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When I go to bed, I think of things I would like to say here. And then I pass out. And I forget it all. So here I am, staring at the blank screen, having forgotten most things I wanted to say. Again. Perhaps if I ramble for a while, bits of it might come back to me.
I have written my birth story. If you're interested in reading it, email me. callisto at g mail dot com. :-)
Does any one have any questions they would like me to answer? Perhaps that will help to jog my memory. :-)
Breastfeeding. I'm using this nipple sheild thing for a bit, mostly cos Vincent has a small mouth and I have big nipples, which should even out somewhat in a few weeks, so I thought I'd get some more because only having one is a bit of a pain when you need to feed between 6 - 10 times a day. But I bought the wrong size. For some god-forsaken reason, I got "small" instead of "large." (Queue "duh" noises.) I have an excuse. It took me ten minutes to remember what I was looking for in the chemist as it was. Major vague outs all around here! I'm surprised they don't have chemist staff hiding in the baby section, to head off any confused looking mothers and make them buy the entire shop before they wake up and remember they were looking for paracetamol. And to get them out before the confusion of choices brings them to tears. So, anyway. The first attempt didn't go so well. It kind of hurt. Not good. But I figured I'd give it another go, and see how it went. The second time was fine, but my nipple still hurt from the first time. And still hurts now. I have a cracked nipple. I think it was attached slightly wrong, just enough for me to hurt myself. I used the new ones for a day or so, and had varying degrees of success, but I'd rather err on the size of mess (ie, breast milk going everywhere) rather than on the side of pain. And while I've been cautious about that breast, one area started to feel a bit tender. So, in case it was a blockage or early mastitis or whatever, I tried feeding Vincent at an angle to try and drain that area more thoroughly, and that seems to have made it happier. Now I just have to fix this bloody crack. It doesn't hurt much during feeding unless Vincent chews, which isn't that often.
Community Nurse Visit
So, Sproglet has put on about 400 grams when the community nurse came around and weighed him and basically told me that weighing him was a pointless exercise while she did it. She talked a lot. I got to say the occasional thing like "Yes." "No." and "John Parker." I did try and chat back. But, you know, deluge of words and etc. So, she filled out a lot of paper work, talking the entire time, and I managed to sneak enough words into the conversation that she took home about 6 books. Yay! So, next Wednesday I need to go and visit the nurses and she will weigh him again. I have just realised that we're hoping to get to the accountant on Wednesday too. Goodness. It will work out I am sure. :-)
John went back to work on Tuesday. This sucked(tm). But I held together well enough on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Mum was on holidays all week to help out, so I took advantage of this, which made her happy cos she got quality time on Thursday when she had him for about three hours so I could have a nap, and she got to see him every day too. Tuesday was good. I have made a little list of duties for the morning. Well, the day, really. They are:
1) Change and feed Vincent
2) Make Bed
3) Clean Bedroom
4) Hang 5 garments
5) Get ready for shower and lay out clothes
6) Shower and dress
7) Load of washing. (Baby washing.)
8) Empty bin in baby's room.
I have now added "get ready for dinner" to the list too. :-)
Tuesday was good. I did it all in the morning. Felt chirpy. Can't remember anything else. I know I got it all done, there are ticks against everything. Mum came over at some point. Wednesday was similar - some of the things got done, but not all of them. I think I got three loads of washing done. That might have been Tuesday though. I think I cried on John at lunch time, but I'm not sure. I've got a little lunch time routine going - sandwiches, two pieces of chocolate and a cup of tea. When things go well, it's all ready for when John gets home. If things don't go well, he finishes off whatever bits needed doing.
