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Yesterday I think I was premenstrual. Enough of that.
Hot damn, fuck fuck fuckety fuck, there's another Wild Women's Weekend coming up and I want to go! And there's a number of reasons why I can't. One: my baby is due. So her mother needs me underfoot to do the manly thing and faint during the birth like my dad did when I was born. Oops, no, he *almost* fainted, but just vomited instead. :-) And the other reason is because I don't have $400 stashed away anywhere handy right now.
I know it would be worth it. It's 2 nights accomodation, all your food, and two days of workshops with Lucy Cavendish again, which would retail at about $150 a day. I know it's worth it. And what sort of price can you put on spiritual growth? But quite simply, it all ties in with stuff Babalon and I have been discussing recently, and one of things that has come to our attention.
Women don't know how to price themselves.
Part of it is because we don't know what we're worth. I run Femmeconne and don't make any sort of money for myself or Babalon, but we've got to get paid somehow and while it's all very nice to enjoy the weekend and have warm glowy feelings, we live in a world were the $$ are important if we intend to get fed. But I don't know how much my effort and time is worth, and I have self doubts about how much people would want to come if I allocated money in the budget for the organizers to get paid. And if I went out on that limb to allocated a payment of any sorts, whether it's $20, $50, or $10 an hour for the number of hours worked, I worry that people would be upset at me for doing so.
Lucy knows her time is worth $150 for a day workshop. It's not hard stuff - the format for the WWW workshops is formats I have seen many times before, but with more time to go through what happens and with Lucy's knowledge and history and whatever behind it. She's come to the realisation that she is worth $150 for a dayworkshop, and she may have done what Sark has done (get professional help there, which sounds fantastic to Bablon and I, but again that needs money which frankly, we do not have. I just spent $3K on the hot water. I do not have any money left.) I'm scared to charge people for my own time, because I worry that other people will not think it's worth it. My rational brain says "You're an idiot. You know you're worth $100 for three days of fun plus overnight accomodation and organization and weeks of planning and stressing and ..." as a side note, you would not believe the number of qualifiers I kept putting in before that $100 there... maybe, perhaps, almost, around, they just kept appearing and I just kept deleting them and now I'm all worried you'll all yell at me for daring to say I deserve $100, which is NOT A LOT OF MONEY.
Babalon mentioned this in reference to Art. There are so many arty and creative people who read my blog and are good friends of mine, and yet I would bet that mythical $100 that they have no idea how to price their own work. They're scared to even put a dollar value on it. I'm always terrified at the Swancon art shows - what if no one bought your art, because it was overpriced? What if someone bought your art because it's underpriced? What part of your heart are you underselling? Overselling? Giving away? The yawning fear of being rejected (not bought) against the screaming fear of being critiqued (it's amateurish but cheap) versus the need to buy more paint to make the next piece? Or even just to eat?
Is this a reflection of how the world devalues that which does not produce? Art produces warm glowy feelings (or harsh uncomfortable ones, depending on your artist) and therefore is either insanely expensive, or else is insanely cheap? Women like to do the community building thing, which is intangible? A bunch of people sitting around feeling good about themselves and working towards a better future for every one is... value-less?
Back on track now... Femmeconne this year is already going to be a little bit more expensive, because we have more planned. Some of the activities we want to do require hire of equipment and qualified instructors, and we have some very exciting things we're considering too which may cost less, but might also involve paying someone for their time.
I feel guilty too in that if *I* want to be paid, why shouldn't every one who helps out *also* get paid? If Babalon and I get paid, what about the volunteers? The ladies who help cook, lead yoga, run their own groups, do their own workshops within the femmeconne frame work... What about them? Not only am I charging them to come along, but then I'm using their work too to make things a more interesting weekend.
But by the same token, it is the people and what they put into Femmeconne that makes it awesome. If we paid every one who came for their time, we'd also have to charge $400 for the weekend, and I'd still only get the $100.
So I feel like I'm utilizing an already underpaid and shy-of-asking-for-payment group in a manner reminiscent of our evil overlords. Am I struggling to not become a sign of the system? How can I do the things I love, and get payment, and could it bypass the $$? Is there a system I can find which would do this?
