'm so sorry. No one ever talks about how many people miscarry, and it's awful.

Hugs.

When I miscarried my baby, the hospital allocated an obviously pregnant nurse to look after me.

Ten minutes with me and they quickly found someone new.

Sometimes the medical profession is so fucking stupid.
:-(

Sometimes the medical profession have nothing to do with nurses allocations on the ward. They usually sort that out amongst themselves.

Snippy or snappy
*grin*

This is true.

Hugs.

It's true, but understandable. I know for myself when I miscarried I did not want to talk about it at the time, it was too raw. And it's not the sort of thing that crops up easily in conversation. The only time it seems somewhat appropriate is when someone else is going through the same thing—and then it feels... not exactly like one-upmanship, but it still doesn't ever feel quite right to talk about _my_ miscarriage when they're going through it at the time...

The hardest part of depression is making that first step out of it. It drives you so far into yourself that you really do lose touch with reality.
You can't call people. I know this, it's a feeling of utter helplessness that is inconsolable when depression takes over.

I really agree with that last paragraph. If you can't help someone who needs it, or feel that you cannot, find someone who can.

I wish I could say something of some use to you. I understand that endless feeling of loss you feel, and I sympathise.

But I find it so strange to think of a state in which depression is the exception and not the rule. The well of my sadness has never run dry; it just doesn't overflow every day anymore. And reaching out for help has only ever made things more painful. That was a lesson learnt early and too well, and it was clearly wrong. But my inner 7 year old doesn't believe it.

I'm glad you are finding your joy again.

I'm sorry for what you went through, I wish I had known. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with people. I think I have skimmed over depression, lucky enough not to have been enveloped and crippled by it's grip.

Please know that you can call me, I'm aware that may sound much easier than it actually is.

Is ok.
:-)

I'm better now.

The hard part for the recipient of a "No. I'm not OK." is that it's hard to know what that means. It could be a response to a transient annoyance of some type, rather than something much deeper and more important. There's a fair chance the former will be assumed, especially from someone like you who usually appears to be bringing lively joy to all around her.

And, yes, miscarriages are awfully common and not much discussed. The reason my mum was as old as she was when she had me was the number of previous unsuccessful attempts.

Depression is indeed a sucky thing, not enough discussed or recognised. You've reminded me to get off my arse and write that post sharing my depression stories - I think the more we share, the more it helps others.

But not now. Have just got off plane. Spleep.