Sharing and Caring

[callistra]

I have, as pretty much all of you know, been having problems editing my book. It's not the book, it's the process, and so I've been trying to poke around in the dark and figure out *why* and *where* these issues have come from. I'm still not entirely sure, but I thought I would open myself to you all and show you what I did the other day.

I've always used free association type of writing to dump crap out of my head, and sometimes I like to guide it with start off phrases. I found myself imagining ways of controlling the critting process, and that was at the point where I went "WHOA!" I know I need to improve. If I start to subtly skew what people say to me when critting, then I'm de-valuing the whole process, and I'm imposing my own desires over their honest opinions. If I can't take honest opinions, then I need to stop worrying about it all and do something else for a few years.

So, on the heels of realising just how bad my anxieties were getting, i thought it was time for me to tackle them head on. I'm putting this up, because some times people want to look at ways of handling this sort of brain dump, and also because I think I've become a little afraid of sharing myself online. I want to address both of these.

The following is in two parts, actually, the first one is where I explore all my fears.The second part is where Mynxii suggested I look at what these fears are costing me, and explore what I am losing by being afraid.

Ok, so I'm scared. What am i scared about? I don't know, but my urge to start controlling things is getting a bit full on, so I'm sitting down, and sitting quietly, and trying to think it through backwards. This is just free association rambling. I don't believe this stuff, this is just what's coming out as I let it come out. I need to get this crap out so I can work through it.

I am scared of....
showing my work to people because they might hate it.
I am scared of showing my work to someone in the industry because they might hate it
I am scared of showing my work to any one because it is deeply flawed.
I am scared of showing my work to any one because they might be rude to me about it
I am scared of showing my work to people with the intent of making it better
I am scared that I will try to make it better and make it worse
I am worried it will never ever be *better*
I am worried I will be scared every time I have to go through this process.
I am scared that I will control people subtly in the ways and time they give me feedback on my novels. Or not so subtly, thereby influencing their comments and thoughts.
I am scared I will never be able to let go of the novels enough to publish them or get them done.

I imagine myself at camp, and we're all sitting at some wonky old table with a pile of papers on the desk, pens every where and enough cabling to tie ourselves to our laptops, also sitting on the wonky table. There's barely room for our coffees and teas. It's my turn.

And someone says "this is completely unpublishable."
and someone else says "I hated all your characters."
and someone else says "me too, oh, and I hated the way you used 'and' or 'the' all the time."

I am scared someone will say "You're not ready. Go and write a few more novels."
I am scared the bar is too high.
I am scared I'm not as brilliant or as interesting as I hope to be, and it shows in my writing.
I am scared that I can't make my writing more interesting or better.
I am scared I should just give up and stay at home
I am scared that some part of me thinks this is my only chance. (It's not. I know that.)

I am scared that every one will find out I am the worst writer there and the least intelligent person and I will lose friends
I am scared that i will be confronted in some way I can't handle.
I am scared that if I make the book better I will lose an intrinsic part of the characters.

I am scared I am already a failure and just don't know when to quit.
I'm scared I don't have enough time
I am scared I am sacrificing parts of my kid's lives

I don't know where all these fears have come from. The novels I wrote when i was in highschool were praised and liked. I did good in english in highschool. I don't remember a lot about uni creative writing that I liked. We used to have to sit in a group and there were so many of us! Like 20 or so, and we're supposed to write something during the week and then crit each other's work... but there were so many! And I don't think my tutor liked my work. I stopped writing during uni. I don't remember writing anything creatively by the time I was in the workforce. I wrote documentation, and I'm good at it too. But that's easy; you take a bunch of screen grabs and add text, and then try to imagine how the user is going to fuck it up.

During creative writing at uni I met Jacinda, which was lovely. I'm still friends with her now. I feel directionless, I guess. I think one of my hesitations about going to uni is that i don't really feel like I learned anything that useful in the creative writing courses I did, and now there's entire degrees in creative writing. I'm worried that if I went back to learn, I would be fucked over again. I'm worried if I went back that I'd be wasting time and money on a hobby, not a career. I'm worried that uni doesn't provide enough for a writing career. I'm certain I can learn better and faster and more directed at home, or with a mentor.

Rereading the first lists, I still get teary over the bits about being unpublishable and characters and hating things. Are these my own thoughts reflecting back at me? Do I think it's unpublishable and I hate the use of the word 'and' or the? I like my characters. All of them. But the brushstrokes on the page may not be the same as what i intend.