I have talked to a few people who are also women offering intangible services, and they never know how much to charge. In our heart of hearts we don't think we are worth it. We feel like a sham, a fraud, an imposter, when we say "I do this. I want to get paid." I want to teach women the things I have learnt. I am worth being paid for this. But I still feel the same. What can I say I could teach women? How to be themselves. To stop aiming for perfection and be happy with "it'll do." To use a goddamned timer. To be happy with their size, weight, height, hair colour, and appearance. To spot when people are using cultural and societal lies against them. How to use the cultural and societal lies for their own gain. To be happy in themselves. To add beauty to their lives. To think outside the plate. To think inside the plate. To work magic. To do the impossible. To feel the impossible. To be women. To love women. To accept life and yet still want to make it a better place. To meditate. To accept their bodies, and role of their womb in their every day lives. To feel the workings of their body and be as amazed as I am. To be included despite various difficulties. To know we care. To break down imagined walls.
I need money for more training. There's knowledge out there I think I need which would augment what I already know, and increase the knowledge I can give out to other people. But, as per so many other women, I don't know what I am worth, and I don't know how to price it. But neither does any one else. I've had some crazy wild experiences which cost me $15 for three hours. That's $5 an hour for a spiritual journey of which I am *still* feeling the results of three months later. That's half or even a quarter of the price of a movie which I would probably forget half of on the way home. I told her she undercharged, and again there was that yawning feeling of "I'm not worth it." I could see it when she looked away. She could have doubled the price, and still had every one think she was underpriced. She should have charged four times the price at least. And even if there were ten people, (which there wasn't) $600 is not enough money to cover the time and training and preparation and stress and work that went into the event. The event itself probably took three hours. It took a second person all day to tend various things.
The economies of real life mean that we need to get money somehow. Women don't think what they do is worth being paid for. Sark has overcome this hurdle. Lucy Cavendish has overcome this hurdle. Somehow, Babalon and I need to overcome this hurdle. I will always have special memberships for Femmeconne which will allow financially disadvantaged women to attend, because the aim is to help people more than it is to provide me with an income. Which it doesn't anyway. I'm not going to change the way Femmeconne is budgeted. I still want other people to take over Femmeconne in time. If no one wants to, by the same token, I/we will keep doing it until the work outweighs the pay (emotionally speaking.) I am looking to other ways to generate enough income to keep us doing Femmeconne on a volunteer basis. And soon, I need to find $500 so I can make the next booking. I'm excited already! It's going to be more awesome that last year! *grin*
Um, put it in your calendars, 21st, 22nd, 23rd of September.
:-)
Hot damn, fuck fuck fuckety fuck, there's another Wild Women's Weekend coming up and I want to go! And there's a number of reasons why I can't. One: my baby is due. So her mother needs me underfoot to do the manly thing and faint during the birth like my dad did when I was born. Oops, no, he *almost* fainted, but just vomited instead. :-) And the other reason is because I don't have $400 stashed away anywhere handy right now.
I know it would be worth it. It's 2 nights accomodation, all your food, and two days of workshops with Lucy Cavendish again, which would retail at about $150 a day. I know it's worth it. And what sort of price can you put on spiritual growth? But quite simply, it all ties in with stuff Babalon and I have been discussing recently, and one of things that has come to our attention.
Women don't know how to price themselves.
Part of it is because we don't know what we're worth. I run Femmeconne and don't make any sort of money for myself or Babalon, but we've got to get paid somehow and while it's all very nice to enjoy the weekend and have warm glowy feelings, we live in a world were the $$ are important if we intend to get fed. But I don't know how much my effort and time is worth, and I have self doubts about how much people would want to come if I allocated money in the budget for the organizers to get paid. And if I went out on that limb to allocated a payment of any sorts, whether it's $20, $50, or $10 an hour for the number of hours worked, I worry that people would be upset at me for doing so.
Lucy knows her time is worth $150 for a day workshop. It's not hard stuff - the format for the WWW workshops is formats I have seen many times before, but with more time to go through what happens and with Lucy's knowledge and history and whatever behind it. She's come to the realisation that she is worth $150 for a dayworkshop, and she may have done what Sark has done (get professional help there, which sounds fantastic to Bablon and I, but again that needs money which frankly, we do not have. I just spent $3K on the hot water. I do not have any money left.) I'm scared to charge people for my own time, because I worry that other people will not think it's worth it. My rational brain says "You're an idiot. You know you're worth $100 for three days of fun plus overnight accomodation and organization and weeks of planning and stressing and ..." as a side note, you would not believe the number of qualifiers I kept putting in before that $100 there... maybe, perhaps, almost, around, they just kept appearing and I just kept deleting them and now I'm all worried you'll all yell at me for daring to say I deserve $100, which is NOT A LOT OF MONEY.