Thursday we got to Carmels' place at 11, which is when we were supposed to be there, which amazed Mum and me. He slept the entire time there. Then we came home, I fed him, and Mum took him home so I could get some sleep. I had a cheese and salami sandwich. I remember this. And then I slept. Ju came over that night. Yesterday, John came home for lunch. I cried at him again. He eventually had to go back to work, and at about 2:30ish I went to lie down and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted someone to hug me and hold me and stroke my hair and tell me everything would be OK, and that everything would be fine. Everything IS ok, and everything IS fine, Sproglet is feeding, growing, clean, and usually happy, but his cycle has changed and we're now at three hour cycles. Which means for several nights, we wake up every 3 hours, and I remain awake for up to one of those hours, and then get two hours of "not awake." (Not necessarily sleep.) And Splanky came over that night too. My attempts to make dinner had not worked out. Mum and I got all emotional and had a quick fight in front of her, which mostly consisted of me crying and using emotional blackmail at Mum. It was over reasonably quickly, but I can think of better ways to communicate. Later on, I rang Mum, and it turns out that the incident was really sparked off by something else. When Vincent was born, Mum got photos of Dad and Vincent, Ray and Vincent, John and Vincent, and me and Vincent, while he was minutes old. Are we seeing something missing yet? No one thought to get a photo of Mum and Vincent, and when she realised, she was quite upset about it. (I would be too. Even now, I hurt for her about this.) And apparently I made a comment that "we had some photos of her and Vincent for her" from John's parent's, and she thought we meant printed out photos, but I meant on CD and she got all upset because she was expecting the printouts. We didn't have the CD either, but that wasn't an issue in all this. So we cried and bonded over the phone and sorted it all out after Splanky had gone. I am glad I spoke to her, I wouldn't want her to hide this from me. It's one of those things that happen, and we can't go back to fix it, and we can't do anything else to fix it, so it's just going to have to hurt until she doesn't think about it any more. But at least I understand. I'd be hurt too. So, yesterday was a weepy sad day. I needed physical contact, a hug, but didn't actually ring any one. I wouldn't ask John to come home for such a reason, and it was too much effort to go and find a phone and a phone number. I think I might have to memorize a few phone numbers.
John and I talked about this, because he is worried about PND. I thought about it while I had my night shower, and I don't think that it's an issue. I think yesterday was just adjustment time, and tiredness. I am waking up with headaches a lot of the time because of the constant broken sleep, and I'm just tired. There's no actual unhappiness as such - I just get all weepy and tears run down my face on some days, and yesterday I just needed comfort. I wanted to feel the way I make Vincent feel - warm and loved and special. And I just felt like it had been a while since I did. That's not true, but ... well, hormones. Between hormones and sleep, we're getting there. I know we are doing a great job, he is gaining weight and happy. If I only managed to get half of each of my items for the day done, that's OK. I like PJs. They keep me warm if I don't manage to get part 6 complete. :-)
Today, we're going to give Vincent to Mum and go to Bunnings. Sometimes, I think of the things I manage to accomplish in my days, and I cry. I managed to read a pamphlet the other day. John comes home at lunch times and tells me about the things he does at work, and it makes me cry because my highlight was reading a pamphlet. I was hoping to take Vincent with us, but I think we might save the big outing for a few more days. I am learning about new things every day, which is also kind of tiring. Wednesday I think it was, I checked out the expression pump, sterilising techniques, and then actually sterilized some stuff in the microwave. They've been on my to-do list since we got home. Thursday we learnt how to use the baby seat in the car. Tomorrow I might learn how to use the pram. But we might go and have a picnic tomorrow instead if it's as nice a day as today is. Then I can use the pram, and we can have sandwiches and there will be sunlight.
:-)
More on Breast feeding...
I have been thinking about this a lot. Usually, when I breastfeed, I can tell how tired I am because I often vague out and find myself staring out the window, at the video clock, the curtain, the floor, ... or Vincent. It's nicest staring at Vincent. I can't remember what i was going to say. They were deep thoughts I am sure. :-) It's nice to breastfeed, and I still get a hormonal thing out of it I think, but sometimes it's a bit boring if I am tired, and it's a lot less physically intense than I thought it would be. Emotionally, it can be intense. It can be REALLY intense if he doesn't want to attach and wants to cry for 20 minutes instead of eating. Things I have learnt: if he needs changing, do it before feeding. He will grizzle during the feed, and if I'm hoping for him to go to sleep by the end of it, he needs to be comfy first. He used to poo during every feed, which is why we sometimes would wait. Thats eems to happen a bit less these days. We are getting even better at it - now, usually the only reason the pillow is wet is because he has peed everywhere again. :-) Soon, i will try him on just my nipple without the nipple sheild and see how that goes. Because of the tenderness in my breast I had to try him on a different position too, which he seems OK with. Not brilliant, but OK. Usually, we do the "football" position, which means his body is tucked under the same arm as the breast he is attached to. So, I tried what most people would call the normal position, which is across my chest. I'm looking forward to the day when I can feed him without needing two pillows, a nipple shield and a nappy for spills. :-) Then, I will truly be able to leave the house without trying to time it into a three hour window. :-)
In Summary...
