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This month has been a lot of hard work for me, and the key words for this month seems to be "relationships."
I find myself examining aspects of love, wondering what is it, where does it go, what does it do, when does it stop, when does it start. Does it ever really end, or does it ever really start? The most fulfilling and loving relationships begin with the self; I can see every other loving relationship to spring from that ground, and so every loving relationship is already in place before it begins?
So when we spring from a place of love, what happens afterwards?
I never thought I'd have friends I've known for decades. I don't know why. Maybe because in highschool I usually had new friends every year or two, a constant change with just a few core people. Uni was a big crowd of people, across all disciplines. I knew few people in my own discipline! Watching Mynxii go at uni is fascinating - she's actually there to learn something (LOL) but she's also putting in the groundwork and developing excellent relationships in ways I'd never even imagined when I was at uni.
Do you ever unlove someone? Can you ever not have that seed? Is it possible to rip it out?
I believe love comes in two parts. There's the chemical part - that 'in love' thing. When the first kiss gets you addicted, and you think about them all day every day until you see them again, and then you think about them again all day every day... and the other part is the loving friendship that cherishes someone completely and values the other person and just delights in being in their presence.
I think we human over think things, placing rules and regulations on what people can can't shouldn't wouldn't couldn't do. When we're loving to ourselves, loving to others come naturally. I was in a bit of a place last week, and as I poured my heart out to a friend, I told her that I was doing self destructive things, and I didn't know how to stop.
And she said to me: this is Sarah, this is the woman you married, what would you tell her if you stepped outside of yourself?
It really made me pause. Was I treating myself with the kindness and gentleness I promised? That I use with others? And quite simply the answer was No. I'm still wearing my wedding ring, and yet I was still forgetting the promises I had made to myself.
Every few years I have a re-awakening, where I learn new things, and sometimes re-learn old things. This is probably the longest re-settling I've had, it just seems to be constant settling of thoughts and awarenesses and attitudes and surprises.
I think last year on the WASFF board cost me more than I thought. I think I've added about three feet of protective layering and closed down parts of my self which are only just starting to tentatively open again. Last year with the operation and not going to see Babalon_93 for the birth of her baby cost me deeply, and there's always going to be a part of me that mourns not being there for her, even though I am 100% certain I wasn't supposed to be the one who was there. I think the Egoboo writing group has been a tremendous learning curve and full of amazing inspiration... but every learning curve has a price. Relationships that had a massive toll ended... and yet didn't.
Where does loving stop? Was there a point where I consciously chose to love friends over liking them? I like a lot of people, but my close friends I love. I have a family of almost twenty people now, and it's always growing. I have such security and safety and love like I've never known before in my life. I have friends who know me better than I know myself, a husband who bends over backwards to look after me, awesome children, awe inspiring people surround me every day. I can reach for the stars because I am always bolstered by the love and enthusiasm of the people around me, and my own love and passion for living life to the full.
It is a sin, in my eyes, to not use the talents I was born with. My talents are connecting with people and loving them. Being hurt is a part of that process, and being loved is another part. When I give unconditionally, I receive unconditionally. This is the lesson I have had to relearn every few years, I think. To remind me that openness is amazing, a drug I always want to take. And also, that sometimes I need to close down, and that's OK too.
To mine own self, I will be true.
*loves*
I find myself examining aspects of love, wondering what is it, where does it go, what does it do, when does it stop, when does it start. Does it ever really end, or does it ever really start? The most fulfilling and loving relationships begin with the self; I can see every other loving relationship to spring from that ground, and so every loving relationship is already in place before it begins?
So when we spring from a place of love, what happens afterwards?
I never thought I'd have friends I've known for decades. I don't know why. Maybe because in highschool I usually had new friends every year or two, a constant change with just a few core people. Uni was a big crowd of people, across all disciplines. I knew few people in my own discipline! Watching Mynxii go at uni is fascinating - she's actually there to learn something (LOL) but she's also putting in the groundwork and developing excellent relationships in ways I'd never even imagined when I was at uni.
Do you ever unlove someone? Can you ever not have that seed? Is it possible to rip it out?
I believe love comes in two parts. There's the chemical part - that 'in love' thing. When the first kiss gets you addicted, and you think about them all day every day until you see them again, and then you think about them again all day every day... and the other part is the loving friendship that cherishes someone completely and values the other person and just delights in being in their presence.
I think we human over think things, placing rules and regulations on what people can can't shouldn't wouldn't couldn't do. When we're loving to ourselves, loving to others come naturally. I was in a bit of a place last week, and as I poured my heart out to a friend, I told her that I was doing self destructive things, and I didn't know how to stop.
And she said to me: this is Sarah, this is the woman you married, what would you tell her if you stepped outside of yourself?
It really made me pause. Was I treating myself with the kindness and gentleness I promised? That I use with others? And quite simply the answer was No. I'm still wearing my wedding ring, and yet I was still forgetting the promises I had made to myself.
Every few years I have a re-awakening, where I learn new things, and sometimes re-learn old things. This is probably the longest re-settling I've had, it just seems to be constant settling of thoughts and awarenesses and attitudes and surprises.
I think last year on the WASFF board cost me more than I thought. I think I've added about three feet of protective layering and closed down parts of my self which are only just starting to tentatively open again. Last year with the operation and not going to see Babalon_93 for the birth of her baby cost me deeply, and there's always going to be a part of me that mourns not being there for her, even though I am 100% certain I wasn't supposed to be the one who was there. I think the Egoboo writing group has been a tremendous learning curve and full of amazing inspiration... but every learning curve has a price. Relationships that had a massive toll ended... and yet didn't.
Where does loving stop? Was there a point where I consciously chose to love friends over liking them? I like a lot of people, but my close friends I love. I have a family of almost twenty people now, and it's always growing. I have such security and safety and love like I've never known before in my life. I have friends who know me better than I know myself, a husband who bends over backwards to look after me, awesome children, awe inspiring people surround me every day. I can reach for the stars because I am always bolstered by the love and enthusiasm of the people around me, and my own love and passion for living life to the full.
It is a sin, in my eyes, to not use the talents I was born with. My talents are connecting with people and loving them. Being hurt is a part of that process, and being loved is another part. When I give unconditionally, I receive unconditionally. This is the lesson I have had to relearn every few years, I think. To remind me that openness is amazing, a drug I always want to take. And also, that sometimes I need to close down, and that's OK too.
To mine own self, I will be true.
*loves*