Babalon mentioned this in reference to Art. There are so many arty and creative people who read my blog and are good friends of mine, and yet I would bet that mythical $100 that they have no idea how to price their own work. They're scared to even put a dollar value on it. I'm always terrified at the Swancon art shows - what if no one bought your art, because it was overpriced? What if someone bought your art because it's underpriced? What part of your heart are you underselling? Overselling? Giving away? The yawning fear of being rejected (not bought) against the screaming fear of being critiqued (it's amateurish but cheap) versus the need to buy more paint to make the next piece? Or even just to eat?
Is this a reflection of how the world devalues that which does not produce? Art produces warm glowy feelings (or harsh uncomfortable ones, depending on your artist) and therefore is either insanely expensive, or else is insanely cheap? Women like to do the community building thing, which is intangible? A bunch of people sitting around feeling good about themselves and working towards a better future for every one is... value-less?
Back on track now... Femmeconne this year is already going to be a little bit more expensive, because we have more planned. Some of the activities we want to do require hire of equipment and qualified instructors, and we have some very exciting things we're considering too which may cost less, but might also involve paying someone for their time.
I feel guilty too in that if *I* want to be paid, why shouldn't every one who helps out *also* get paid? If Babalon and I get paid, what about the volunteers? The ladies who help cook, lead yoga, run their own groups, do their own workshops within the femmeconne frame work... What about them? Not only am I charging them to come along, but then I'm using their work too to make things a more interesting weekend.
But by the same token, it is the people and what they put into Femmeconne that makes it awesome. If we paid every one who came for their time, we'd also have to charge $400 for the weekend, and I'd still only get the $100.
So I feel like I'm utilizing an already underpaid and shy-of-asking-for-payment group in a manner reminiscent of our evil overlords. Am I struggling to not become a sign of the system? How can I do the things I love, and get payment, and could it bypass the $$? Is there a system I can find which would do this?
I have talked to a few people who are also women offering intangible services, and they never know how much to charge. In our heart of hearts we don't think we are worth it. We feel like a sham, a fraud, an imposter, when we say "I do this. I want to get paid." I want to teach women the things I have learnt. I am worth being paid for this. But I still feel the same. What can I say I could teach women? How to be themselves. To stop aiming for perfection and be happy with "it'll do." To use a goddamned timer. To be happy with their size, weight, height, hair colour, and appearance. To spot when people are using cultural and societal lies against them. How to use the cultural and societal lies for their own gain. To be happy in themselves. To add beauty to their lives. To think outside the plate. To think inside the plate. To work magic. To do the impossible. To feel the impossible. To be women. To love women. To accept life and yet still want to make it a better place. To meditate. To accept their bodies, and role of their womb in their every day lives. To feel the workings of their body and be as amazed as I am. To be included despite various difficulties. To know we care. To break down imagined walls.
I need money for more training. There's knowledge out there I think I need which would augment what I already know, and increase the knowledge I can give out to other people. But, as per so many other women, I don't know what I am worth, and I don't know how to price it. But neither does any one else. I've had some crazy wild experiences which cost me $15 for three hours. That's $5 an hour for a spiritual journey of which I am *still* feeling the results of three months later. That's half or even a quarter of the price of a movie which I would probably forget half of on the way home. I told her she undercharged, and again there was that yawning feeling of "I'm not worth it." I could see it when she looked away. She could have doubled the price, and still had every one think she was underpriced. She should have charged four times the price at least. And even if there were ten people, (which there wasn't) $600 is not enough money to cover the time and training and preparation and stress and work that went into the event. The event itself probably took three hours. It took a second person all day to tend various things.
The economies of real life mean that we need to get money somehow. Women don't think what they do is worth being paid for. Sark has overcome this hurdle. Lucy Cavendish has overcome this hurdle. Somehow, Babalon and I need to overcome this hurdle. I will always have special memberships for Femmeconne which will allow financially disadvantaged women to attend, because the aim is to help people more than it is to provide me with an income. Which it doesn't anyway. I'm not going to change the way Femmeconne is budgeted. I still want other people to take over Femmeconne in time. If no one wants to, by the same token, I/we will keep doing it until the work outweighs the pay (emotionally speaking.) I am looking to other ways to generate enough income to keep us doing Femmeconne on a volunteer basis. And soon, I need to find $500 so I can make the next booking. I'm excited already! It's going to be more awesome that last year! *grin*
Um, put it in your calendars, 21st, 22nd, 23rd of September.
:-)