Sproglet is well and growing at a ferocious rate.
We have had visits from John's parents already.
Thanks every one for the fantastic presents we have recieved!
Things are going pretty much as expected, really. I expected to have up and down days, as we get used to our new life. I expected to be slave to the hormones. I expected to feel a bit alone. Doesn't make any of it easier. :-) In a lot of ways, things are easier than I expected. (Like the physical side - doing all the things you need to do. It's the mental stuff that's the harder part.)
John has been an absolute rock. He is wonderful. You all need one of these. You can't have mine though. :-) Having him come home and look after us both is wonderful. And he is always upbeat and chirpy and says the right things, and unstinting in his affection. I love both of my boys to bits.
:-)
I have written my birth story. If you're interested in reading it, email me. callisto at g mail dot com. :-)
Does any one have any questions they would like me to answer? Perhaps that will help to jog my memory. :-)
Breastfeeding. I'm using this nipple sheild thing for a bit, mostly cos Vincent has a small mouth and I have big nipples, which should even out somewhat in a few weeks, so I thought I'd get some more because only having one is a bit of a pain when you need to feed between 6 - 10 times a day. But I bought the wrong size. For some god-forsaken reason, I got "small" instead of "large." (Queue "duh" noises.) I have an excuse. It took me ten minutes to remember what I was looking for in the chemist as it was. Major vague outs all around here! I'm surprised they don't have chemist staff hiding in the baby section, to head off any confused looking mothers and make them buy the entire shop before they wake up and remember they were looking for paracetamol. And to get them out before the confusion of choices brings them to tears. So, anyway. The first attempt didn't go so well. It kind of hurt. Not good. But I figured I'd give it another go, and see how it went. The second time was fine, but my nipple still hurt from the first time. And still hurts now. I have a cracked nipple. I think it was attached slightly wrong, just enough for me to hurt myself. I used the new ones for a day or so, and had varying degrees of success, but I'd rather err on the size of mess (ie, breast milk going everywhere) rather than on the side of pain. And while I've been cautious about that breast, one area started to feel a bit tender. So, in case it was a blockage or early mastitis or whatever, I tried feeding Vincent at an angle to try and drain that area more thoroughly, and that seems to have made it happier. Now I just have to fix this bloody crack. It doesn't hurt much during feeding unless Vincent chews, which isn't that often.
Community Nurse Visit
So, Sproglet has put on about 400 grams when the community nurse came around and weighed him and basically told me that weighing him was a pointless exercise while she did it. She talked a lot. I got to say the occasional thing like "Yes." "No." and "John Parker." I did try and chat back. But, you know, deluge of words and etc. So, she filled out a lot of paper work, talking the entire time, and I managed to sneak enough words into the conversation that she took home about 6 books. Yay! So, next Wednesday I need to go and visit the nurses and she will weigh him again. I have just realised that we're hoping to get to the accountant on Wednesday too. Goodness. It will work out I am sure. :-)
John went back to work on Tuesday. This sucked(tm). But I held together well enough on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Mum was on holidays all week to help out, so I took advantage of this, which made her happy cos she got quality time on Thursday when she had him for about three hours so I could have a nap, and she got to see him every day too. Tuesday was good. I have made a little list of duties for the morning. Well, the day, really. They are:
1) Change and feed Vincent
2) Make Bed
3) Clean Bedroom
4) Hang 5 garments
5) Get ready for shower and lay out clothes
6) Shower and dress
7) Load of washing. (Baby washing.)
8) Empty bin in baby's room.