I've had positive critting experiences with every one I have given my stuff to crit in the last few years. So this has got to be from before that, and I'm tired of it. I think I need to think of the positive critting experiences I have had. I wish I could do this with someone though. Just saying "what do you think of this line" like I have with you three doing the selkie porn really was positive.

Everythign I have got back from Elaine was positive - and less nitpickerty than it should have been/could have been.

Ok, I am running out of words now.
*rolls eyes*
:-)


*****End of Part One *********


If I let go of my fears...

I will relearn the joy of editing and making my work better
I will relearn the joy of working with people I like and respect
I will relearn the joy of producing something I am proud of
I will relearn my enthusiasm for all parts of writing
I will relearn my enthusiasm for learning, in an industry where there is always more to learn
I will relearn my self, and explore new parts of myself as I continue
I will learn to let my characters go free

I will hopefully change the world in some tiny, insignificant ways that will mean more over a thousand years.
I will be opening myself to love and trust more than I ever have before
I will let go of my fears and re-learn the process of creation
I will let go of my fears and show my children

I give myself permission to fail.
I give myself permission to be hurt, and to allow my friends to help me recover from it
I give myself permission to be weak
I give myself permission to be strong
I give myself permission to be brilliant and shiny and awesome
i give myself permission to chat about crap with my friends
I give myself permission to talk deep things with my friends
I give  myself permission to love strangers and love friends and love cats
I give myself permission to go and hang out with other authors
I give myself permission to listen
I give myself permission to get it all wrong
I give myself permission to try
I give myself permission to fuck it up majorly
I give myself permission to put my thoughts out there
and I give myself permission to try and make them coherent
I give myself permission to be shiny, accessible, loving, thoughtful, weird, silly, stupid, intelligent, amused, amusing, slow, fast, fat, skinny, anything I want to be

I give myself permission to engage myself in novel length discussions.
I give myself permission to get race, gender, sexuality, and everything else wrong, as long as I try to do better in future.
I give myself permission to retreat from internet furores over my books
I give myself permission to be loved
I give myself permission to be forgiven
I forgive authors for making mistakes
I forgive authors for getting it wrong
I forgive me for being young and naive

I love and I am loved. This is enough.

Also, I give myself permission to write het or slash or whatever silliness I feel like at the time.


So now I feel more positive about doing it, and I can't wait to start... except since that day my life conspires against me! GAH! :-) I have set a goal to edit/read over 200 pages before going to Busselton, which I expect to fail... but I will get damned close! I will have to make up the difference at Busselton. Since I'd rather be socialising and having fun with my friends over editing in the golden south west, I'm going to need to get a wriggle on! Once we've finished Children of Earth, then I'm going to be spending a lot of nights working.

Comments

[jasonfischer.livejournal.com]

This is a beautiful post :-) I hope you can rise above your personal demons and fears, and make all your dreams come true. You can do all of these things, for you are Awesome.

[callistra.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I choose to be Awesome. I really do think we make conscious decisions to be awesome or not all the time.
:-)

[deborahb.livejournal.com]

Permission to fail is soooo important! And so are all those other things you're giving yourself permission for, btw.

As if life doesn't make it hard enough, we pile all these fears on ourselves to make it harder.

What is WRONG with us?! ;p

(You go, grrrl!)

[callistra.livejournal.com]

What is WRONG with us?! ;p

LOL
I think it's because we think too much.
*nods*
Yup, thinking too much causes angst.
*giggles*

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

*LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE*

[mireille21.livejournal.com]

Wow, my creative writing pretty much dried up around uni time too, and I did a subject that included a creative writing portfolio. I wonder if I could even find it now. I've been giving myself excuses for years, mostly revolving around having enough 'time'. I suspect many of your fears are universal, which I say to give you courage that 'you are not alone.'.

completely off topc, what is Busselton?

[callistra.livejournal.com]

It's a small town about 300 (or so) kilometres south of Perth. We're going away for a long weekend down there. It's right next door to a winery area.
:-)

[mireille21.livejournal.com]

Ooh, have fun! From context I thought it might be some local version of Clarion or something.

[callistra.livejournal.com]

I would be freaking out a lot more if that was the case!
LOL

[azhure.livejournal.com]

This is a great post, and one that I think that pretty much every writer can relate to. But you are truly awesome, and don't forget that :)

[callistra.livejournal.com]

I'm not the only one hun
:-)
You're far more awesome in the writing arena than I!
:D