I have now added "get ready for dinner" to the list too. :-)
Tuesday was good. I did it all in the morning. Felt chirpy. Can't remember anything else. I know I got it all done, there are ticks against everything. Mum came over at some point. Wednesday was similar - some of the things got done, but not all of them. I think I got three loads of washing done. That might have been Tuesday though. I think I cried on John at lunch time, but I'm not sure. I've got a little lunch time routine going - sandwiches, two pieces of chocolate and a cup of tea. When things go well, it's all ready for when John gets home. If things don't go well, he finishes off whatever bits needed doing.
Thursday we got to Carmels' place at 11, which is when we were supposed to be there, which amazed Mum and me. He slept the entire time there. Then we came home, I fed him, and Mum took him home so I could get some sleep. I had a cheese and salami sandwich. I remember this. And then I slept. Ju came over that night. Yesterday, John came home for lunch. I cried at him again. He eventually had to go back to work, and at about 2:30ish I went to lie down and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted someone to hug me and hold me and stroke my hair and tell me everything would be OK, and that everything would be fine. Everything IS ok, and everything IS fine, Sproglet is feeding, growing, clean, and usually happy, but his cycle has changed and we're now at three hour cycles. Which means for several nights, we wake up every 3 hours, and I remain awake for up to one of those hours, and then get two hours of "not awake." (Not necessarily sleep.) And Splanky came over that night too. My attempts to make dinner had not worked out. Mum and I got all emotional and had a quick fight in front of her, which mostly consisted of me crying and using emotional blackmail at Mum. It was over reasonably quickly, but I can think of better ways to communicate. Later on, I rang Mum, and it turns out that the incident was really sparked off by something else. When Vincent was born, Mum got photos of Dad and Vincent, Ray and Vincent, John and Vincent, and me and Vincent, while he was minutes old. Are we seeing something missing yet? No one thought to get a photo of Mum and Vincent, and when she realised, she was quite upset about it. (I would be too. Even now, I hurt for her about this.) And apparently I made a comment that "we had some photos of her and Vincent for her" from John's parent's, and she thought we meant printed out photos, but I meant on CD and she got all upset because she was expecting the printouts. We didn't have the CD either, but that wasn't an issue in all this. So we cried and bonded over the phone and sorted it all out after Splanky had gone. I am glad I spoke to her, I wouldn't want her to hide this from me. It's one of those things that happen, and we can't go back to fix it, and we can't do anything else to fix it, so it's just going to have to hurt until she doesn't think about it any more. But at least I understand. I'd be hurt too. So, yesterday was a weepy sad day. I needed physical contact, a hug, but didn't actually ring any one. I wouldn't ask John to come home for such a reason, and it was too much effort to go and find a phone and a phone number. I think I might have to memorize a few phone numbers.
John and I talked about this, because he is worried about PND. I thought about it while I had my night shower, and I don't think that it's an issue. I think yesterday was just adjustment time, and tiredness. I am waking up with headaches a lot of the time because of the constant broken sleep, and I'm just tired. There's no actual unhappiness as such - I just get all weepy and tears run down my face on some days, and yesterday I just needed comfort. I wanted to feel the way I make Vincent feel - warm and loved and special. And I just felt like it had been a while since I did. That's not true, but ... well, hormones. Between hormones and sleep, we're getting there. I know we are doing a great job, he is gaining weight and happy. If I only managed to get half of each of my items for the day done, that's OK. I like PJs. They keep me warm if I don't manage to get part 6 complete. :-)
Today, we're going to give Vincent to Mum and go to Bunnings. Sometimes, I think of the things I manage to accomplish in my days, and I cry. I managed to read a pamphlet the other day. John comes home at lunch times and tells me about the things he does at work, and it makes me cry because my highlight was reading a pamphlet. I was hoping to take Vincent with us, but I think we might save the big outing for a few more days. I am learning about new things every day, which is also kind of tiring. Wednesday I think it was, I checked out the expression pump, sterilising techniques, and then actually sterilized some stuff in the microwave. They've been on my to-do list since we got home. Thursday we learnt how to use the baby seat in the car. Tomorrow I might learn how to use the pram. But we might go and have a picnic tomorrow instead if it's as nice a day as today is. Then I can use the pram, and we can have sandwiches and there will be sunlight.
:-)
More on Breast feeding...
I have been thinking about this a lot. Usually, when I breastfeed, I can tell how tired I am because I often vague out and find myself staring out the window, at the video clock, the curtain, the floor, ... or Vincent. It's nicest staring at Vincent. I can't remember what i was going to say. They were deep thoughts I am sure. :-) It's nice to breastfeed, and I still get a hormonal thing out of it I think, but sometimes it's a bit boring if I am tired, and it's a lot less physically intense than I thought it would be. Emotionally, it can be intense. It can be REALLY intense if he doesn't want to attach and wants to cry for 20 minutes instead of eating. Things I have learnt: if he needs changing, do it before feeding. He will grizzle during the feed, and if I'm hoping for him to go to sleep by the end of it, he needs to be comfy first. He used to poo during every feed, which is why we sometimes would wait. Thats eems to happen a bit less these days. We are getting even better at it - now, usually the only reason the pillow is wet is because he has peed everywhere again. :-) Soon, i will try him on just my nipple without the nipple sheild and see how that goes. Because of the tenderness in my breast I had to try him on a different position too, which he seems OK with. Not brilliant, but OK. Usually, we do the "football" position, which means his body is tucked under the same arm as the breast he is attached to. So, I tried what most people would call the normal position, which is across my chest. I'm looking forward to the day when I can feed him without needing two pillows, a nipple shield and a nappy for spills. :-) Then, I will truly be able to leave the house without trying to time it into a three hour window. :-)
In Summary...
Sproglet is well and growing at a ferocious rate.
We have had visits from John's parents already.
Thanks every one for the fantastic presents we have recieved!
Things are going pretty much as expected, really. I expected to have up and down days, as we get used to our new life. I expected to be slave to the hormones. I expected to feel a bit alone. Doesn't make any of it easier. :-) In a lot of ways, things are easier than I expected. (Like the physical side - doing all the things you need to do. It's the mental stuff that's the harder part.)
John has been an absolute rock. He is wonderful. You all need one of these. You can't have mine though. :-) Having him come home and look after us both is wonderful. And he is always upbeat and chirpy and says the right things, and unstinting in his affection. I love both of my boys to bits.
:-)
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fixing cracks
Date: 2005-08-27 06:12 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)It is worth perservering!
Fe
Re: fixing cracks
Date: 2005-08-27 06:43 am (UTC)From:;-)
I'm really enjoying it.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-27 06:21 am (UTC)From:I'm very interested in the breast feeding thing, and glad to hear you say that it is not as physically intense as you thought it would be (my boobs are uber sensitive already). I'm really impressed at the idea of a food source that is already prepared, always sterile and at the right temperature :) But what is a nipple shield? It sounds useful but when I hear the words I can only think of Janet Jackson...
no subject
Date: 2005-08-27 06:48 am (UTC)From:I love the idea of breastfeeding for the same reasons,a nd the idea of sterilising everything sounds like too much hard work all the time! I'm such a slacker! Plus it's what my body is designed to do, so I really wanted to work with it.
Also, in the first week, it is quite intense - engorgement is a bit of a pain, and it takes a couple of days for your nipples to settle down, but afterwards, I find very little sensation when everything is going well. I found the electric expressing machine to be the most intense. :-) Expressing with the hand thingy was almost the same as with baby. The initial sucks to get the milk flowing from Vincent is the strongest, and then it settles.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-27 07:01 am (UTC)From:http://www.ciao.co.uk/Avent_Nipple_Shields__54851
no subject
Date: 2005-08-27 01:00 pm (UTC)From:there is time, and i have some and what i have is yours if you need some extra company...
you and John are doing so well... i'm deeply impressed by how... if not smoothly things are going, how you are able to /think/ about them and process them more than anything...
everything is fine, and the odds and ends will all sort themselves...
your acomplishments for the day...
Date: 2005-08-31 12:32 pm (UTC)From:That sounds like a pretty bloody huge WOW acomplishment if you ask me.
Compared to that going to work and doing the things we do at work every day pales into insignificance.